Transfem

Nobody can hurt me more than I can. Choosing to suffer so they don’t hurt me isn’t living. I accepted violence may Befall me and that it may cost me my life to transition before I started. It was part of the wisdom of the time back then

So yeah they can spit on me. Maybe they’ll even try to kill me. But I’m not the one hurting me so long as I’m transitioning, they carry the weight of their actions. I will force them to hurt me themselves. And I will be a person who forces your soul to ache when you hurt her. And throughout all this I still meet bigots. But I have spit to spare too.

So I’ll preface this by saying that I’m not trans, so I can’t speak to that specifically. And if that perspective is what’s important to you, feel free to ignore.

But the main thing to remember is that they are not hating you because you are trans.

They hate you because they are hateful people, and will use whatever justification they can to avoid treating everyone well.

First it was black people, then Latin people, then gay people, etc.

They will always pick a group, big enough for them to be aware of but small enough they feel can be bullied without consequence.

And unfortunately right now, trans people are that group. But looking at the above list should also give you hope, because they tried to dehumanize all of those groups, and they lost every. Single. Time.

So just remember that ultimately if your not hurting anyone, then you are not doing anything wrong, and feel free to tell anyone that tells you otherwise to go fuck themselves. For being trans, or anything else.

Remember MLK’s quote, that the moral arc of the universe is long, but it bends toward justice.

I was at rock bottom when I came out. I figured that if it was life or death then fuck it, I'm going out how I feel I should. That was 4 years ago. I feel like the misgendering stopped at around the 3 to 3.5 year mark and that was the worst thing to happen. Keep in mind I live in a very liberal area and get hypervigilant when traveling to conservative areas.

Honestly it is scary, but it depends on where you are. I boymoded for a really long time and eventually I couldn't take it anymore. I had to be myself and I said to myself "screw it, so what if I die" and so far people have been a lot nicer to me than expected. However, I am quite hypervigilant and I make sure to look out for and avoid people I think will give me trouble.

I have had far more positive interactions than negative ones. In 10 years, I've never been physically assaulted or directly insulted or threatened in public. While transphobia is pernicious in society, it doesn't often present explosively. Far more people are uninformed or misinformed rather than actively hostile.

Please know no that youre appreciated from some rando in indiana, good luck!

I am not trans, but I will say that I think you should move to a more accepting area first. We would be thrilled to welcome you as whichever gender identity you'd like to be here in the Bay Area.

Best of luck internet friend.

Support is important. Being trans means being a minority, and that means being exposed to minority stress. There's a significant segment of the population that hates us (not because they really do, but because they've been conditioned to).

Being trans, especially during the transition period, is fucking hard,and it's about 10x worse when Fox News is shoveling hate as fast and far as they can.

I've had a lot of really negative experiences since transitioning, especially in the workplace. But I've also found some of the most meaningful relationships and a career that feels like I've found my purpose.

There's lots of good and lots of bad, and that's why support systems are . If you're in an area that is hostile with no support, you might want to look at non-social forms of affirmation. If you're in a supportive or even neutral community with some kind of pereonal support system, then you have a real chance of living your best life.

If you're somewhere in between, I suggest weighing the risks and benefits and going from there.

I’m from a very red county in Utah, and I had a lot of those same fears when I started transitioning about 15 years ago. I wasn’t as worried about hate crimes back then, but honestly, even nowadays I still feel safe. I’m lucky enough that I’m able to live my life in a low-crime area though. My main worries are about closing opportunities and my life just becoming harder and more stressful.

So yeah, I still have some fear towards being authentic around certain people. I still boymode (as best I can with my appearance) when I’m around family and somewhat at work. But I’ve always known that the earlier a person starts HRT treatment, the more successful their transition would be. So I started taking HRT as soon as I knew how to get it, and I never stopped taking it because I knew I would regret letting my body masculinize even more. And honestly now, I’m confident enough in my transition and who I am, that it doesn’t really matter to me what pronouns people use for me or anything.

I would just say that there is no “right” way to transition, and you can transition in the aspects you want and feel safe with, and boymode in others that are risky or that are not that important to you. But I would caution you to not close future doors by detransitioning, if you know you are trans. I think things will get better with time.

The most transphobia I've experienced is honestly from my mom, which I guess is a bit sad.

I live in a liberal area and generally pass, so I don't get much hate from people on the street at least. I know that even in this area, people can quite mean to non-passing trans women though, with a lot of stares and a few insults. I experienced the stares when I started out and it was kinda rough, but also you get used to it. I'm not sure it's even negative attention, just attention. Pretty much everyone that I actually interacted with day to day has been nice, and once I started passing even the stares stopped.

The worst transphobia I've experienced has been from my mom. Each time we've talked about my transition, she would spew a bunch of nonsense about sex/gender, risks of transition, etc. She's not really curious about the process, she's just finding reasons to stop my transition somehow. Like that quote in the comment, I ended up having to justify who I am. It was exhausting, so I had to stop talking to her. It still makes me sad to have that bond severed, but honestly (as another commenter here put it) it's not even just about the transition. It made me reflect upon a pattern of her not respecting me and my choices throughout my life.

I think most people on the street are scared to bring up the topic of gender transition just like that. They might be a bit mean, but I guess it doesn't bother me. I am kinda airy though, so if someone spit at me on the bus, I may not notice or attribute it to something else haha. The transphobia from close friends and family really digs into me though...

Still, my life is now much better than before. I'm more present within my own body. My transition really put into perspective the lines within society and within my own relationships. They were there all along and probably would be revealed sooner or later, but I really shocked the system into revealing its nature.