I spent 3 hours in nature all by myself yesterday, and I have to say I'm feeling so much better. A nice reminder of how much our artificial world and shitty societal standards affect our mental health. I could just be, walk, sit in the sun, hug a tree. It was beautiful. And even today, my mind is so much calmer. Highly recommend!

Had to put my dog down on the 20th, got laid of the following Friday, struggling to stay above water till my unemployment comes through. But I'm staying strong, made a list of things I need to do to stay active. I know if I sit for too long I'll get depressed and likely go mixed.

Love to this community for all the support you give to the mental heath community

Had a super productive day! Cleaned my apartment, went for a run, listed a ton of things I found in a back alley on FB marketplace, called Mom, and rolled 56 joints, and 10 blunts because a friend gave me 2 large mason jars of weed. I got 2 more private students and paid off a fair amount of my credit card debt.

In the meantime I am feeling the lump in my throat that happens when I'm a month into a relationship. I realized my issue is an avoidant attachment style, and the only way to get through it is being transparent. I'm worried that saying "hey I am feeling huge anxiety about this relationship and where it's going, and that one of us may fully lose interest soon" will roll into to a breakup, but I've learned the anxiety goes when I stop hiding thoughts and feelings. So hope it goes well!

I went to a poetry jam a few nights ago- or rather, I went to the bar and they were doing poetry readings there. It was enjoyable, most were presenting their own work and getting up on stage in front of a couple dozen people despite visible anxiety. It was inspiring:

Just here for a drink

Commotion of poetry

Serendipity

New friends?!

Extra pressure at work the next few months, in the end it’s a good thing, I’m getting trained as a quality auditor. It’s not my main job and I doubt I will get paid more for it here but it opens the door to another career down the road. So there’s that. And then two months to get my renewal credits with the foster parent deal. It’s overwhelming thinking about doing it together and self study is a bitch. I’m fighting off a cold, and my throat is swollen. Just miserable inside and out right now. Thanks for reading. :)

I've been self-medicating to treat my trouble sleeping at night with alcohol for years. Now that I'm in a committed relationship and we live together, I'm finally ready to get sober again (I'm an alcoholic; I can't drink only in moderation).

I've worked out a plan with my doctor: I'll have a week worth of valium in staggering doses to help with withdrawal symptoms. Each time I've done this before (three of them), I either was medicated or unmedicated but always alone. I've proven to myself that I can do this, so I'm not that worried about it. I do worry about how long it'll take to get my sleep schedule under control and what knock-on effects this could create at my job.

One day at a time. The first day of sobriety is on the 20th. Wish me luck.