this post was submitted on 13 Nov 2023
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Wouldn't that end up with a kid who values nothing, not even their own life?
My mom used a similar technique to get me to do what she wants me to do, and I ended up, well, the way I am right now. I hide a lot of things from her, and if necessary, only pretend to show interest in things I don't give a damn about just to have a semblance of a personality. Worse, even if I die right after this comment, I wouldn't mind one bit.
Naw sounds more like it would teach them consequences for their actions while reminding them privileges are not a given. Your mom may have just taken it too far too many times. Or maybe you were a slow learner, who knows.
Fair enough.
My mom had been emotionally manipulative that it instilled in me that showing affection in anything will result in that thing being used against me. If that's not enough, she mocks me for the things I've shown interest on, usually telling me it's "useless" or "a hindrance". Later on, I learnt to fake emotion and attachment to things that I could very well afford losing. Moreover, if I can lose everything and anything I love at any moment, there's really no use being attached to anything.
Anyways, I was ready to acknowledge that it's but one aspect of parenting. Parenting is hard, having seen my parents deal with us siblings, and then seeing my siblings deal with their own children. Parents (as a rule) try their best to raise their children in the best way they know how, for better or for worse. And even if my mom did gave me this trauma I've given up in dealing with (long story), I still love her.
So rather than taking the lesson that you shouldn't behave in destructive ways, your reaction was to hide what you enjoy so she couldn't punish you by depriving you of those things? That's... I'm not qualified to say what that is, but it's not a great approach. I'm sorry that you don't value your own life. It sounds like you could benefit immensely from counseling or professional psychiatric help. Don't think of asking for help as weakness, it takes a lot of strength to admit we don't have the answers and need help.
The thing is, there was no explanation, nor an attempt at it. Parents back in my generation weren't supposed to.
Parenting style where I grew up tend to be "don't explain, don't let your children ask, have them just follow." Corporal punishment is also normal, with being hit by clothes hangers, belts, or really, whatever they can get hands on. If that's not enough, we are asked to "meditate and discover what actually went wrong" while kneeling on (sea) salt for at least fifteen minutes.
In one occasion, I was lasooed on the neck by a belt and having my face hit by the belt buckle. Of course, it was my fault, no questions asked. There was no explanation, and I was left alone in a room to recuperate.
Oh, did I even explain that I eventually learned (quite early on, actually) that I shouldn't behave in "destructive ways"? Quite early on, as far as I remember, well, at least while my mom's around. Again, I should emphasize this: there was no explanation, no attempt to, they weren't supposed to.
And oh, counseling? Professional psychiatric help? Not a thing that is affordable where I live. Not America, but might as well be a cheap clone of it.
That's awful. My best friend when I was a kid was subjected to much of the same thing by his mother. He said it was normal in black households. I had other black friends, but I only ever stayed the night at his house, so I can't substantiate his claim. Pretty much every time I was there his mother beat the shit out of him for some petty thing. It didn't seem normal. My mom spanked us, but his mom straight-up beat him.
There are online mental health groups, but idk if they're helpful or toxic. My guess is that they're probably toxic. For me personally, deciding to leave the past in the past, and be myself in the present, is what helped the most with childhood trauma. I hope you can find whatever works for you.
Thank you. I've come to more or less a similar conclusion with regards to my issues. I'll deal with what I can deal with, with what I have, but for everything else, I'll just leave it be, hopefully in the past.
Just as a note, I don't consider myself as having undergone the so-called Asian parenting, with parents employing not just corporal punishment, but also emotional blackmail to get their children to achieve academically, and save their faces; but I think it's the best word to describe what I've gone through. However, my siblings turned out alright (hopefully). I guess I might have gone relatively unscathed had some things in my teenage years have gone differently.