On the weekend I am planning to take psilocybin for the first time. I am generally a very careful and cautious person. During my twenties I got struck heavily by depression. What saved me from it and many bad habits that I picked up through the years was an ever increasing meditation regiment that continuously reduced the frequency of my recurring bouts of depression.
I am not sure what to do. I feel like psilocybin could be just the thing that completely cuts the remaining shackles of my depression or this is what I fear; it drives me completely insane.
Maybe meditation will bring me also there, maybe I am just too impatient. I don't know.
I am looking to rediscover genuine joy. Being able to relate to
people. I often have the feeling I can not connect to people on a fundamental level because there is this traumatizing depression with us in the room and I just think they haven't seen what I have seen.
And this separates us.
I feel undecided and it seems like I am lacking the wisdom to make a
decision.
I recommend a "threshold dose" for your first experience. This means just enough to feel something, maybe some light visuals. This should be about 1 gram of dry mushrooms for most people.
This should be enough to have a fun experience without getting overwhelmed. Know that there is a chance that you get the dose wrong (too low) and end up having an experience that is lighter than you intended. In my opinion this is much better than too heavy of an experience. The light experience is particularly good for someone like you that is fearful since you won't ever really feel out of control, just kind of like a dreamy feeling.
Based on how this light trip goes, you can have a heavier trip in about four weeks. Go for 2 grams on the second trip, this should still be pretty light. Wait another four weeks then try 3 grams, this should be a moderate experience. Four grams is getting into heavy experience territory, and 5 grams is known as a heroic dose.
The goal of this process is to find your preferred dose. Some people will tell you that you have to do a high dose for it to be worthwhile at all. Terence McKenna famously advocated for heroic doses. If you like the experience I absolutely recommend trying a heroic dose, but if you get to 3 grams and decide that's as far as you want to go there's nothing wrong with staying at that dose for your next trips.
Another thing to consider for depression is dmt. It has a reputation as being very powerful, which it is, but that depends on the dose. If you can source dmt in a vape pen, it's incredibly easy to go through this entire "find your preferred dose" process in an afternoon. Personally I have no intention of using any other substance besides dmt because I so strongly prefer its short duration.
Good luck with your trip this weekend,