ADHD

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rejection anxiety and real pain (self.adhd)

submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by Mighty to c/adhd

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Hey there. I am incredibly sad, downright depressed and mentally exhausted.

I wanted to celebrate my birthday yesterday for the first time (maybe ever?) with lots of nice people. I invited about 30-50 people. Some, I invited personally, some just casually through groups. Lots of those people I thought of as somehow close and friendly.

I exhausted myself in the effort of preparing the party, I rented a room, I prepared photos, activities, food, music, and just put a lot of mental energy into the planning. I have been planning it for about 2 months, invited those who were most important to me back then even.

5 people showed up.

I am devastated. I was always so anxious about my birthday and never celebrated it. I think I removed myself from groups a lot in my life. And only the last two years, I've started to understand my diagnosis and how to communicate with people. This throws all my anxiety and pain back into my body and brain.

I don't know how to deal with it. Especially I don't know how to interact with the people that were important to me and who didn't show (or those who didn't even cancel). My past behaviour was burning down all the bridges. I don't think I should do that. But I also don't know how to pretend like it doesn't hurt....

Any advice about rejection anxiety and ... well, real rejection?

Thank you.

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[–] LeftRedditOnJul1 7 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I feel your pain. I've been there for sure, and I simetimes I get pretty sad/sensitive around my birthday because I've had many plans fall through. Reading this thread, I never realized before that this was such a common ADHD experience.

What's helped me a little bit is to plan smaller, but more frequent, things with just a few friends. It still doesn't really fill the longing for a great big party for me, but I've had better luck with people committing to show up when they know they'll only be one of 2-5. For example, how would you feel about having a few separate simple dinners with friends in the week of your birthday? As well, I've started insisting on potluck style if I ever do plan a larger thing. So much less headache around planning and quantities.

As for what to say to your friends... I get the awkwardness. I'd probably say something like "a bit smaller than expected, sadly", try to keep the tone neutral and quickly change the subject. I wouldn't want to lie, but there's also no use getting into all of it with someone who didn't show up. That would just bring up a lot of resentment and end up ugly for me.

All the best for your belated birthday, and I hope the next one is better for you.

[–] Mighty 3 points 1 month ago

Yeah thanks for the advice and the wishes. I think you're exactly right about how those conversations could turn out. So I guess something uncommitting like you suggested is a good start ...

I like the idea with the smaller dinners. Sadly, people don't come around my place. It's a bit out of the way. And I thought the "bigger" plans are exactly good for the kind of conversations where you aren't too close with the people and you can get closer with them. In a café/restaurant/bar/living room setting, you have to do small talk...