this post was submitted on 08 Oct 2024
346 points (98.1% liked)
The Onion
4464 readers
2438 users here now
The Onion
A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
I want yall to know the best part of working with senile elderly folks is how often they'll tell you the most insane stuff.
Do you have a good one off the top you would be willing to share?
A lady confessed to killing her first husband.
She said that he was wonderful, kind, caring, right up until she had her firstborn. Then he struck her.
She said she killed him (while he was sleeping), buried him in the garden, and that night she moved "the next state over." She married a different man (who claimed he fathered her firstborn) and they had many years and many other children together.
someone ran up the numbers once and one effect no one talks about with the availability of divorce is how fast the male spouse death rate went down. Seriously, I think it was something staggering like a 75% drop.
There have always been a lot of women who won't put up with that bullshit.
those black eyed peas tasted alright to me, Earl
lotta falling off ladders in the olden days. Something those project 25 "let's remove no fault divorce" fuckers might need to remember....
Yeah, the desire to relegate women to reproductive and domestic labor and deny the freedom to leave can really be reframed as opportunity and motive. I for one would be terrified to have someone who wants to leave me cooking my food and sharing my bed, that’s like two of the easiest ways to kill or debilitate someone.
The only realistic solution is to hire a taster to ensure all your foods are poison free. Finally the right can live out that age-old Medieval feudal fantasy.
Yeah, because the alternative, you know, being a decent and nice human being is souch worse!
I never understood those that need violence to get what they want. More flies with honey than vinegar and such...
Do you maybe have a source? This sounds like a very interesting read
Found it!
https://www.encyclopedia.com/reference/encyclopedias-almanacs-transcripts-and-maps/when-women-kill-their-partners
It was a 71.4% drop btw
Me and a few guys used to go to nursing homes once a month and play old music for them. Elvis, some old gospel, old country, Bobby Darin, just whatever they wanted. We got to be friends with the residents.
One of the guys told me the story of how his first wife beat him with a frying pan while he was asleep and he ran off to Mexico to get away. He eventually married another woman who had poisoned her first husband because he beat her right after their first kid was born. They were married for 70 years when she died and ended up with 4 kids total.
Apparently that was pretty common at one time. I do not know whether he deserved to be hit with a skillet or not, but if he did he never acted up again because he knows he'd have been killed.
Holy shit, amazing. Thank you for taking some time out of your day for story time
100%. I worked with an old-timer Newfoundlander who delighted in telling me that in the ought-sorties when he was a teen he passed out in a dinghy on the dock after a night of drinking and woke up at sea as an accidental stow-away on some merchant ship. He hid as long as he could but eventually got caught and it was some ship/crew from the eastern hemisphere and (to hear him tell it) threatened him with going overboard unless he got to work in the galley so that's what he did. He said he sailed with them all over the world for two or three years before landing in Canada again and decided to take a stroll around his former community to learn that his family had assumed him dead, had the whole funeral or whatever, case closed in their minds. I asked him if he looked up his people to let them know and he was like fuck that shit I hated all of them with a passion! so he went back out to sea and did that most of his life. He was hilarious.