Hi, girls! I have been wanting to make a post for a few days, and just need to get some things off my chest. I think I might be somewhere on the autism spectrum, and it's kinda hard getting my thoughts into a coherent order, but I'm gonna try.
Three days ago, I officially started my journey. I thought I was gonna start with crossdressing and go from there, but I'm fooling myself. I came out to my wife and children, which was both easy and hard.
Easy, because two of my children are NB and transgender.
Hard, because first, being yourself is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and second, my wife has always described herself as straight.
She has been extremely supportive. She's letting me wear some of her leggings that don't fit her any more, but fit me comfortably, and in ways I'd almost like. (It hugs my butt really well, but I don't have hips)
She's given me tips for shaving my legs, and has offered to help me learn how to do makeup and my nails, but she is struggling.
And it's a lot, for both of us. I love shaving my legs. I hate shaving my chest and face. And I think I realized, as I shaved my chest for the first time, I hate shaving my face, and now my chest, cuz it's in my way from looking as girly as I want. I hate shaving my face and chest because I have to to present as feminine, but I like shaving my legs because I get to and it makes me feel feminine. Gotta say tho, I (mostly) love the results from shaving my chest and belly. It feels really good(except for the stubble on my chest/breasts)
I've doven headlong into my transgender journey. Shaving my legs, butt, and chest. Wearing women's clothes at least in the yard of our apartment, kinda in public. I do throw jeans over my leggings when I go to the store and the like, cuz I'm still not completely socially out yet, but we are moving soon, and I feel like, maybe, in a new place, I can girlmode all the time? I don't have to worry about my conservative parents or siblings causing me hell because Jerry saw me at Walmart, and it getting back to mom when she goes to church.
I've also been looking for packing underwear and breast plates or breast forms, but I like doing my shopping in person. It's different seeing a picture on the screen and looking at it in person, even if it is through packaging.
I am worried though. My brain is screaming it wants female hormones. I hate all this body hair. I want full breasts of my own, not ones I have to wear. But I've read my sexuality my change. I don't want that. I love her very, very much. And, please don't hate on her, but the one thing she doesn't want me to get rid of is my penis, which is fine by me. I like sex. I like sex with her. But if I start hormones, there is a very real possibility that the sexual dynamic will change. I've read penetrative sex could be uncomfortable, as your sensitivity and the thickness of your skin changes. But! Getting rid of random erections sounds so great! But! If you don't "exercise" your organ, it could atrophy, possibly becoming nigh useless.
All this is a lot. I'm scared. I'm excited. My wife says that this is the happiest she has ever seen me. Ever. In our nearly twenty years of relationship, nearly 18 years of marriage.
Anyways, thanks for coming to my TED Talk. -VA
TL;DR: I'm transing my gender, and I'm scared and excited
I want to firstly say that hormones changing your sexuality doesn't happen, at least not in the cause and effect way presented there. Hormones can make you reexamine yourself and who you are and how you feel about pretty much everything in your entire life. I'm not exaggerating when I say that going on hormones was a crossroads moment of my life and that nothing about me or my life has ever been the same.
I wasn't sexually active for over 2 and a half years on hormones. Occasionally I did things by myself, but I never fully lost function. It can happen to anyone, but for me at least while I still had a penis it always remained relatively functional. From the trans women I know, its uncommon to lose function to the point of not being able to use it at all. Your testicles and penis will shrink, the former more than the latter but both will become smaller to a point.
I'm really happy for you, that your wife and your children are accepting of your identity as a woman (or NB) and are willing to support you in your transition. I'll say this just once, but you need to assess transition and you relationship both together and separately. You are the only person who has to wake up in your body every single day. No one else has to be you, so your feelings towards your body should always come first and foremost. Your wife and you may benefit from counseling with an LGBT positive counselor to try and work through this. I know you love your wife very much and may not feel that you need counseling, but I cant say enough how beneficial counseling can be for couples where one or both partners are undergoing transition. Continue to talk with your children as well, they more than anyone else will have feelings that are so important for you to listen to through this. You sound like a wonderful mom, and I'm sure your children are incredibly happy to have someone so accepting as their mom.
Moving might make sense depending on just how bad the area you live in is. Trans accepting communities do exist and its worth it to live in one.
All in all though you sound like you have the right attitude and perspective to have through this. Try everything girly you've ever wanted to try, accept yourself for who you are and spend lots of time experiencing your own gender for the first real time. :)
Yeah, I did a bit of "light" reading yesterday and binged the Gender Dysphoria Bible over a few hours, and, hoo, boy! So many things clicked into place. The lingering thoughts of wanting to be a girl, reading into occult and sex magic, and literally praying to Athena and Aphrodite to change me (God, teenage me, what more of a sign do you need), me casually wanting to, but never being able to try on girl clothes, due to growing up south of the bible belt. And more recently, me coming out as bi semi-publicly (not to previously mentioned bible thumpers though.) Me having more than a casual interest in Targets pride wear (that I missed out on cuz I'm too chicken shit). The thoughts flooding back lately about how I always wanted to be a girl.
It's a lot for us all to process, but I've literally waited all my life for this. I was folding laundry just now. Looking at my clothes in disgust. Thinking about asking my daughter to borrow a pair of capris. I always hated clothing shopping cuz there was nothing for me. I kinda want my wife to take me clothes shopping, to get clothes I want, but I'm scared.
I'm scared I'm gonna go too far, and scare her away
I'm scared I'm gonna go too far and fall back into being a boy again.
I'm scared some bigot is gonna say something and crush me.
I'm scared of thinking I want to be a boy again, of being afraid to be a girl.
It's safe being gender normative. It's freeing being me. I don't wanna go back to that cell. I'm scared.
Sorry for venting on you. I just have so much to say, and I don't know how to say it, and I have nothing to say, and I'm scared to say it, and I'm scared to leave it bottled. The anonymity feels safe here. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to turn this into a blog post
Thank you. You are loved.
Please take my internet bear hug.
Just want to send you good vibes from an internet stranger that is also recently starting my own nb (would also say transfem) journey. Stay strong.
Must say it is still a bit weird seeing others' stories and seeing similar points in my past. Guess I am not the only one who wasn't that great at reading ourselves.