Achievers

Fozzie, shut the fuck up!

I like this universe

Okay, I’ll try again with more in-depth conversation about some problem they have to figure out together. Here is another possible screenplay for a crossover where The Dude from the Big Lebowski and Kermit are bowling, but it’s not just another normal day since they have to deal with a kidnapping situation.

INT. BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT

The Dude and Kermit are sitting at a table, drinking White Russians and watching the other bowlers. They are both wearing bowling shirts with their names on them.

KERMIT: So, Dude, how’s life treating you?

DUDE: Oh, you know, strikes and gutters, ups and downs.

KERMIT: I hear you, man. It’s not easy being green.

DUDE: Or being me.

KERMIT: Yeah, well, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.

DUDE: No, man, it’s a fact. I mean, look at me. I’m unemployed, I owe money to some nihilists, and my rug got peed on.

KERMIT: That’s a bummer, Dude.

DUDE: Yeah, well, you know, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

KERMIT: Or the rug.

DUDE: Yeah, or the rug.

They sip their drinks and nod.

KERMIT: But hey, at least you have your friends, right?

DUDE: Yeah, I guess.

KERMIT: I mean, look at me. I have a bunch of crazy Muppets who drive me nuts, but I love them anyway.

DUDE: Yeah, they seem like a fun bunch.

KERMIT: They are, most of the time. Except when they’re not.

DUDE: I hear that, man.

KERMIT: Like, take Miss Piggy, for example. She’s a great singer, a great actress, and a great karate expert. But she’s also a great pain in the neck.

DUDE: Yeah, I noticed.

KERMIT: She’s always trying to get me to marry her, or kiss her, or buy her things.

DUDE: That’s rough, buddy.

KERMIT: Yeah, it is. But what can I do? She’s a pig, and I’m a frog. It’s a classic star-crossed lovers story.

DUDE: Yeah, well, you know, sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes the bear eats you.

KERMIT: Or the pig.

DUDE: Yeah, or the pig.

They sip their drinks and nod.

Suddenly, a loud noise interrupts their conversation. They look up and see a group of masked men storming into the bowling alley, carrying guns and bags.

MASKED MAN 1: Everybody down! This is a robbery!

MASKED MAN 2: Nobody move! Nobody gets hurt!

MASKED MAN 3: We’re here for the money! And the Muppet!

The masked men start shooting at the ceiling and the walls, causing panic and chaos among the bowlers and the staff. They head towards the cashier and the Muppet section, where some of the Muppets are bowling.

KERMIT: Oh, no! They’re after the Muppets!

DUDE: What? Why?

KERMIT: I don’t know, Dude, but we have to do something!

DUDE: Like what, man?

KERMIT: Like, I don’t know, man, but we can’t just sit here and watch!

DUDE: Well, okay, man, but what’s the plan?

KERMIT: I don’t know, man, but we have to think fast!

DUDE: Okay, okay, calm down, man. Let me think.

KERMIT: Hurry, Dude, hurry!

DUDE: Okay, okay, I got it. Here’s what we do. We grab our bowling balls, we sneak behind the bar, we wait for the right moment, and then we throw them at the masked men.

KERMIT: Throw them?

DUDE: Yeah, throw them.

KERMIT: At the masked men?

DUDE: Yeah, at the masked men.

KERMIT: With our bowling balls?

DUDE: Yeah, with our bowling balls.

KERMIT: Are you sure, Dude?

DUDE: Yeah, I’m sure, man. Trust me, it’ll work.

KERMIT: Okay, then. If you say so, Dude.

DUDE: I do say so, man. Come on, let’s go.

They get up and grab their bowling balls. They duck and run behind the bar, avoiding the bullets and the screams. They crouch behind the counter and peek over the edge.

They see the masked men holding the cashier at gunpoint and stuffing money into their bags. They also see some of the Muppets being tied up and dragged into a van outside.

KERMIT: Oh, no! They’re taking the Muppets!

DUDE: Don’t worry, man, we’ll save them.

KERMIT: How, Dude, how?

DUDE: With our bowling balls, man, with our bowling balls.

KERMIT: Okay, Dude, okay. But when, Dude, when?

DUDE: Now, man, now.

They stand up and hurl their bowling balls at the masked men. The balls fly through the air and hit their targets with a loud thud.

The masked men drop their guns and their bags and fall to the ground, groaning and bleeding. The Muppets cheer and untie themselves. The cashier presses the alarm button and calls the police.

KERMIT: We did it, Dude, we did it!

DUDE: Yeah, we did, man, we did!

They high-five and hug.

KERMIT: You’re a hero, Dude, a hero!

DUDE: No, man, you’re a hero, a hero!

KERMIT: No, man, we’re both heroes, heroes!

DUDE: Yeah, man, we’re both heroes, heroes!

They laugh and smile.

KERMIT: So, Dude, are you ready to bowl?

DUDE: Yeah, sure, why not?

KERMIT: All right, then. Let’s go.

DUDE: Okay, then. Let’s go.

They walk to the lanes, carrying their bowling balls. They pass by the masked men, who are still lying on the floor, moaning and bleeding.

DUDE: Hey, man, nice marmot.

KERMIT: Yeah, man, nice marmot.

They reach the lanes and set their balls down.

KERMIT: Hey, Dude, do you mind if I ask you something?

DUDE: No, go ahead, man.

KERMIT: What’s a nihilist?

DUDE: Oh, you know, they’re these guys who don’t believe in anything.

KERMIT: Really?

DUDE: Yeah, really.

KERMIT: Wow, that’s weird.

DUDE: Yeah, it is.

KERMIT: How do you deal with them?

DUDE: Well, you know, I just take it easy, man.

KERMIT: Yeah?

DUDE: Yeah.

KERMIT: That’s cool.

DUDE: Yeah, it is.

They high-five and start bowling.

THE END

Got a little Walter in our Dude.

I like how the dude has 3 hands...