this post was submitted on 12 Oct 2024
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Joining a support group, not sure what to expect (sh.itjust.works)
submitted 2 months ago by [email protected] to c/autism
13 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

A contact of mine suggested me to join a support group to find people with similar difficulties and talk to them.

I found a group nearby, but I'm a bit reluctant to go. I can feel myself making up excuses as to why it would not be a good idea.

  • I don't feel like it would be helpful.
  • I will feel like they have even more severe issues than me and I can't relate.
  • It's a group with 10 people, so I feel like it's a bit too much for me. I feel like I will just let everybody else talk and be silent like usual.
  • I was a bit sick in the past weekend and I'm worried about making other people sick (even though it's kinda over)

Anybody already went to a support group before, what was your experience?

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[–] [email protected] 14 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Not a support group, but I had many of the same reservations about group therapy. A doc recommended me for IOP and I had no idea how that was supposed to help me. Then I went and it clicked. It wasn't only having others in a similar boat to talk to, it was being able to relate with someone having a hard time with something you were familiar with and be able to help them. It was a very supportive environment, with people giving what they could and getting what they needed.

There are bad groups out there of course. Mid-program I got switched to PHP at another facility (answered a bit too honestly on an assessment) and it was like night and day compared to the first program. It was glorified babysitting. I went back to the first program as soon as I was able (which coincidentally happened just after my official AuDHD diagnoses).

That said, I never would have known unless I tried. A good facilitator will hold space for everyone, and a great facilitator will watch body language and make space for those that look like they may have something to say but aren't able to find the space on their own. 10 sounds like a decent number. Enough that someone will usually have input at any given point, but not so much that people feel left out.

So far as comparing problems, it's not a contest. Everybody's situation could be worse. That doesn't make it any easier for those going through it. I've heard some gut wrenching stories in group. None of that improved my situation... though the mutual support helped all involved.

When it comes to illness... I'm a big supporter of "stay the hell home, I don't want your cooties" lol. If you're legit concerned, try to catch the next group. If you feel mostly okay but are still worried, wear a mask (the physical kind). If you're just using it as an excuse... be honest with yourself. Say "I do not feel comfortable going this time" and own it. Don't beat yourself up. It's a big step, and a new one. Give yourself a little grace.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out. Best of luck!

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Thanks man. Ended up going and it was really nice to share experiences and frustrations. Glad I decided to go.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago

Happy to hear it!

[–] [email protected] 8 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Lower the barrier. Ask if you can join briefly with a video call to get to know the group. Some people will delay reaching out for decades, making their life harder. You can bet that people in the group will even share exactly this feeling and situation with you. If you really believe it might help to reach out, but you're standing in your way, try a smaller step in the direction

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Thanks, I definitely know the feeling of delaying reaching out. I've basically dealt with all my issues on my own in the first 20 years of my life, even didn't really talk to family about it. (didn't really talk in general) And I'm more and more aware of how difficult i've made things for myself by doing that. Not that it's easy, but everytime I talk about it, it's useful in some way.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (1 children)

Absolutely spot on. If you've already delayed a lot, then reduce the pressure on yourself. You already made a huge leap by even accepting that you might need additional support. You don't have to force yourself to now make up for potentially lost time or anything. Take your time to progress at your own pace. If you feel like you're pressuring yourself towards a potential goal, you might set yourself up for failure. Be kind to yourself and don't demand too much.

When you hear people talking openly about emotional challenging situations in their daily life, which you can relate to, but most people in your regular surroundings can not, that can be extremely emotionally relieving to a degree that is impossible to anticipate. It's really worth it. But you want to feel comfortable on your way there. Slow pace is fine as long as you are moving towards your own goals.

Maybe it can also help you if you think differently about your goals. It's not like a sprint in sports. Even if you might think you have to reach certain goals to function in society, and reaching them faster would obviously be better. This is not a competition. You set your own goals for yourself and nobody else sets the rules on how to get there. Your goals are more like a beacon. Even if there are strong headwinds every once in a while, or you take a break and just relax in the sun, you can still clearly see them and continue to steer in their direction, as long as you consider it to be right. You are in control

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I realise that a big part of the difficulties I experienced was because I never really took a moment to sit still and check whether what I was doing made sense. Like, is this actually what I want to do, is this even good for me? (mentally and physically)

I finally got the time to think a bit, and it made so much difference. At the beginning you still feel a lot of pressure from yourself, because obviously there is a financial part to it. But even beyond that, I noticed I always wanted to be doing something productive (Like doing exercise, making better food, learning some skill, etc.)

After a while (and doing a bit more meditation), the perspective started to shift and I started to realise that most things are much more bearable, if not even fun, when you start just taking your time, not rushing yourself, not trying to optimise everything. This applies to work, but also hobbies, like gaming and browsing the internet. Even gaming becomes stressful if you are always looking for the next goal, the next target and your start filling hours upon hours with that activity.

Talking with other people seems to put this into perspective. It's so easy to tell somebody else to not worry about something and take it easy. But then you realise that they could give that same advice to you and it would still apply. Sometimes just acting/talking towards yourself with the same concern and compassion that you show other people (even strangers) can be so helpful.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago

This is spot on. I feel like it's also important to not misunderstand meditation. Nobody is forcing you into a lotus position. Open the windows wide, get naked under 2 blankets, close your eyes as if you were going to sleep, listen to the wind, feel every single sensation on your body, try to focus on YOU and your body. You don't have to try to force yourself to not think, just don't try to solve problems. Try to let these thoughts go. This doesn't mean the problem goes away, but this is not the time. Right now we let it go and try to think of how we're actually on a beach and the wind rushing through the leaves of the trees outside is actually the sound of waves... Or, you know, whatever works for you to ground yourself and have absolutely pure "me time".

If you're asking yourself how that does anything, the idea is that it should help you to detach yourself from coping mechanisms and behavioral patterns that are motivated by external factors, instead of what you truly feel you need. You might start to really crave these relaxation sessions that you designed for yourself. When you are in deep relaxation, you will easily be able to divide the thoughts that are forced onto you from those truly driven by your own internal desire for the happiness that exclusively you imagine to be right, just like the relaxation environment itself.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Ultimately - what do you have to lose?

Realistically, worst case is that you go to it, don't really "click" and learn that it's not for you. I'd recommend just going with an open mind and seeing if it works for you. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't, but then you'll know.

Also - remember that anxiety brain is very good at coming up with excuses for not trying new things. Take everything it says with healthy skeptiscism.

I'm terms of personal experience, I've not been to a support group but I do see a counsellor and honestly it's nice just to talk about things. Talking is an underrated way of resolving issues, imo.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 months ago

Yeah, I very much tend to overthink and think in terms of worst case situations. Strange thing is that, even when I know the worst case is not really an issue, I still feel like it's so hard. Especially in social situations I can never really get rid of that little panic/tension that seems to stay present.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 months ago (1 children)

@melodiousfunk mostly covered it. Just convince yourself to go one time. Be open to the idea that it could help. If it doesn’t, you’ll know that you tried and it didn’t work. If you don’t, you’ll never know if it could have helped.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I actually went today. It was nice. It's surprising how respectful and accommodating everyone was. I've never really experienced something like that with people at work and such.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 months ago

Happy for you that you had a good experience!