Relationship Advice

tldr: you say it’s getting better but it will probably get worse. Too many 🚩s to me. Cut her loose

🚩” So my gf stalked my ex somehow … She finally told me she found my ex’s yt channel and watched every single thing on there.”

So your current relationship went out of her way to deep dive into your past relationships? For what reason? Were you bragging about her? If not, this is some weird trust issues that your current “partner” has.

🚩” Now for the terrible part, smth i truly did not remember was that me and my ex had made a more personal video which was still saved somewhere on my laptop. I absolutely did not know of this and if I did I woulda gotten rid of it. Now my gf has access to my laptop (with my approval ofc) and she somehow stumbled upon it, I caught her curled up in my bed absolutely bawling her eyes out with the video playing on my desk. I have never felt this disgusting.”

A person digging into your personal items (especially a computer, phone) is unnecessary invasion of privacy. The erosion of trust has existed long before you and your current relationship met.

Your “approval” is only a formality. My bet is that if you didn’t “approve” then she would find a way to get past it.

🚩 “Now for the bad part and I cannot believe Im putting this online, we just had the most disturbing sex ever. It would be normal in any other circumstance but for the fact that it was almost entirely what the video wth my ex was. ”

In her mind, she will never live up to your ex despite you vocalizing the opposite.

Advice: cut her loose. This type of shit never goes away with time. The fact that she is emulating the adult video with your ex means she is competing with her. Despite what you tell her, in her mind she will never be enough. That jealousy never truly goes away. It may eventually turn into resentment or worse.

Hey this is great news.

Is she actually fine now or is there still an issue?

Ok. This is the start of your communication. I think she wanted to "claim" those acts with you. So no she is not fine where you can continue on without addressing it more. I this is the start of communicating about sex, your relationship, and yes the act of copying sex acts. Don't push it, let things settle, but open the conversation about what you're both into and why. I say give it awhile to let her bring it up, but if she doesn't I think you should in maybe a month. It's much healthier to discuss than to not, but this is a delicate topic.

If she initiated these new things, then I think you’re right that she thinks you like them, and doesn’t want to lose you over her not being willing to do them.

First, get things straight in your own head about would you like to have done any of those things with her if you had not seen the video?

Then, once you have an idea about what you like or don’t, tell her something like “hey, while (the things you like) I do like and would like to keep doing, if it’s ok with you, (the things you don’t like) were her idea, and I don’t want you to feel like it’s something we have to do together because it’s not something I particularly enjoy. I much prefer (doing this thing you two did together, that your ex didn’t do).” Even if that thing is just holding hands after or something like that, not necessarily kinky.

The main thing to remember is that you’re her first, so she has no frame of reference to compare you too, whereas you have an ex that she’s worried she’s being compared to.

So just let her know that your happy with how the relationship is, and exactly what you said at the end of your post, that you want to grow together and view this as the relationship of not just your present, but far in the future as well, so she shouldn’t have any concerns.

What was the point of this? The disturbing sex? More insecurity and perhaps a desire to "own" it or an effort to rewrite your history. She makes the most recent memory of doing this stuff with her. This is now the predominant memory when you think about that sex.

Do I bring this up?

Depends, I guess. I'd want to know if she has gotten this out of her system or if this is just the start of it. I can't believe she has just purged her insecurities just like that. Make-up sex is hardly likely to have changed some basic personality flaws. You're hardly likely to get the real answers you want either.

Is she actually fine now or is there still an issue?

I reckon there is still an issue. She might have gotten some of it, much of it, out of her system. But as they say, forewarned is forearmed.

Congtats man! Its probably going to be weird for a bit, but you two got past the worst bit.

She's probably comparing herself to your ex. And perhaps unsure if what she saw is what you want and doesn't know why your relationship is different.

Reassure her. Tell her you love her and there is a reason why you're with her and not your ex. Try and find a way to deal with her feelings together. There is no way for her to 'unsee' that video. But you need to find a way to handle this.

I'd say that video isn't bad per se. It's no secret people had sex with their ex partners. And not every partner needs to look and behave like the partner before. It's just unfortunate she had to watch it. And it's different for both of you. For you it's happened in the past and the video is just a reminder. Your brain processed this a long time ago and sent it to long-term memory. For her it's new information and something that 'happened' just now. At least that's probably how a brain handles new images. She still needs to process it. And in the context of your current relationship.

Be kind to her. She's 0% at fault. Talk and listen. See what's bothering her and what you can do about that. Make sure to also communicate your feelings. For example if she's unsure and having doubts about what each of you likes during sex.

Think about what you want out of that relationship.

And don't give ultimatums when dealing with adults. But that's only my personal opinion.