Stop Drinking

day 8, still in ptsd rehab land so trigger warning trauma I won't go into detail but okie dokie buckle up gang today was ROUGH. I've been up since 3am and so was chris, a combat vet, 14 years of service seen all kinds of horrible horrible things. we sat and drank coffee and talked guns and combat all morning, he felt he could open up to me cause he lives and breathes music, always got headphones in, and yesterday I found the ward guitar I was literally unable to put it down I played all day after not playing for over a year, anyway he really enjoyed it and thanked me because he was having a prick of a day and my guitar playing really cooled him off which, made me feel incredible and overwhelmed I've only ever played for myself I never thought I could help anyone with it, that alone made me cry. anyway after he shared a very fucked up story, friendly helicopter crash, 7 deaths 10m away from him, I said "holy shit dude I met the devil when I was a child but you have been through hell and back", he said something along the lines of "don't ever say that, trauma is trauma (he put his hand on my heart) it's about what's in here and what we do next that counts" which was so validating and I just fucking crumbled guys like found a quiet spot and just bawled my eyes out realising how much work I've gotta do because I've been avoiding it for the last 15 years getting blind every day, it didn't take long for michael and the nurses to find me, into the consult room with a psyche, we talked and I forgot/relearned the golden rule of not comparing trauma. went for a long walk chainsmoking found a secluded area way up the back of the carpark and screamed FUUUUUCK as loud as I could a few times, people heard but I didn't care. i saw an empty beer bottle in the long grass and I instantly took a step towards it to check if there was any left and stopped myself almost instantly which is FANTASTIC FUCK YEAH cause yucky, anyway I smoked all my cigs and went back to the ward, stood in the hot shower for about half an hour, made a coffee, got some nicotine gum and 10mg diazepam from the nurses and found another quiet secluded corner to watch the rain coming over the mountains (the view here is phenomenal) and just cried thinking about how much hard work ive gotta do, I hear footsteps so I huddle up further so I don't get seen, the footsteps stop, I start to panic and then I just hear the gnarliest loudest wet fart ive ever heard in my life and I absolutely lost my shit laughing, said fucking NICE and I just hear this deadpan flat

"thanks"

which made me laugh so much harder im losing my shit laughing just writing this omg. rollercoaster day. im ok now much calmer and fresh cigs.

im learning so much and finally having emotions that aren't just, fury, sickness and occasional ecstasy of using.

ward AA tonight, the old chair quit and won't be attending because he interrupted a share and she stormed out in tears which pissed everyone off so we lost two members which is devastating cause the program has really helped me and I want it to help others but there's no changing their minds.

hope we all have a great day, lots of love and take care of ourselves ❤️