Right now, my wife is finishing up her last day of work at her current job. Her boss has been on again/off again toxic and she had enough. She’s got another job lined up right away on Monday.
The past two weeks since she put her notice in, it’s been nothing but a torrent of praise of all of her contributions. Every day she’s been emotional about someone telling her how much they value her and are going to miss her. Taking her out to lunches, numerous emails and texts of positive affirmation.
Her new job comes with a HUGE sacrifice on my end. Not only do I have to do school pickups for our four kids, I had to forgo my remote days (2x a week), so I can depart an hour or so earlier to be the one to pick them up every day. Now I also have the sole responsibility to bring them to appointments.
Now, here’s what falls on my plate:
- Morning school prep (Make Breakfast, Lunches)
- Pickups
- if children are sick, I have to be the one to work from home/PTO
- Dinner, given she will just be getting done at work
- Homework supervision
- Bedtime routines
- Cleaning
On top of this, she wants more things off of her plate, like playdate organization and activity planning.
I’m super hurt by this. And she thinks I’m not supportive of the job change for her. What she doesn’t realize is that my anxiety is through the roof of managing even more things while being the primary breadwinner.
It’s so unfair.
She gets complimented for everything she does. No one ever thanked me for my time at work, usually just a brief “see ya”.
She gets less and less on her plate, pretty much by brute force. “About time, husbands don’t realize how good they have it.”
She gets everything she wants. Time, space, possessions. She’s the gatekeeper of our intimacy and doesn’t desire me.
I’m always concerned for her, and compliment and reassure her of any insecurities. She will not even flinch if I have an anxiety attack.
I just want to scream.
You are an amazing man helping your wife through a big transition. But the dialogue has to be there to discuss balancing work, family, and personal lives. From what you described you're basically doing everything for the family. Once the dust settles in her change there will have to be adjustments to responsibilities.
I'm a father of 3, and I am the only income in my family. My wife stays at home as the home maker, she knows her duties. I know mine. And if they change we are both doing it together. Things are getting expensive here, so financial decisions are made by us both. Not just me. Even though I make the money. And family decisions are made by us. Even though she's spending the majority of the time raising the kids. It's a team effort. A family effort. If she's stepping away from being part of the family that both of you helped create then there needs to be communications on the next steps. Whether you do it together, or a 3rd party via therapy.
It seems you're highly supportive but your side isn't being heard.