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Relationship Advice

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How should I handle a partner’s hurtful comments? (programming.dev)
submitted 2 weeks ago by [email protected] to c/relationship_advice
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My (25F) boyfriend (28M) and I have been together for about 6 months, and things have been great overall. Recently, though, when he gets upset, he says things that seem intended to hurt me. It feels like he intentionally picks at things he thinks will get under my skin.

I’ve started to feel anxious about when the next comment will come, and it’s affecting me emotionally. I’m not sure how to address this with him.

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[–] elbucho 43 points 2 weeks ago

Speaking as someone about twice your age, one of the most precious skills I've developed over the years is setting and sticking to boundaries. Being insulted or belittled by someone who wants to consider themselves my partner is a major boundary violation for me. This is the type of thing that I don't give second chances for.

Being hurt by the person you love is something that will happen on occasion. The important thing is intention. If someone I love hurts me because they were careless or in the moment, didn't think their actions through, that's conversation time. If that person hurts me because they are angry at me and have a desire to inflict pain, that's an ending of the relationship.

You deserve to be loved by someone who will not see you as a punching bag. Someone who will lift you up, not tear you down. Your boyfriend deserves to be single until he fully deals with his anger issues.

[–] Doxanarchy 31 points 2 weeks ago

If he's treating you like this only 6 months in, then it's a massive red flag.

[–] [email protected] 20 points 2 weeks ago

A common idea spread by some of the more blatantly misogynistic 'influencers' specifically encourages young men to attack their partners self esteem with just this type of behavior. So, you're absolutely not crazy for being concerned!

You gotta talk to him. And verbal assurances, promises to 'try harder', etc, is not enough. After doing the hard to work to communicate as openly and honestly as you can, you gotta look for actual improvements in behavior.

I wish you the best of luck! But, problems in relationships almost always come back to not communicating effectively.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 2 weeks ago

Setting boundaries with him, and with yourself, to ensure you have an out if he's being hurtful is super important. If you just accept the comments he'll have no reason to stop, especially if the behavior you exhibit afterwards is beneficial to him. An example would be: let him know that when he says hurtful things to you, you won't be engaging with him in that frame of mind and that you will exit the situation until you feel safe and he's able to speak kindly again. Then, the next time he does it, stop him, remind him of that boundary, get up, and exit the situation. If he tries to stop you or gets upset that you have expectations of being treated with respect, I suggest ending the relationship. If he catches himself, realizes when he's getting worked up and tries to stop the behavior once he realizes how it affects you, he's probably a good one.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 2 weeks ago

I would express that I don't like this and stress that this is important to me and he needs to stop it, especially if both of you want to make it a long term relationship.

If not then it probably is time to move on and not lose more time.

[–] colonelp4nic 5 points 2 weeks ago

To answer your question indirectly, I think you need to learn to stand up and protect yourself. Those are skills, and they're learned skills. I'm making big assumptions here, but I'm guessing your parents never taught you good boundary setting. A quote that's gone viral recently is that “[the definitive symptom of childhood trauma is] trying to get a difficult person to be good to us in our adult lives.” You probably don't believe this internally yet, but you deserve to be treated with kindness. Difficult people do not deserve you.

I love this book in particular, and it's widely available for free in libraries. https://www.amazon.com/Set-Boundaries-Find-Peace-Reclaiming/dp/0593192095

[–] Mickey7 3 points 2 weeks ago

Fighting about it or complaining about it is not the right tacit. When you are both in a position to have a serious discussion ask him if he loves you and only wants the best for you. Presuming he says yes, then tell him that you also love him and want the best for him. Then say we are both hurting each other over trivial bullshit when either of us are pissed about something and take it out on each other. I understand if you are having a bad day, but I didn't cause it and actually want to make it better for you

[–] Anticorp 1 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

That's a big red flag. Sorry. But you should explain to him when he's not angry why that is unacceptable behavior. Then you should stick to what you said. It's unacceptable, which means you leave if he starts, and you don't come back until he understands, apologizes, and promises not to do it again. Lifelong habits are hard to break, so he will do it again. But if it's obvious that he doesn't really care, or isn't trying to be better, then you leave for good. Again, sorry.