BereavementTips

Having knowledge on a subject like bereavement is helpful but processing the grief is much more than knowledge.

I am personally very smart. I don't like to toot my own horn and rarely tell people that I have a high IQ. I also know the stages of grief and knowing the signs and being able to handle them are two different things. It can often feel like standing on the railroad tracks in cement shoes with a train coming at you as fast as possible. The train is coming and you know it's going to get you if you don't get out of the way but at the same time you can't get out of the way fast enough to not be hit.

Most of the time when things are coming the best thing you can do is get yourself to a safe place where you can be comfortable and have support to get through it. That can mean heading home and going to bed or finding a quiet place. It could mean being in a situation where you have friends and loved ones around to help. Everyone deals with grief and loss differently so how they deal with it will be as varied as there are people on the planet.

You have to find your "safe place" for yourself and do your best to utilize it when needed. But remember that it's not always going to be feasible to drop what you are doing and head to your safe place. I personally found a lot of help in talking to random people as well as posting here for those who need the help. I am truly a wounded healer and want to help others through their grief while also helping to relieve some of my own grief as well.

Not long before creating this subreddit my wife passed away.

.

.

.

.

.

It's been a tough couple years since then but something has changed for me. I have found someone to spend time with, got to go on a trip, and started something to help me sleep, relieve pain, and feel a little bit better. I am not a person who likes taking anything as many family members have been some sort of addict. I saw their lives go to crap over what they enjoyed and now they are either deceased or in prison and their kids are on a pretty bad path as well.

With that said I have to say that sometimes you have to get outside help, especially if you have thoughts of self harm. A trusted friend, a pastor, a counselor, random people, a partner, someone, anyone.... You also need to potentially be willing to go to a doctor and get some help that way as well. I don't advocate the "a pill for everything and for everything a pill" lifestyle that the drug corporations want you to have. But if you are not sleeping, in constant pain, or dealing with major depression after a loss you deserve a little relief. I have a general bedtime routine that includes taking something to help me sleep and something for pain. Taking that gives my mind a little bit of a reprieve which helps the depression to lessen a little bit. A couple days ago something happened and I felt full of energy, happiness, and contentment. I don't know exactly what happened but it was like a switch flipped and everything is right in the world. I can honestly say I don't really ever remember feeling this good.

So PLEASE look for some outside help. I talked to strangers quite a bit and have found someone I enjoy being with whom I can also talk with about things. With that and the medication I feel like a changed person and hope that it lasts for the rest of my life since I have already spent most of it so far feeling like nothing will go right for me.

Someone who has gone through a major loss will still be dealing with a lot of emotions for years to come. They will also often be lonely and searching for someone to connect with. It's not for everyone and will be a lot of work so please don't fake interest and then drop them as you will do MUCH more harm that way.

If you do have genuine interest then please understand that EVERYONE has some sort of baggage and losing someone you loved dearly is a lot of baggage. However what you gain from that while giving understanding is something you will never experience otherwise. Don't get angry if the name of their loved one who was lost slips out either. It's not done on purpose but shows that they are dealing with their loss and you have likely reminded them of something good that they are missing.

I have personally called my girlfriend my wife's name a couple times on accident and I shake my head and apologize because it's not what I truly meant to say but it's the name my brain reached for in that moment. Sometimes it's hard to deal with but having someone who understands makes things so much easier to deal with.

A lot of people often say "I am sorry for your loss" and things like "I can't imagine what you are going through." Well I would like you to imagine something for a minute...

So you were out one night having a good time and feel like you are on top of the world. The next thing you know you are waking up in Hospital in pain and can't feel your arms or legs. You start trying to move them but there is nothing but pain. Pretty soon a nurse comes in and tries to explain and calm you down. She tells you there was an accident and both arms had to be amputated at the shoulder and both legs amputated at the hip. You will never walk again and you will never be able to feed yourself with your own hands again. Your life as you knew it is completely over.

That is what it feels like to wake up and no longer have the person you have loved for years feels. That empty pit in your stomach every time you think about them. The pain in your heart when you just want to touch them or have a conversation with them. It's things you will never do while you continue to walk the earth. Many times you want to go to sleep at night and sleep forever instead of dealing with the pain.

As we heal and start to get to a point where we are in a better state of mind we have to remember that we will still have breakdowns from time to time. There will be triggers all around us, sometimes a TV show, a movie, a song, a smell, the sound of a voice, and many more possible. It's natural and it can be uncomfortable but it does help you get to a better place. That is part of the grieving process.

Sometimes you have to talk about it and cry to get over the pain and make new memories. This is especially true with the people who are around you often. My wife and I took many road trips and watched a lot of shows and movies. On a road trip we almost always had some music playing and there are a ton of songs that take me back to a trip we did many times. I can't stop listening to music so I have to deal with the pain that sometimes creeps up. But at the same time I can talk to my girlfriend and her son and explain things and talk about my wife and share those memories and a little bit of the pain with them. In turn we all become closer and the little bit of the pain shared is pain shed from my own burden, in the same light they are less deeply connected and they recover from the pain quickly and are able to cast it away and not have it become a burden to them.

Go out and do the things that you loved to do with them, visit the special places in your heart. It doesn't matter if those special places are a physical place or a song, or a movie, or anything that reminds you of them. It will be tough and we can't do it all day every day but a little bit here and there will help you to ease the overall pain and grow into something that the person you loved and lost will be proud of. As I write this to share with others to hopefully help reduce their pain I know in my heart the my wife is proud of where I have come from and gotten to.

I have suffered a few major losses in life and have ALWAYS taken them very hard. Even losing a pet would send me into a spiral of depression so you can imagine some of the things that I have dealt with when losing someone whom I cared about very much. My great uncle was so bad that I couldn't even shed tears until months later, it was pure shock. Losing my son at 9 days old gave me nightmares for months and watching shows with children, especially babies, where they are in a life or death situation is a big trigger for me. Losing my wife was the single hardest thing I have ever dealt with and the only thing that kept me going was a promise I made to my wife...

I still refer to my son as my son, NOTHING will change that. EVER. I still also refer to my wife as my wife most of the time. Her first name is Shaunamarie and I would often just call her Shauna but when I talk about her many time I just talk about my wife. My girlfriend has been ok with it and the other day I actually asked her if it bothered her because I have started to notice this and I don't want her to feel like she is second fiddle to my wife. She understands and we talk about things like this as often as possible so there is no animosity about things.

If you are dating someone who has lost a loved one. Understand that if they start talking about their wife or husband or partner or whatever it does not mean that they care about you less. It means they are trying to heal and still remember that person as well. They are not doing it to cause you pain and please DON'T take it that way. If it bothers you mention it when they are having a good day, be calm, be willing to talk about it. Don't give them an ultimatum about using the term unless you are ready to no longer be around them ever again. Losing a loved one like a wife or husband whom have been a part of a persons life for many years is tough to do and it's NOTHING like a divorce where you have pain and often times animosity. And the hardest losses to take are the ones that are pretty much unexpected, losing someone to an illness that has taken a while to progress knowing that things are going to come to an end around a certain time are in some ways easier to deal with because you can tell that person goodbye. I woke up one morning to find my wife not breathing and it was not exactly unknown that she was sick but it was not expected to happen for years down the road.

Please take the time to care for the person you are with and enjoy the good things as often as possible. When you help heal a person with a broken heart you will get cut and have some pain as well but the person you help will be the most loyal person you can ever have in your life.

Stay safe, don't be stupid, enjoy life, and Do Good Things.

Dealing with loss is different for everyone. You will hear of some people who can deal with things and move on quickly and you will hear of others who are never able to fully move on. No matter what loss will change your life and it can be almost like dealing with PTSD for some.

Personally I fall within the PTSD category, there are some days which are nothing but struggles to get through the day and most days I can feel the pain just under my skin so to speak. This is one of the reason why I don't personally enjoy having pets. Every pet that I fall in love with ends up being a loss I will have to deal with at some point. I have lost many pets as a child and the pain is always great. As an adult I have not generally kept pets outside of an aquarium but have lost a son at nine days old and my wife of ten years passed away a few months before I started this subreddit. My wife and I ended up "adopting" a dog, I honestly did not want him because I knew eventually there would be the loss to deal with at some point. That time is soon approaching. Don't get me wrong I love her dog and him being with me helped me get through the worst year of my life but some days it feels like I just lost my wife all over again because I know what is coming.

My wife's dog Rascal has cancer. More than likely inoperable and in all honesty if it was operable I probably couldn't afford to pay for it. Sure there is chemotherapy but subjecting a person who knows what is going on is bad enough IMHO, treating a pet who doesn't understand why they feel awful is not something I can do. I worry about Rascal being in pain all the time and some days it's a downward spiral into despair. I often think about not wanting him to be in pain, about having to have him put down, and how I am going to deal with it. I love him so very much and I am honestly sitting here in tears right now because it is so painful for me to think about but at the same time, I also want to help others who may feel the same way. That is why I started this community, to help others.

I don't have all the answers, sadly. I wish I did so I didn't have to feel this way but having someone who cares about you and supports you is one thing I feel is a true must if you do suffer as I do from loss. Planning things is another tool I use. Doing as much as you can to keep yourself busy helps as well. But overall you still have to deal with things or it will steadily eat you up inside. That is why I think having someone to talk to is probably one of the best tools you can have to deal with things and I am so very grateful for the person I have in my life to help me through the really bad days.

I truly hope that others who are dealing with loss can also get out there and find someone who helps bear the burden they have on their heart. I also hope that my tips are also helpful for others who are out there dealing with it.

I had a very nice family invite me to Thanksgiving dinner. They don't know me and I didn't know them but even though I really would have liked to stay home I went. And honestly it felt nice to not be alone for a little while. They have my deepest gratitude for having me come over.

Believe me that a lot of people will turn down the invite if you extend it to them. Keep offering though, or stop by with a plate of food. Some people will want to stay at home and not be a bother. Offer to come over a few days before and cook, especially if that is not something they do well or feel up to doing. Take them to the store and pick up a few things you will need and use their kitchen. You can have a meal with them and leave knowing their refrigerator has some things in it for the holidays.

While holidays were not big with my wife and I many times I would still cook something nice for us to have. We may celebrate on a different day or a different time than the average family but I still miss having her here to do those things.

The thought of someone coming over and pulling a frozen ham or turkey out of the freezer and making use of the kitchen makes me long for it. I will eventually get to the point where I want to cook but for now heat and eat meals are pretty much my life as is being alone.

This is especially true when money or insurance policies are involved but can also happen when one person thinks they should receive certain things. Even though you are going through a rough time and things will make you want to explode don't get baited into the fight. Many families have broken apart due to things like this and even if you give in to all of their whims they will still find a way to cause more issues. Do your best to follow the wishes of the person whom was lost even if that means you have to have an impartial party represent the estate. It sucks but I have dealt with this a couple times now and know some other people who have as well.

You will stay in a depression mode if you stay in that bubble.

I have went through loss multiple times and believe me when I say there are many times where I wanted to do nothing other than stay in bed or just stay at home. You can not live the rest of your life that way. You have to make friends and take risks even if that means you will be hurt again. Being ghosted or told by someone they are not interested or anything of that nature is a risk you have to take to heal. This is especially true if you lost a partner. They would not want you to live your life alone just because they are no longer with you.

Find at least one new hobby or resurrect a hobby that you used to enjoy and pursue it. It may be as silly as a trading card game or as complex as learning a new language and traveling. (Extra tip here is DuoLingo) Take the trip you have always wanted to do and make a new friend somewhere. If you are going to take a trip meet a local through something like couchsurfing and you will often find someone who will enjoy taking some time to show you around. Or maybe offer to host or show someone else around where you live.

I took a cruise with a friend and had never been outside of the US before my wife passed away. I learned to scuba dive and have some of my own equipment. I will be going to Jamaica in January and seeing the island where my wife grew up. I don't have a lot of money but my friend and my wife's aunt have helped make these things possible. I have even started to try and find someone that I at the very least can get to know and possibly even have a relationship with. I know my wife would want me to do these things and some of them are things we had talked about doing but never could afford to do with her medical bills.

While I was on the cruise ship I talked to multiple people and honestly told them that it was bittersweet for me. I miss my wife very badly and a few days were really rough. I talked to people and told a few of them that if I am crying it's ok, I am just going through a lot and that my wife had passed away. People will often listen and talk. I received a hand on a shoulder multiple times and one woman gave me a hug when we were leaving the last port we were at. It's the little things like this that help make the pain bearable on those bad days. Remember there are good caring people everywhere but you have to get out of your bubble to meet them.

The title says it all. There will be days where things just go wrong. You will miss the person you lost and other bad things will happen. Have a few drinks and do something you enjoy and do your best to just forget. Maybe it's not the way the experts say to do things but every once in a while it's ok to do.

Since my wife passed away I have only gotten drunk twice and had a drink three or four times total. Today was a get drunk and play some games day.

Update: I still believe this is true. Please don't overdo it and it's best to have friends or family around but having a way for your mind to let go of a little bit of the grief for a time does help.

Loss is a long term process and it's a lifetime of healing.

The first few days after a loss and even the first few weeks are hard especially if you lose someone close to you. But eventually things will become more stable and you will start to get back to your old self again. Eventually you will probably have something that triggers a thought or feeling and it will feel like day all over again. It's hard and can be discouraging but it is natural.

I recently had this happen and it's been almost nine months since losing my wife. I sat and cried and felt awful for a couple days, talking with a friend a little bit has helped and I have been working on a little project making some wooden flags to sell for some extra funds which helped a lot. You have to push through and keep going. There is nothing wrong with crying and having those bad days. I have also dealt with them years after losing my son so believe me when I say it is a lifetime of healing but if I can get through it so can you.

Simply be there for them and have a conversation. Give them a hug or a simple text showing that you care can do a lot to help them with their grief.

This works especially well when you know it is something they would say.

After losing my wife I would often talk to her and tell her how my day has been and how I miss her. When I needed to wash laundry or clean the kitchen I would promise her in the morning that I would get it done today or in the evening that I would do it the next day. Many times I knew she would be telling me I would need to do something so I promised her just like I would when she was here with me.

It's the little things like this that can help you get through the initial things that you are dealing with and keep your life on track.

They will get tons of support at first but it will drop off within a couple weeks. Be the person who checks on them for the long term not just while it's fresh in your mind and convenient.

Many times I have asked other people to get something to eat with me after losing my wife. The one thing I hate doing is going to eat something alone. I also have not felt up to cooking since she passed away so other than something I can toss in the microwave or maybe a frozen pizza I don't eat much and most of the time those things are not all that healthy anyway. I have helped a few people do things and rather than them paying me I just tell them they can cook something or go eat something, sadly most of them just blow me off.

Things are just getting started but will soon be up and running. These tips should either be to help cope with the loss or for others who are trying to help a friend or loved one deal with a loss of their own.

Attacks and attitudes will not be tolerated here. Be civil or else.

I will eventually be looking for moderators to help with the community. This will all take time but rest assured there will eventually be more people to help. When I start looking for mods I will be looking for people who have a good attitude as well as people who have posted things that seem to be helpful.

Every so often there will be a vote put to the members to pick the top tips that will be put on to a master list.

You may ask why I may be qualified for this community. I lost my son who was 9 days old quite a few years ago and also lost my wife of ten years. Things have been difficult and I wanted a place to share with others the things I wish people would do or things I have done to get by. I am by no means an expert but I have dealt with a lot and hope to help others get by.

I am currently migrating this community and a few others I have setup from Reddit at this time. I am trying to do this as quickly as I can and as such posts may look a little off or have links that do not work. Please bear with me as I migrate through this process.

-MuttMutt