this post was submitted on 16 Sep 2023
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My only take on the pronoun thing is please don't get mad at me and go into lecture mode if I forget your preferred pronouns for a second. It's essentially muscle memory, and I will already feel bad about it just by your facial expression from the mistake.
People generally shouldn't get mad as long as you're behaving in good faith. It's like accidentally calling someone by the wrong name, you just apologise and correct your mistake.
Trans and non-binary people often get portrayed as if they're monsters, but most are reasonable people who can understand mistakes and are capable of accepting apologies.
The more I think about all of this, the more rude I find even using pronouns instead of their name in general... are there certain sayings in English that generally require defaulting to pronouns? I am having a hard time coming up with many.
(Yes I am aware of the fact I used a pronoun to type this, but it's not directed to a specific audience)
Generally speaking, it's awkward in English (or even weird) to constantly use the Proper Noun every single time you refer to a person.
Simplest example is "Jim got into his car". "Jim got into Jim's car" is strange. And that's within a single sentence. Properly in English, we use gendered pronouns for all unambiguous references to a person several sentences in a row. For example:
"Jim got into his car. He turned it on, and hit the gas. When he saw a red light, he stopped quickly. Jim got impatient, and honked on the horn". That would be entirely proper, and virtually none of those pronouns should be replaced with Jim's proper name.
Thank you. This explained how pronouns would be used, at first I always imagined you would be taking to "jim", bur after reading I could see where you may be telling a story about "Jim" to others as a third party. I know that sounds dumb, but I never claimed to be smart.
I appreciate you taking the effort to comment instead of just downvoting like some others.
Not a problem. People don't usually think about pronouns. We could circumvent a lot of confusion if there were an agreeable gender-neutral pronoun in English... But people have gone back and forth about the only one we have ("they") enough that it rubs both sides wrong. Gendering a person in a sentence rarely disambiguates... it only maters if you have a conversation with exactly 1 male and female subject and ZERO genderable objects.
A man and a woman sitting in a boat, for example, and "her" still might be ambiguous.
Personally, it's nbd when people slip up - especially people who've known me for a very long time pre-transition. Oftentimes they correct themselves, and I usually feel worse that they feel bad about it. It's pretty easy to tell when it's intentional or not, and I reserve my ire for people who clearly mean disrespect.
Though, I should say, that's now - early on in transition, it was certainly a bit harder to take. It reminded me of very fresh family abandonment and abuse over my identity. That's not on the people who accidentally called me by the wrong pronoun, but it certainly could put me in a pretty bad place and I'm sure I wasn't the friendliest in those moments. The more that trans folks are supported by their friends and family, the more secure they feel and the less likely they are to react strongly to being accidentally misgendered, imo.
But what the anti-trans people tend to miss when making the "offended every mis-gender" is the wide gulf of difference between being hurt and being offended. I've known people in Emergency Services who had PTSD triggered by off-color comments that reminded them of something they lived through (things like "he'll have your head for this"... you can imagine why).
They weren't offended by those off-color comments. They were hurt. And those of us who care about them are careful not to say things that hurt those we love. But if we do slip up, we know and they know that it wasn't out of malice, and nobody is offended.
...except the people who want to call you by your deadname because hurting you makes them feel good. They are offended, and they want to hurt you. And nobody should be making excuses for them. Dozens of people here are, and that's a shame.
Well said. We'd be so much better off if people generally had a better understanding of (c)PTSD. Everyone has a responsibility for how they act, but maladaptation is a hell of a thing and takes lots of time to address, especially when people know these triggers and weaponize them because they want to see you hurt.
No one gets upset if you forget for a second. That's not real.