Hey all, I hope this post is okay
I'm currently going through a very high anxiety moment and have been having panic attacks all weekend. I'm still in one.
I've got a doctor appointment scheduled for next week, but I need some encouragement and advice to calm things down right now.
I have avoidant anxiety. When I was a student and I started having panic attacks for the first time. I couldn't force myself out of the house and stopped showing up at work and got myself fired and failed out of my classes. It took me years to recover.
I found a therapist privately back then and did CBT and it helped make things manageable enough that for years things were okay. She's no longer working, and I specifically avoided drugs then but I think that was a mistake.
I've been working for over a decade and have been carefully managing my anxiety with only a couple incidents. I worked in small companies, then did independent contracting, but now I've been in corporate jobs since COVID.
The last couple years I've been really struggling with my anxiety. As soon as everyone started doing mass layoffs and tightening the belt I've been struggling hard. The last few months it's gotten exponentially wise, and it's beyond my ability to manage.
I can't focus anymore, sitting at my desk gives me a panic attack every day, then I fail to meet my deadlines, so I stay up all night pushing myself, which boosts my anxiety.
I feel like I'm on a treadmill running full speed, but I'm tired, I can't breath anymore, I have that feeling if I run anymore my legs will collapse. But I'm on a treadmill, if I fall I get wrangled and crushed, even though I know I can't keep running.
Man I just need someone to say they know how I feel, that I'm not alone, and to help me push the next week until my appointment.
Edit: thank you everyone, you all helped me through that moment and I'm feeling clearer right now. You said some things that were what I needed to hear, with concrete advice, and I can't express how much I appreciate that.
It's going to be a rough week and I have a lot to think about
I know this is easier said than done, but the sooner you can get past the worry of being seen as unreliable the better you'll be.
You're not an infinite resource that work can constantly pull from. And if you've set yourself up to be able to leave indefinitely, it's probably safe to guess you've been there for a minute and more than put in your time. You're plenty reliable but maybe work isn't providing all that it needs for you.
Putting yourself through school off the earnings of a hobby says you're resourceful. You've got a fear of change, but in reality you're better set up than most to deal with that.
I am better set up than most, that's really really helping me right now.
"unreliable" is more a euphemism for don't give this person projects, promotions, or raises. Then your next performance review is empty and you get fired without a reference.
I've seen this happen like 4 times in the last year to people I know.
It's a lot like actors getting labeled as hard to work with.