I'm sorry if this is the wrong community for this, my problem is prob more from BPD or some other mental illness I have than directly autism, though depression and anxiety are common in autistic people. I posted in a BPD community but it's pretty dead, I hope this isn't too off topic for here, I just really need some advice on this and Idk who to ask besides my therapist.
My intrusive thoughts and mental state in general are a lot better now that I've had therapy and antidepressants for a few years, but one issue I still really struggle with is revisiting times when someone hurt me, intentionally or not, even if it's a resolved situation I'm not still mad about, and getting mad about it again.
Below are two examples, you don't need to read them but it might help explain my problem.
I did this a few months ago and drove away my fiance over a small mess she made in my place. She made it as a trauma response, we had a wonderful conversation about it after and I wasn't upset at her at all. But I managed to make it a huge deal in my head later, and since she'd said before she wants me to clean my space better or let her help clean, I thought she was a hypocritical asshole. I verbally abused her over text and made an ultimatum, saying she had to apologize for it or I wouldn't talk to her anymore. She left, blocked me on everything, and the engagement is off. We exchanged letters recently, and at least maybe we can still be friends again some day.
A more recent example is with my dad. I was trying to quit cigarettes and take a break from weed, so I asked him to hold onto my ID so I wouldn't be tempted to get any since I'm kinda addicted and can't control myself when I can get a fix. We went out and about for a doctor's appointment next to a dispensary, and I was gonna be super proud of myself for not having gotten anything there. But my dad thought I might wanna get some weed, so he brought my ID. While he was getting weed, I spent 15 minutes wailing and trying to resist getting stuff, but I caved and got weed and cigs. I still feel really ashamed about my lack of self control, and I think that event really fucked with my mindset about quitting and made it a lot harder to try again. I don't want to be mad at him, and I've already talked to him about it, but I'm trying to quit again, and I already struggle a lot more with intrusive thoughts like that while sober, but I'm having a really hard time not protecting my shame onto him. I don't want to talk to him about it again, i think he already feels really guilty for sabotaging my quit and I don't want to drag that back up.
Talking to the people I'm mad at about it can make me less upset, but I can't just bring up old shit like that every time my brain makes me upset about it. With my fiance I should've just talked to her about how I felt and we could've worked through it together, but that isn't the solution to most things like this, esp when they're already resolved issues.
Tl;Dr I sometimes dredge up old memories of others hurting me and make myself upset about them again, and I really need a healthy way to deal with them other than just bottling it up or talking to them about it every time
I'm just in such a deep fucking rut and it's so hard to do anything to get out, i don't want to be like this, I just want to have a job and not treat my friends and family like shit. It's so fucking hard when every time I try to smoke less weed I get convinced that the people I love are assholes or don't care about me. I'd love to hear any advice you have, I'm sorry I assumed the worst of you and treated you like shit
When you try to cut down on weed, you're experiencing increased irritability due to withdrawal symptoms. Other symptoms of withdrawal include insomnia, anxiety, and headaches. If you want to get a handle on all this, I strongly recommend you try to stop the cannabis entirely. Try to stop for an entire month to get well past any withdrawal symptoms and see how you feel. You can always pick it up again later if you decide to, but you need to find yourself without it before you make that decision.
Second, maybe consider finding a psychotherapist who specializes in dialectical behavior therapy. DBT will help you learn skills relating to emotional regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and mindfulness (living in the present rather than rehashing the past), all of which are issues you describe having problems with.
If you do DBT, you have to show up for it. You don't roll your eyes, or say "this is stupid," you do the work step by step until it's done, and what you've learned and practiced by the end can help you change your life. Good luck to you and don't hesitate to ask more questions