I had plans to get things done on this day off. Yet I’m exhausted sitting on the couch, one half of my brain is saying it’s ok, it’s self care, I haven’t done this in months. The other half is scolding myself for not getting anything done. 😔
this post was submitted on 04 Sep 2023
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Mental Health
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I agree with the part of you that says it's self-care. We all need downtime, especially if it's been a long time since you've been able to enjoy a whole day or real rest.
Absolutely nothing wrong with chilling on the couch on a day off! But also, doing things can be big for self care too, when the things are important. If it helps to frame it that way. I find the important questions are how urgent something actually is, and how much of a relief it might be for future me if the thing is done. If it can actually wait and I'm just being anxious or self deprecating because of bad habits, then I'll just chill unless I feel up to the task. If doing the task would be self care for my future self, sometimes that framing is just the kind of motivation I needed to get started.
Talking to your future self is a good idea, thank you. 💜
Why not, here's my story:
This year is by far the worst of my life. But before i start this was my life so far:
I'm 37, male and live in Germany. So far my life was a nice life: i worked a lot, made my college degree, studied, finished as master of science in engineering and now i work in a well paid job for the goverment, which i really like. When i started studying i met my third girlfriend which became the love of my life. We've been together for 13 years, 6 of it married. We have two incredible sweet kids, a 5 yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My family owns a small farmstead build in 1845 which a renovated in the last 5 years to a incredible nice and warm home. There my wife started freelancing as a gardener and selling vegetables and fruits at our own farmshop and local farmers markets.
Of course we had our ups and downs as pretty much every couple. But our life was simply great. At least for me...
This year everything went down to shit. In january my wife had a big life-crisis where she decided without any fortelling that she wants a divorce and she's taking the kids and wants to move out. Out of nowhere and there's no talking or whatsoever. Under German law and our special situation this means i lose pretty much all my money, my kids and if she really wants to also my farm which is in my family for generations. And of course the love of my life, for whom i would do anything....
So when it was finally over in April i had suicidal thoughts and spend a week in a mental hospital. I was an really dark place right then.
But this wasn't all: one month later my doctor called that i have a pretty rare kind of skin tumor, which can either be harmless or sure death. At this point i didn't even care any more. But after weeks they found it was the harmless variant. So now there's a huge scar on my shoulder which will remind me of the break-up for the rest of my life...
Again one month after that a friend of mine was driving with my car, got in an accident with my own father in front of my house where both cars were destroyed. So now my insurance company is sueing me of insurance-fraud, even that i didn'd do anything.
Oh, and last Werk my aunt died. The funeral was on saturday with more than 1.000 people.
Oh, and although my life broke up with me in february, she still live's with me, as she didn't learn any well paid job, owns nothing and so can't get a place to live.
So all in all, i'm not far away to completely lose it.... despite having family and friends it slowly gets to mich to bear in just a few months.
Sorry four your loss, while her death may weigh heavy on you please be sure to take care of your self. While we can not control these things what we can do is put energy into the ones we love. As for your tumor what type of cancer is it if you don't mind me asking my grandmother had cancer and it was hard on her but nowadays the treatments have improved much.
Can you elaborate on her reasons for wanting a divorce have you considered meeting with a couples therapist? Sometimes in relationships it's hard to be honest and transparent without a third party looking at the whole picture.
Before going through such a thing just consider or ask her about it. The worse she can say is no. I hope things get better for you.
I had a Spitz Nevis, which has the same appearance as an amelanotic melanoma, which in this stage would most likely have been spread in the whole body.
I've insisted to go to a couples therapist and we did. From the beginning she said she's only here to find out how to best manage the break-up. Nevertheless the therapist was optimistic that we could work this out. But she didn't want to, even after weeks.
I asked her a lot, as i'm a pretty openminded guy who can openly talk about bis feelings, fears and wishes. She is the opposite. The only thing i geht to hear is that she suddenly doesn't love me any more and that she needed more help with the kids. As i said i have to work a lot. From the therapist i got informed, that she never learned to express her real feelings, that she's still a child, which never learned to stand on her own feet and never accomplished anything in her life. And now she wants to grow up and become an adult und be independent. She's 34, but now i understand that he was right...
(CW: SUICIDE) I attempted suicide in 2017 around this time of year. I thought, after surviving, that I would turn things around. That things would get better. Instead they got worse. I'm not suicidal now, but I am more of a mess than ever. My anxiety skyrocketed since. I became much more reserved. I barely recognize myself some days. Metaphorically. I still have my good looks, lmao. Unironically grateful for that, even if no one ever sees me.
In the past few years, I went from independence and living in the same town as my friends, back to living with family in a hometown that I don't want to be in, which has cratered what little pride I had.
But what I miss most of all is being able to take long walks to clear my head. I miss walking without pain. I miss sitting without pain. I miss being awake without pain.
Chronic pain is an absolute bitch to deal with. Sorry you're going through that.
I am doing alright enough. I have begun to get my flow going once more with my schedule, though it has not been easy. It does not help that admittedly I have been dealing more with a lot of my pains than I like to over the past few days, with me having to resort to using my cane a bit around the house and resting so that it relieves the pain and difficulties.