sucide note
My life just hasn’t gone well, I’ve made plan to kill myself on Jan 5th, nothing in the past couple of years has worked out, and I feel like a failure. I’ve tried so many times to remain positive but I’ve always been met with disappointment. And I’m tired of being unhappy I’m gonna try to list most of my disappointments in order to reason than talk a bit about my plan
The beginning is a grew up knowing I was trans, I always related more to the girls and wanted to hang out with them and be one, when I was 14 I realized I was transgender, at 20 I started HRT. My original goal was I was gonna look somewhat like a women at least, none of that happened, I very much still look male. I also went to college and graduated with a degree in computer information systems with honors, I worked tirelessly, now I work at Walmart with zero chance of career advancement, if I miss even one day I’m fired since I’m at 4 points. I had to work though the flu a couple of weeks ago, and very recently I bought a car, I was really happy and excited. Today I realize it has an issue with a break equator which on the 2007 pruis is a total loss.
On top of all of this historically people are only my friend cause they feel bad, they often times have admitted to me they thought I was annoying but thought I was “mentally disabled” I’m autistic and I’ve never really been loved by anyone.
I called my mother and said I wanted to die, but all she did is panic and said if I killed myself over everything in my life I’m stupid, and she would also kill herself. I just feel like nothing in my life has ever worked out. Nothing ever worked out.
My plan now is to clean my room, up to moving out standards, on the day off, im gonna wake up, take a shower, and drive to academy and express interest into a hunting pistol. Im gonna do research into what animal. This is to ensure they don’t get suspicious about me buying a gun and they seem to think I know what I’m doing. Once I’ve secured the gun I’m gonna drive to a parking lot that is empty during the week about 40 minutes outside of downtown, and I will call 911 and explain I found a dead body when asked details I will hang up, and I will pull. The trigger, pointing the gun at the center of my head.
My car, my 6k in debt, and my horrible life is will all be a distant memory. Do I think my roommates might cry and do I think my mother might do it. Yes I’m sorry I’ve tired. My father abused me. My mom depended on me emotionally. I was dealt this hand and I’m guessing the universe doesn’t want me to exist. Maybe in another universe something worked out, I had a life with love and a family. A childhood that was okay. People who liked me. I’m so sorry to everyone who is reading this after the fact..