Relationship Advice
Welcome to the Relationship Advice community on Lemmy and Kbin!
The ideal place to ask for help with your relationships: romantic, friendships, we don't know what we are yet, co-workers or just human interactions in general.
Please make sure you read our rules before posting.
Rules:
Rules can be clicked on to be expanded.
1: Treat all users with respect. [!]
The goal of this community is helping OP and readers, not making fun of them. We are an inclusive community, any sort of disrespect towards ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, etc, will not be tolerated.
2: Mark sexual content as NSFW. [!]
Posts containing mentions or descriptions of sexual topics must be tagged as NSFW. This includes descriptions of sexual acts, requests for advice in the bedroom, explicit descriptions of your body and similar content.
3: All posts must be a request for advice.
All posts must be phrased as a request for advice or as a question. Sharing of stories, personal anecdotes, or past mistakes are only allowed if they're followed by a clear and relevant request for advice with the situation.
4: Provide sufficient and relevant information.
Your title and body need to contain enough information relevant to your situation, such as ages, genders, and the relationship between people mentioned. For privacy-related concerns, we recommend using fake names and broad general locations.
5: Comments must be on topic and relevant to OP.
Comments must be directly related to helping OP, asking for more information, providing relevant resources or otherwise relevant to the thread. Off-topic comments and remarks, suspicious attempts at gathering personal data from OP or other readers, or bullying will not be tolerated.
6: This is a community for requesting advice, not moral judgement.
Moral judgements, "AITA?" and other similar questions are better served by different communities.
Reddit reposts are allowed.
As a temporary measure and the result of a poll, Reddit reposts are allowed following an expanded set of rules: https://lemmy.world/post/317115
How are rules enforced and bans applied?
For the most part, this community operates under the assumption that users are acting in good faith and should be given second-chances for their mistakes. Posts and comments with very light rule violations, or otherwise undesired but mostly harmless content, can be removed by a moderator on a case by case basis without any further punitive actions.
For violations of our rules, we follow a “3 strike” system as follows:
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1st violation: 72 hours ban + moderator warning via PMs.
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2nd violation: 1 week ~ 1 month ban + final warning via PMs.
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3rd violation: 1 month ~ permanent ban.
The goal of this system is making sure users are made aware of their behavior before being permanently banned, but also protecting the community from any rule violations.
Exceptions:
While the “3 strike” system will be applied to the majority of situations, rules marked with a [!] in the sidebar signifies a rule that, if violated in an intentional, malicious or significant way, can warrant an immediate permanent ban regardless of the number of previous violations. This includes severe disrespect to users or groups, dangerous content, and similar.
Related communities:
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Adulting: [email protected]
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No Stupid Questions: [email protected]
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Mental Health [email protected]
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Something I learned along the way: doesn't matter what you call it or what semantics are used, if it crosses your boundaries and makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to voice your concern and set boundaries and expectations about the behavior going forward. Don't frame it as a "you need to stop doing x" but rather as "I'm not comfortable with a partner who engages in X. If you can't respect my boundaries then we may want to go our separate ways." If your partner cannot respect you enough to change their behavior even though you've communicated that it makes you uncomfortable and unhappy, then find another partner love. Life is too short to be with people who don't respect you on the basic level as a human being.
Bottom line: if you're not ok with it, a good partner would stop engaging in the behavior (assuming of course that the request isn't born out of mental health/irrational thought or they can produce a compelling reason as to why their need to continue engaging in the behavior supercedes your right to set boundaries).
Thanks for your write up. I get the sense that you have a lot more experience and maturity in relationships than I do. I think where I'm struggling is that he keeps saying that it meant nothing and my concerns are valid and he won't do it again, but I hang onto the fact that it shouldn't have happened in the first place. Like I've never sent nudes to someone unless we were in a relationship but to him that's just playful innocent fun. I think it's coming down to a difference of underlying moral character, and so I find it very hard to believe him when he says it won't happen again. Because tbh this happened 3 years ago and he swore repeatedly that it wasn't happening, that he didn't have time or energy for that, but in fact he was in a full blown relationship with another man even if they never met in person. I just feel so stupid.
You aren't stupid. Someone used your love and emotions against you and violated your trust and then continued to abuse it. You are guilty only of seeing the best in someone you care for. But don't feel down. Some people aren't right for others and why settle for someone who either doesn't care about your feelings or who is deliberately doing these things? You deserve a partner that treats you like a partner and can understand and value your boundaries.
Thank you. I do deserve those things.
I've been on both sides of it, as much as I hate to admit that. I can't tell you anything that will stop your immediate hurt or pain, nor give you an answer on what you should do. Ultimately you are the only one who can decide where you go from here.
I will observe, however, that your trust in this person seems to be fractured (both due to this incident and past incidents), and that's not something that can easily be overcome. It can be overcome, but it requires intentional and ongoing work by both parties, as well as a lot of time. And even then, things won't ever be the same (that's not to say they can't be good or that they'll be bad, they'll just be different).
Along with this, there seems to be an acknowledgment on your part that your partner's character is likewise not up to par (regardless of whether or not this was to happen again), which is something not to be brushed off lightly if this is an important quality in a partner for you.
At the end of the day, only you know what the best answer is for you. There should be no shame or fear regardless of what you end up choosing, though it's natural to feel that way at first when confronting the decision(s). You're human, though, and caught in a really shitty situation. Give yourself grace and space. Don't feel pressured to make up your mind or make a decision on anyone's timeline but yours. This person broke your trust multiple times and if they can't handle your decision or try to make you feel guilty for how you process (so long as you're not being harmful or destructive of course), then that should be an answer in and of itself imo.
Good luck and feel free to ping anytime to chat. I'm sorry you're going through this now, but this too will pass.