Hey all, I hope this post is okay
I'm currently going through a very high anxiety moment and have been having panic attacks all weekend. I'm still in one.
I've got a doctor appointment scheduled for next week, but I need some encouragement and advice to calm things down right now.
I have avoidant anxiety. When I was a student and I started having panic attacks for the first time. I couldn't force myself out of the house and stopped showing up at work and got myself fired and failed out of my classes. It took me years to recover.
I found a therapist privately back then and did CBT and it helped make things manageable enough that for years things were okay. She's no longer working, and I specifically avoided drugs then but I think that was a mistake.
I've been working for over a decade and have been carefully managing my anxiety with only a couple incidents. I worked in small companies, then did independent contracting, but now I've been in corporate jobs since COVID.
The last couple years I've been really struggling with my anxiety. As soon as everyone started doing mass layoffs and tightening the belt I've been struggling hard. The last few months it's gotten exponentially wise, and it's beyond my ability to manage.
I can't focus anymore, sitting at my desk gives me a panic attack every day, then I fail to meet my deadlines, so I stay up all night pushing myself, which boosts my anxiety.
I feel like I'm on a treadmill running full speed, but I'm tired, I can't breath anymore, I have that feeling if I run anymore my legs will collapse. But I'm on a treadmill, if I fall I get wrangled and crushed, even though I know I can't keep running.
Man I just need someone to say they know how I feel, that I'm not alone, and to help me push the next week until my appointment.
Edit: thank you everyone, you all helped me through that moment and I'm feeling clearer right now. You said some things that were what I needed to hear, with concrete advice, and I can't express how much I appreciate that.
It's going to be a rough week and I have a lot to think about
Your story sounds so familiar to me! Terrible anxiety and ADHD which cause me to procrastinate, avoid, constantly cancel the day of, all that stuff. School was a nightmare, work was easier, but eventually I hit a wall. I performed well for years, a decade into working at a company the wall appeared.
I really hated myself for it. Not just the wall, my entire life. Like... I really hated myself, I can't describe up you how much I hated me, hated my behavior, hated my inability to get things done.
Get medicated for the anxiety, then deal with the rest. The amount of relief I had when I started, I wish I could describe it to you, but the best way is the most derivative, it was like a weight was lifted. I had more gas in the tank. I could deal with the underlying issues that were giving me so much trouble.
I was scared of the meds (I didn't get on a single one until my mid 30's), my psych told me that's very common with people with anxiety, anxious about everything including medication. Now I'm medicated for ADHD and anxiety and my life is the best it's ever been.
Thanks, that sounds a lot like me, even the age range.
I definitely understand the hating yourself, I feel that every day. There are many infuriatingly stupid things I just struggle and fail at, and I hate it. I know how to do them, I know I should do them, and then I go to do them and I freeze up. It feels like trying to jump off a high cliff into a lake. I know it's safe in my head, but I can't walk to the edge and take the plunge. My brain simply won't let me.
I hate every time my wife asks me to do something simple and I can't do it.
You're making me feel better about asking for medication. I have been worried taking them would dull life and not feeling anxiety would make me lose the skills that make me valuable.
I just want to quiet those feelings so I can process them properly and then stop procrastinating and avoiding. I've tried for years to improve at that, but it never happens despite trying so hard.