Let this be a lesson to implement a change freeze 1 week before leaving home for a holiday/trip/etc. π
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Luckily I realized that I could Cloudflare-tunnel my Portainer UI out to a long random-nonsense subdomain name.
That allowed me to fix it (and then immediately kill the tunnel -- not a fan of exposing Portainer to the internet).
Adding this device this also appeared to fix my https://github.com/haugene/docker-transmission-openvpn container that recently died. (And not simply giving it elevated privileges, as was previously recommended)
https://github.com/haugene/docker-transmission-openvpn/issues/2883
It appears that these issues all originate from an update to runc (which is used by containerd): https://github.com/containerd/containerd/issues/11078
Thank you for your sacrifice. It will not be forgotten.
Kind of crazy it wasn't like this from the start.
Luckily my stack is only auto updating every month and only my downloader was impacted by this breaking change.