Asklemmy

I can be manipulative to people close to me.

Via emotional blackmail, and going as far as being outright insulting and abusive to people the closer they get to me. I use it like a test of their loyalty to me. If they pass I up the amount of abusive manipulation.

I treat people as either Angels or Demons. There's no in-between. I treat you like shit and you call me out? You're fucking DEAD to me and I will scorch earth you're existence from my life. Say sorry the next day? I'll put myself into debt buying you gifts and days out.

I know the bad things I do are wrong and I HATE doing them. It's a compulsion. I "cut my nose off to spite my face" as they say.

I used to self harm and send pics of the wounds to people close to me for attention. I once told my mother I wished I was aborted and demanded she choose her favourite leg gash from a set or I'd do more cuts.

You may assume from this comment I'm a teenage girl...?

I'm not. I'm a middle-aged man who now has no friends (go figure). I was diagnosed with EUPD/BPD about 6yrs ago and still struggle to get over these 'dark qualities'. Most of the above has been done right up into my mid-30s. At 40 I'm now 100% alone with my former dealer being the closest thing to a friend I can point to.

However, I've quit meth and have to become 'normal' and learn to treat people better. Well, I know HOW to and I've even had therapy on managing my emotions. However, I'm literally petrified of making any close friends because of what I've been like in the past. I don't want to inflict myself on people.