I guess I will talk about my journey in this first post to help kick things off.
I am 40 years old. I was diagnosed with ADHD and depression when I was 16. Experimenting with cannabis felt exhilarating and by my early 20s I was a daily habitual user. Between the age of about 25 and 35 I was probably sober about two weeks (usually when I am extremely ill I don't like to consume).
I had tried 4 different antidepressants and spoke to as many different psychologists. Nothing seemed to curb the grey bland monotony of life like cannabis did. I realize now that this was because of ADHD rather than clinical depression. At the time there was really awful propaganda against cannabis that was full of lies and it made me into a counter culture person. How could they just talk so much crap?! I was incensed.
Due to my low income and increasing tolerance, I needed to grow my own "medicine" if I was to keep on this path that I had decided was working for me. I learned everything I could about it and took a scientific approach to experiment what works the best by only altering a single variable at a time. Soon enough I had mastered all the basic aspects and I was teaching others. I then got really into genetics and breeding, which still fascinates me today, although not just strictly for cannabis, but for all plants, animals, funguses, bacteria. It was all consuming and fun to have a hobby like this. Perfect for the ADHD mind to grip onto and squeeze the dopamine out of.
Soon I started to feel the downsides of high tolerance and high dosage. I became withdrawn. I had elevated anxiety. I would shut down and become aggressive when my SO would try and have difficult conversations with me. There was a hollow feeling inside that reminded me of depression. I spent all my time playing World of Warcraft.
It was evident that something was wrong. But was it the cannabis or was it just my messed up brain. I didn't try find out.
During the pandemic my partner and I split up after 12 years of cohabiting. They were having their own issues unrelated to my substance abuse. But together it was too much. This was a really big wake up call for me and it prompted a lot of self reflection.
I decided to quit and it lasted 6 months. I had every withdrawal symptom there is. It took about 6 weeks before I started to feel normal again. That was a scary time...
After coming out of withdrawals I had to learn how to deal with irritation and frustration again. These feelings were foreign to me. I had way too much energy and I started jogging. My mind settled and I was able to think more clearly than I had ever in my adult life. I realised the pressure I put on my relationship. I realised the lost opportunities I missed for self improvement and my career. It made me angry at myself for not getting clean sooner. I swore off cannabis and considered it a sneaky backstabbing drug that stole a decade of my life.
Fast forward a bit and the new job I had was not as exciting anymore. The days were more and more grey. No matter how far I ran (even until I puked my guts on the side of the road) I could never get back my feelings of well being and contentment. I started drinking more than usual (I hardly drink). I began to neglect myself again (bad diet, cleanliness, sleep).
Out of frustration I vaped some rosin oil. Almost immediately the colour came back into my life and I felt like depression had lifted. This made me angry and worried that I will always need some chemical to feel OK. I had tried so fucking hard and put so much effort in and was back to square one.
I went back to a psychologist. At the time I hadn't seen one in about 15 years. And I tried Wellbutrin for 3 months. This didn't do it for me. I thought about trying Ritalin again but I couldn't face the side effects of that medication. Lack of appetite, headaches, lack of sleep etc.
Then I thought what if it is just the high dose of cannabis that was messing me up and perhaps if I can maintain a low dose it might work.
And it did work. For a time. But my habit slowly grew again. All the way back to what it was before. About 6 to 8 rice grain size dabs of rosin oil a day. The bad symptoms came back as well.
I felt trapped in this double edged sword situation. My job was going really well and my life was fairly in order barring some lack of self care.
I decided to kick it again for a few months. And this same cycle has repeated itself another 3 times now.
I can see my pattern. I feel better on low dose than on nothing and I feel worse on high dose than on nothing but I can't seem to prevent myself from raising the dose. Forever trapped in this cycle.
Right now I am in the quitting part of my cycle and I haven't used in 3 weeks or so (I don't like to count anymore).
