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Women of Lemmy, how to pleasure someone that does not enjoy any clitoris stimulation? (self.asklemmy)

submitted 2 days ago* (last edited 1 day ago) by MTK to c/[email protected]

NSFW 70 comments fedilink hide all child comments

Well, as the title says, I'm facing an issue that I'm not sure how to improve.

My partner does not enjoy any sort of clitoris stimulation, I tried everything from rough to gentle, from fingers to tongue, with lube and without. It seems that she truly does not enjoy it in anyway.

She does enjoy penetration very much and I put all of my efforts there, but I feel like I can't get her to an orgasm/higher pleasure and while she is satisfied right now I fear that over time she wont be.

So my question is what else can I do? There are some other pleasure areas that we use such as ears, emotional connection, fantasies, dirty talk, etc.

Maybe something I haven't tried on the clitoris? Maybe something else that can take it to the next level? Maybe something that she can do? Maybe just accept that this is okay? Again, she does enjoy herself a lot and is completely satisfied as far as I know, but as I'm her first I think that she is missing out on a level of pleasure that I can't figure how to help her achieve without the clitoris.

ETA: she does not masturbate, so no guidance or hidden methods on her part.

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[–] [email protected] 1 points 15 hours ago (2 children)

Yeah basically what you wrote is accurate. No therapy though. She won't take it. I asked several times.

I think the crux of issue is a blame myself for all this. I get told no " it's not you, it's me" but I still feel like a failure of a partner.

[–] RBWells 1 points 5 hours ago

I just want to say that it's not frivolous or silly to need sex with your partner, you are not wrong to be distressed. It's a natural and normal thing to need in a romantic relationship.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 13 hours ago (1 children)

No no.. Don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong here. Very scientifically speaking we still have no clear answer on how the sexuality of a person is determined. So far there is a consensus that there is a biological factor also in play.

It is not your failure as a partner. These are things beyond your control. She also can't do much on this. Therapy won't change the underlying reality. It will just help you to cope up with the hard realities that you are facing.

I highly recommend you take individual therapy if you haven't done so far. You may have to untangle decades of experiences to get in terms with it. It's never late, and the right therapist will definitely improve how you handle this.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 7 hours ago (1 children)

What do I even describe this to a therapist as? My partner doesn't want say they are asexual but all the signs are there. Help me be cool with it when I'm the literal opposite end of the spectrum? I feel if I stop trying, then that's me giving up on her.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 5 hours ago

I would say exactly that is what you have to describe. As I said certain things cannot be changed with therapy. It can only help you to get in terms with it.

Regarding the last point you mentioned. You are not giving up on her. Exerting constant pressure can't change certain realities. It is like thinking you can drain an ocean with a bucket and a lot of time.

You have to accept that there is nothing 'wrong' with your partner. If she is asexual there is nothing to 'cure'. You must build your life around this fact to be happy.

This does not mean that your needs should be discarded. In the same way you accept and respect the fact that she is asexual, she also has to take a mature stand and work on finding common grounds or compromises. That is how relationships work, isn't it?

You start therapy. Remember that you will need to find a suitable therapist. So don't hesitate to change therapists until you find one you are comfortable with. Maybe the therapist can help you on how this topic needs to be discussed with your partner. That may slowly open up new ways to improve the conditions.