ADHD

Yeah the boundaries thing is a big issue since he's still finding his. He genuinely doesn't have the ability to find out what he's REALLY feeling until after arguments and blowups. Generally I can find out what IS bothering him by just paying attention in the background but it's like pulling nails even when we ask. He knows his mom is going to sass back with her voice if not necessarily her words since she's also upset. Part of the boundary thing is that he just straight up wants to 'manage himself'. But he doesn't see what we see. He thinks staying shut up in the PC room for 18 hours while drinking only kool aid and eating a can of green beans is taking care of himself.

Like no dude lmfao. Just like if you call your mom a bitch, break shit around the house. No, you're not getting grounded for a day or given a warning. That stuff is A BIG FUCKING DEAL. That shit is weeks or longer until your behavior makes CLEAR improvements or we see you're ACTUALLY TRYING vs just doing your time. He's always had issues with flagrantly disregarding clear and reasonable requests with PLENTY of time and having to ask MULTIPLE times. He waits until you're having to YELL at him the 3rd-4th time vs asking nicely. He's learned long ago that YELLING is when he ACTUALLY HAS TO DO THE THING then gets upset he only does the thing when his mom is having to go that far. Like dude, we've gone over this repeatedly, both her and myself. Eventually your mom stops asking nicely and immediately goes to yelling since that's the only time you respond lol. People get tired of that shit and having to yell constantly to get someone to do something makes people throw their hands up in frustration and give up until they summon their mettle again.

I expanded on it a little more in my first comment, but I appreciate the input.