shitposting

Nah it's ok. I was raised Southern Baptist so I was taught some really fucked up shit.

For instance, the story of Ham. Ham was Noah's only dark-skinned child. He beheld his father Noah naked, thusly condemning black folk to an eternity of divine punishment and slavery.

I am not joking.

Otherwise, a lot of the popular ideas surrounding heaven and hell are noncanonical anyway. The devil (or "the adversary") is not described as having horns or cloven feet, there are no "circles of hell" (that comes from Dante), etc. etc. I prefer a more epic story for sure, and were I a Christian I'd probably be more attracted to Christian mysticism and integration of non-canon scripture into my beliefs anyway, like the Book of Judas.

The war in heaven is most incredibly described, as I've recommended elsewhere in this thread, in Anatole France's Revolt of the Angels. Lucifer is shown not to be a villain, but a revolutionary who kicks it with Russian anarchists and nihilists. He wants to introduce science to heaven, as he had introduced humans to science millennium prior.