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is telling your employer you may leave if passive aggressive coworkers don't stop gossiping about you behind your back and gaslighting you a good idea? (linux.community)

submitted 8 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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I always thought of it like this: if a workplace makes you feel devalued or is toxic (gaslighting and ranting about you behind your back), you quietly find new pastures.

Now, however, I think this is the wrong approach: why do I have to accept they bully me? I should defend myself. And doesn't the manager have to make sure a workplace ain't toxic? Instead of quietly looking for a new job next time this happens, wouldn't it be better to confront, document and escalate instead of letting it go? even if HR only exists to protect the company and not me.

If HR and manager do nothing to address the problem, wouldn't it be a better strategy to start working the least possible and let the company fire me, while looking for another job?

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[–] LavaPlanet 3 points 8 months ago

Idea is good, in principal. Can I just offer some thoughts to get things happening smoothly.

Bullying, what type? I can only offer general overall advice without specifics. So I'll offer some food for thought, What if that person is neurodivergent and doesn't understand they're bullying, or coming across too blunt. I would suggest, address the behaviour directly, succinctly and without judgement.

Talk as if they're an alien and don't understand our culture, and you have belief once they understand they will step up. But say it as plainly, in the least amount of words possible. Don't leave room to debate, just straight plain facts. This causes this. Please don't.

Ask how you can help them be more effective in positive engagement.

On a personal note it's always a good idea to listen to the messages your body is giving you, those emotions are a need your body has, it isn't about anyone else, it's about your lived experience and how comfortable you are in your environment. Times you haven't felt safe can be a trigger for you in the future, and then bullies words hurt more. If you feel you have unhealed trauma or a low sense of self and self worth because the world in general has chewed you up, (which it does so often it's almost a universal experience) find and build on yourself in those areas. It doesn't minimise that the bullies are harmful, just utilise their efforts to find places you can up skill and heal, if they are being highlighted for you. They still suck. You just take what they give you and turn it into a tool to build on yourself and build yourself up. Be genuine, curious and open and deep dive on your feelings. Eventually, after studying what's freely available out there and uplevelling your sense of self, you start to see all of the bullies behaviours are entirely about their own broken insides and damage. It's really hard to be upset by words from someone you pity.

Avoiding toxic environments is a better way to live. Finding ways to make that environment non toxic is a good life philosophy. Do your labour laws already have protections built in to protect you from psychological abusive type behaviours in the workplace?