this post was submitted on 28 Jun 2023
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Relationship Advice

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I (21M) am struggling to think as a single person (self.relationship_advice)
submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by ameliorability to c/relationship_advice
26 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

Hello to my friends from Lemmy, the title may be misleading to some.

Long story short, I was in a relationship for a bit over 2 years and I broke up with her recently. I blocked her everywhere, and initially struggled with not thinking about her and our relationship all the time, but now I find it hard to think. Although I have coped and detached very well, it seems that I have nothing to think of, and if I'm not spending my time on entertainment or studying (e.g. in the car) I resort to thinking about my relationship again. It's been making me really unproductive and I'm not even sure what I was like when I was single.

It's not that I am obsessed with "her" or feeling anything, but I can't focus on nothing - it seems that my mental resources keep running and forcing me to concentrate on something. But I don't want to think of "her" again. The past few days I often thought of "her" sexually romantically or as physically present, but now I often stress about the relationship itself and question all the decisions I may have made in the relationship. I mean I've considered actions and things that happened in my relationship in a productive way but I keep on going back to thinking of those things again (which isn't helpful at all).

Does anyone have advice on how I can sit and focus productively or even neutrally, instead of trying to rethink and overthink a relationship that I've already thought of.

Edit: if you want further info about the relationship itself, https://lemmy.world/post/727078

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[–] HappycamperNZ 10 points 1 year ago (2 children)

You're heartbroken mate, and speaking from experience it fucking sucks. I wasn't technically cheated on, but a week after doesn't make it feel any better.There is no way to really get past it - some say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, but TBH I've never tried it. You're not just losing the person, you've lost the future you have planned together and are now trying to live a new one.

Best I have is that it takes time. You will find it getting less and less often, and hits less and less hard until its just gone.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago (1 children)

the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else

This does work most of the time but you also run the risk of falling for someone who isn't a great fit and then you're back in the same cycle.

Time heals all wounds, but that doesn't mean you won't have a scar.

[–] ameliorability 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Damn I have a good number of scars.. as I mentioned in another reply I don't want to be with someone just to deal with this. I want to have genuine connection, not push my issues to someone :) so I wanna wait till it happens not force it.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Oh yeah, I wasn't advocating for that course of action. Just stating from experience that it works but also that it doesn't necessarily fix all problems. There just isn't a good way to heal from this pain other than just wait and work on yourself.

[–] ameliorability 1 points 1 year ago

It must have worked out for her! But my takeaways are that I should give it time and have hobbies.

[–] ameliorability 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Thanks mate. I'm not heartbroken, but the thing is I HAVE NO FEELINGS AT ALL. If anything I feel glad that I found out she had a bf and blocked her, instead of staying with her not knowing about it. In all honesty. I'm just bored and tired that the relationship occupies my mental resources. There's nothing else to think of when I'm not actively doing something. You're right, it feels like I lost the future and now I'm not sure what it feels like to be single. I'm carrying on with my studies but when I'm not studying or watching youtube I find myself thinking of the relationship and I have to force myself to do something I can't just sit and not be bored.

I used to think of calculus and mathematical problems all the time when i was single, I solved all of those complicated problems by now. Now I have nothing to think of at all. I know this doesn't seem a reply to your post, and thank you for your advice, but the major issue isn't heartbreak anymore - more so the unproductivity and boredom on my head that keeps lingering.

You say getting under someone else helps.. that's a good idea, but how can I find solace in myself at the moment? I don't want to be with someone just because I can't deal with this myself. Thank you.

[–] HappycamperNZ 5 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

Heartbreak isn't just the traditional movie heartbreak with ice cream and a bestie. The no feelings at all is a sign of grief and denial.. I remember the numb, distracted feeling all to well even after 18 years, two ex girlfriends and and amazing wife with 3 kids. Even though you broke up with them for good reason and did make the right choice, you have still lost that future and those annoying hormones, habits and instincts still like to kick our evolved ass, - its why your mind keeps coming back to it when you are idle.

Like all things, it takes time. At risk of quoting Big Mouth/ Human Resources "The only way out is through". It can't be avoided or blocked, you just have to take the time to work through it. Im really sorry there's no magic pill (I looked, gaming was a nice distraction) , but I would warn you to be careful with alcohol and drugs - the can make you feel something but puts you on a dangerous path.

[–] ameliorability 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

That first paragraph was a great explanation. Thank you for that perspective there.

It’s kind of weird that first relationships rarely do work out. It’s only the third day now so maybe I should let time do its thing. This will only make me stronger but this does make me afraid of having a relationship in the future! Will not touch any drugs, thanks.

[–] HappycamperNZ 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Hey mate, just going through my account and thought id check in

[–] ameliorability 2 points 1 month ago (1 children)

It's been so long man. But damn I had to struggle, and I am at a better place now. Still a student, but I have grown a lot. Bless you for helping me at a vulnerable time. It still hurts sometime, but I know I have made a lot of progress in positive things.

[–] HappycamperNZ 2 points 1 month ago

Great to hear from you - haven't forgotten and good to know you're kicking ass. People forget that growing is painful, if it wasn't we would have already done it.

Keep at it mate, remember me at your wedding because you're going to get there.

[–] synapse1278 7 points 1 year ago (1 children)

What you are living is completely normal. It takes time to re-devolop your individuality. Give it some time, treat yourself (cook nice things for yourself, go see some friends you didn't see for a while, pick up some hobbies).

[–] ameliorability 1 points 1 year ago

Thank you brother. Am working on things you suggested, but right now I'm thinking as if there is no tomorrow in my life. Finding it weirdly hard to even think of tomorrow, not because I'm thinking of "her", I just get blanked out to my mundane life.

[–] Rednax 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Love, and by extension the relationship that comes with it, trigger the same parts of the brain that addictions do. What you are experiencing sounds like the withdrawal symptoms of that addiction.

They will subside eventually.

The hard part is not replacing your addiction with another one. Or at least not with a bad one.

[–] ameliorability 2 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Thanks, but what do I even think about 😭 before I used to be obsessed with minor things such as random words and calculus problems, during my relationship I felt as if I had nothing to think about and I was fine with it. Now I have a lot of mental entropy. It's vacations so plenty of time to figure out, but man do I feel unproductive at times! Still often get reminded of her but now I am able to put her thought to the side at will.

I really like your perspective.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Find some hobby. Even one is enough but it must something that you find interesting. That will keep your mind entertained and focused so it won't wander around.

[–] ameliorability 1 points 1 year ago

Thanks for the advice. Haven't ever tried to find my hobbies, so I'll get to work. Any suggestions?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Recall what hobbies you had before her. Which hobbies so totally engrossed you that you forgot to eat? I used to play old PC games from the 90s so much that I'd realize I hadn't eaten all day... Those'll give you something to think about.

[–] ameliorability 1 points 1 year ago

Thanks. I'm feeling much better now but will still reply. I tried not to do those things as I was in a dark place and now have to channel my thoughts in a more productive way.. now focusing on family and development more, kind of forcing it. And it helped me a lot though it's far from a perfect journey. Try reading my other comment replies!

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

You need a hobby, other than entertainment. Something physical.

[–] ameliorability 1 points 1 year ago

Trying 😭

[–] _TheNardDog_ 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

My man, as a fella past the mid point of his life who just got contacted by his first love from 3 decades ago, that constant longing you're feeling might be something real. Create some space around yourself and really try to work out how you feel and go from there. I'm filled with regret on the choices made, my advice to you for what it's worth is don't be like me.

[–] ameliorability 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Thank you for the advice brother. I created as much distance i could, and used to think of contacting her again, but forced myself to stick to my decision. It feels like that part of my brain that once used to pulse with love is now turned off. Although I hadn't felt love in a long time in my relationship either. I focused on myself and did professional and personal development. I'm sure I am on the right path right now!

[–] _TheNardDog_ 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Sounds like you’re doing all the right things. Look after yourself and take time to make decisions.

[–] ameliorability 2 points 1 year ago

Thank you for the help brother. I recently had a short dream of her where she tried to be lovey dovey to me but I didn't show love, it's kinda weird but I think that says something lol. Also focusing on family:)

[–] kucuva 0 points 1 year ago

You could be a they or them.