Jokes

Those are non-stick.

And there's five people in my family.

And I know I'm not Chinese.

So it's either my mum, or my dad, or my younger brother Charlie, or my older brother Huang.

Personally, I think it's Charlie.

Because it was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

It was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

Why did the gorilla fall out of the tree?

Thought it was a monkey.

She called him on the mobile asking, "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, do you remember the jewellery shop with that diamond necklace you fell in love with, and I could not afford it but I said it'll be yours one day?"

With a smile, she blushed, "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the pub next to that shop."

Back then, it was ground breaking stuff.

I think it sounds a little far fetched.

Not entirely sure why, but that flag was a big plus.

That would be a faux pa.

The man orders a few drinks for himself and the giraffe. After a couple of hours, the giraffe passes out and slumps on the ground. The mans starts to walk out.

The bartender shouts, "Hey you, you can't leave that lyin' here"

The man turns around and says "That's not a lion, its a giraffe."

Chemistry jokes are funny periodically, but physics jokes have way more potential.

..

But then the librarian threw me out.

Fo drizzle.

Two childs did go out into a forest for a picknic

"Wow, this spot is so nice"

"Yes, the thousands of ants cant be wrong"

Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather. Perverted is when you use the whole bird.

Says he gotta pitch. VC says go ahead.

"So we first, we take the money and we go to the least developed part of the world and we pay some people to kidnap some small children and force the inhabitants to sign over their land rights. Then we get some other people to write up some reports that say there's gold in the hills and we raise a bunch more money. "Then we just basically, we build an island where we hire loyal guards, I have a guy he says he can do an implant that'll make them loyal, we can use those villagers. And we just build a fort and we only let hot chicks and people with sweet jetskis come. "Anyways we stock up on guns and stuff and wait for it all to burn and then we rule the world, we do anything we want!"

VC says, "That's an incredibly immoral idea, we love it, in fact, we've already been working on this for some time. What do you call this start up anyways?"

"The Aristechrats"

- Excuse me, do you have 5000 pretzels?

The clerk at the bakery is somewhat surprised but the question, but he gives the man a straight answer.

- Sorry, no.

- OK.

The man leaves, but he comes back the next day.

- Do you have 5000 pretzels.

The clerk is clearly intrigued, but once again, they don't have 5000 pretzels, so he tells the man no and the man leaves again.

This got the clerk thinking, maybe they should bake 5000 pretzels, this man clearly wants to buy them.

So, the clerk is ready the next day. Sure enough, the same man enters the bakery.

-Excuse me, do you 5000 pretzels.

- Yes sir, we sure do ☺️.

- Jesus, who in the fuck is gonna buy that many pretzels!

Would Greece help?

I think he was picking his nose.

Poultry in motion.

They tested positive for WD40.

It will always be stationery.

Sit under a tree.

He was caught in a trap.

As soon as we got home, he made a bolt for the door.