alcoholism

I was never an alcoholic. I quit my job due to stress and not fitting in and then COVID started soon after. I also started Lexapro around this time. I drank more regularly after this but not as an alcoholic imo. Lexapro was definitely part of drinking more... Alcohol was different after going on it.

During this time I got sucked into politics and watching the protests live. For once in my life I thought something good was going to happen for society. Even though I don't really support organized groups I thought something positive would come from everything in the end and for both sides even. Well it didn't. Without details... One night I got drunk and upset some people. And my life hasn't been the same since. I wish I could express how fucked up my life is. But I can't, I have to internalize all of it. So that, along with PTSD from certain experiences that came along with it... Getting drunk was the only thing that.. idk... That let me escape how fucked up my life is.

And here I am today. I am off Lexapro now and that made a big difference in my frequency and amount of alcohol I drink. But what didn't go away is when I drink ...like to have a good time... I basically don't stop.

In my life I get antagonized and poked till I react. And when this happens or I have a trigger or flash back of things that have happened things get ugly. Ive gone to jail for a fight. I've crashed my car. Some other wild experiences I'm not going to get into. Tbh I've seen worse drunks though.

I don't want to quit drinking. One day it will probably be my way out of life. Quitting drinking isn't going to stop my circumstances. It's not going fix my neurodivergence and lack of life skills. The only thing that could have fixed my life is having good people in it. But my life isn't fixable anymore. I literally can't fix myself to save life. My options are to be homeless, or kms. And I postpone that choice by drinking.