The Onion

All the hope that New York Jets fans had for this year vanished within minutes of Aaron Rodgers’ first game as their new quarterback, when he left the field with a season-ending injury. Now, as if that weren’t reason enough to doubt the Jets’ playoff chances, things just got much more dire for the team: The New York Jets are currently trapped in the same Thai cave all those soccer players had to be rescued from in 2018.

Oof…this is truly a nightmare scenario for Jets fans.

In a press conference this morning, Head Coach Robert Saleh announced that the Jets’ entire 53-man roster is presently stuck 2.5 miles deep inside Tham Luang Nang Non—the same north Thailand cave system a youth soccer team was famously rescued from several years ago. Saleh personally took responsibility for his players getting stranded deep inside the cave as the result of a “team-building activity gone wrong,” but was confident that the team could all be rescued and back on the field within 14-20 days. Needless to say, with the cave’s oxygen levels depleting and water levels rising, this new hurdle doesn’t bode well for the Jets’ showdown against the New England Patriots this upcoming Sunday.

“Our guys are tough, they can overcome anything the cave throws at them, so for now, we’re just taking it day by day, and not making any calls before we’re able to establish communication with them. Rescuers are running a telephone wire through the cave as I speak,” Saleh continued, assuring fans that star players like Sauce Gardner and Garrett Wilson were being attended to by the best cave divers the Jets’ organization has to offer. “You know, going into this season, we knew there were going to be challenges, and getting 53 large athletes in full gear out of an underwater cave system, through extremely narrow passages, in almost total darkness, that’s definitely become one of them, and hey, we just have to deal with it. We’re fighters. Anyone writing us off because of losing Aaron, or because of this Thailand cave situation, is going to be surprised once we’re back out there, playing our hearts out.”

Wow. If you didn’t believe the Jets were cursed before, you probably do now.

Well, this season certainly isn’t going the way Jets fans had hoped. Unfortunately, Vegas odds now say the team’s likelihood of making it to the Super Bowl is 800-1, with their odds of dying in the cave now 14-1. To put that in perspective, their odds of dying in a cave before the season was only 90-1. Yikes. Whether this season is a total wash remains to be seen, but it does not look good. Not at all.