My theory is that they are living in a world of hierarchies and apologizing is admitting a mistake, which takes them down a few levels on the hierarchy of power/popularity.
this post was submitted on 15 Jun 2023
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What would it help if they apologize if they don't mean it/see what they did wrong? If it wasn't person As intention to hurt person B, but B insists that person A apologizes, it would result in A apologizing for Bs feelings aka "I'm sorry you feel this way". I don't think that that's better.
I've heard that that type of statement could be considered passive-aggressive because it's not a real apology since it's implying that the problem is on the hurt person for choosing to feel that way.
Exactly. I'd interpret "I'm sorry you feel this way" passive-aggressive as well and that's the reason I wouldn't want to push someone to apologize to me if they don't want to. How do THEY get to apologize for MY feelings?
I guess it's just a difficult situation to be in. I think it is okay if you do something another person doesn't like/hurts them but not apologize for it. You didn't know it better. If they tell you that they were hurt by your action then acknowledge it ("It wasn't my intention. I won't do it again.") AND DON'T DO IT AGAIN (if it's a reasonable request and/or you know the person)! Simple as that. People don't HAVE TO apologize for their actions especially if it's something that isn't offensive to most people and they couldn't have known someone else doesn't like it. Of course it would be nice to hear "I'm sorry I hurt you" or something along those lines too, but I also understand that they don't want to apologize if they don't see a problem in the act itself. But If they still proceed to do the action then I'd be pissed (again if it's a reasonable request).
I agree. People don't have to apologize, but the recipients don't have to disregard the behaviors. I think the problem comes from when you are upset over their actions despite their intent, and they insist that you don't feel the way you are feeling. It's not that I'm requesting an apology, and they don't want to give one. It's that I feel a certain way, and they want me to feel differently without apologizing for it. That's not how I function, and we don't have to insist on a relationship in which our different functioning styles don't interact well.
yesssssssss!!!! This is the most important part of any apology. Even if they give the most wonderful speech of an apology that acknowledges their behaviors and impact, it means nothing if they do not take active effective steps to avoid doing it again. If doing something hurtful, apologizing for it, and then doing it again is a pattern, that's getting into the realm of abuse.
edit (sent the answer too fast)
okay, I'd say that that is another problem than not wanting for apologizing for one's actions.
I don't think that most people want the other person to feel differently but to make them understand that they didn't hurt them on purpose (that's why they empathize the 'but I didn't mean to') but then they get defensive when they are asked to apologize because to them that means that the offended person thinks that they did do it on purpose, that they did it to spite/hurt them. Like unknowingly bringing up a sensitive topic during a conversation. They don't want to apologize that they spoke about this topic because they don't think that it's a inherently 'wrong' topic to talk about. They do, however, want to convey that they didn't know that this is a sensitive topic to you and they wouldn't have brought it up if they'd known better. At least that's the way I see it if I'm in the position of a neutral observer in this kind of situation.
If your counterpart is actively trying to manipulating you that's different of course but I didn't interpret the comic from that point of view.
I'd like them to acknowledge what they did wrong even if they didn't mean to hurt me? It really doesn't take much
But isn't that the point? They don't think that they did something wrong. They didn't intend to hurt you with their action, which they try to convey to you, but they don't think that their action was wrong in principle. Like baking an apple pie for a group where someone is allergic to apples and they didn't know that or simply just forgot. The action of baking a pie is not something to apologize for even if someone felt left out because they couln't eat it and therefore were hurt.
I didn't interpret this comic to be about situations like baking an apple pie for someone they didn't know is allergic to apples. Who would call that "acting really awful?" I interpreted it as when someone does something mean or hurtful, like actually genuinely hurtful that they should not have done and should not do again, and they refuse to acknowledge it just because their intention wasn't to hurt someone's feelings. This is how people respond when I ask them to, e.g., stop saying bigoted things or using manipulation tactics.
And I interpreted the comic about a situation/action that hurt person A without the intention of person B. Like genuinely nothing that hurts most people and person B couldn't have known that their action was offensive/hurtful to person A. How would you like to be apologized to in that situation? "I'm sorry I hurt you" would probably be the answer for most people. But for me "I'm sorry" goes hand in hand with changing your actions in the future. You can't change something you don't know. You can say that you're sorry, but you can't guarantee that you won't hurt the person with another action again. Therefore the only thing you can apologize for is the action itself and as I said I interpeted that the action was harmless/not offensive for most people. Therefore apologizing for doing the action seems unfair to me. It wasn't your intention to hurt the other person and you'll refrain from doing the action again in the vicinity of person A.
If I interpret the comic your way I don't see how being pushed/forced to say "I'm sorry" would mean anything. If the person has bigoted views, therefore says something bigoted and you rightfully tell them that hurt you but they don't see what they did wrong, you demanding to be apologized to won't change their view. I'd even say that saying "I'm sorry" is used as an manipulation tactic since it's often used as a get-out-of-jail-free card. If you don't change your actions "I'm sorry" doesn't mean anything. And if you have to be forced to say I'm sorry (and therefore don't seem to see something wrong in your actions) it's the same as saying nothing at all.