this post was submitted on 31 Aug 2024
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Autism
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I seem to like tasks to be finished, because if a task is finished, then I don't have to do it. Once I start doing something, I find myself motivated enough to get to the end of it and put it behind me.
It's the starting a task part that I have trouble with. Sometimes I'm able to start something by brute force of will, and just doing "the very first thing" without thinking about anything that comes after. "I'm just going to do the thing that starts this task," and once I'm in the task, it's not nearly as hard for me to work through all its steps and make it finished, and by extension, gone.
I have so much trouble starting that if I do get rolling, I have to finish. Otherwise, I may not start again for a good long while, if ever. Which of course adds to the stress.
On the other end of that, I find very little satisfaction in "finishing" anything. The specter of the other things yet undone is always right there, ready to pounce the moment I try to rest.
It's an exhausting dance.
I've had some success in also reminding myself that it's okay for me to feel good about accomplishing even a simple thing. Did my wife have to remind me several times to submit my expenses to work before I finally did it? Yes. Did I do it? Also yes.
This can be dangerous, but sometimes I will force myself to stop short of reaching a good stopping point. Like, say you have to put up panelling, and 5 sections will cover a wall. Put up 4 panels and stop for the day. That 5th panel not being in place will drive you mad until you dive back into the project.
This will sometimes backfire, and I do have years-old half-finished projects that I've wandered away from
Hard relate. I started refurbing my bath fixtures two months ago. Weather sealing aging siding, 7 months ago. Replacing gutter guards, a year ago. Refinishing closets, 5 years ago.
I'm a mess.
🫂 Not a mess, you just operate differently to how you'd rather. Brains are wildly variable and affected by the strangest stuff. A trick that might work under certain conditions might not with others. Juggling moods, free time, seasonality & weather, finance ("can I afford to do this project right now") and all that other garbage is a whole task in itself.
That's when it might help to fall back on compartmentalising the task as others suggested: what is the next single step to refinishing the closets? Sanding the walls? Okay today I will sand one wall and then stop. Done. Feel like tackling a second wall after? Let yourself do that. If not, you are one step closer. Not up to even that single wall? Do future-you a favour and get your equipment staged to do that wall.
Small progress is still progress.
Oh, trust me. I am a mess lol. There's much more to the full picture, which has been compounding for longer than I care to admit. Finance is definitely a huge part of it (and often throws a huge wrench into the order of operations). Being unmedicated for most of my life didn't help either.
The sanding bit is actually a perfect example. I could theoretically do one wall then stop. But after that wall, I'll be a sweaty, dusty mess. Showering is a necessity (and also a huge executive dysfunction/OCD/dissociation trigger). So if I'm already dirty, it only makes sense to continue. This turns every potential starting point into [Overwhelming Task], topped off by The Shower Process. And then other things pop up, some of which are easier, some of which take immediate priority, etc. And things just pile up on one another. So in order to get to a closet today, I'd have to empty a room to get to the closet (because the basement is still empty from water getting in during a winter storm and 8 months later is still not fully resolved), empty the closet, rig some plastic or something to try and minimize the dust, sand, clean. And even though the path to the closet is clear, somewhere else is now overpiled with stuff, and will stay that way until I can paint, and then seal the floor. Repeat 4 more times.
So, stuff just sits while I struggle to tread water. I'm tired, yo.
Oh that's just awful. So any time you need to do Big Project, each smaller step is in itself Big Project and subdividing is off the table.
It also sounds like you're tackling everything without help. If you can stand it, would organising a group task force help? My partner (not me - I can't do people very well) got together with some of her more reliable friends and they will plan every other weekend to all descend upon one of their homes and spend about 4 hours doing What Needs To Be Done. It turns the activity into more of a social gathering, and they actually get things done.
Not sure if that would help with some of what you're dealing with. Also, I'm definitely not a professional so I can't really help, just try to throw suggestions into the ether in the hope that they might improve someone's situation a little.
Got it in one. Hat's off - just about every mental health professional I've talked to has had trouble with this part.
Correct on the mostly alone thing. My spouse and I are very similar when it comes to executive dysfunction (which is as mutually frustrating as it sounds) and she is nowhere near handy. It's all me when it comes to maintenance/repairs.
Pretty much all of our close friends have their hands full with their own lives/kids/crises. What's worse, I've had people promise to help and then ghost me. And every contractor I've hired has done a half-assed job at best. Most have been straight up incompetent. It makes me (further) question my decision making skills.
But on the bright side, one friend's crisis landed him on leave for a bit. (He very much needed the break.) He put out a general offer to help because he has time and knows I'm struggling, so I took him up on it. Hopefully between the two of us we can figure out how to replace the rest of the gutter guards this week.
Professional or not, I appreciate the feedback and empathy. Thanks, kind internet stranger. 🫡
I am so happy to hear you have a friend who is willing and able to help you out! My partner and I have good days and bad days. She's usually more motivated, but I tend to be handier (when I can focus). I lucked out there I think.
Wouldn't it be great if we could get some mental health professionals who actually trust that someone is accurately describing what they're dealing with and how? Like - you can throw neurotypical-friendly solutions at me all day but there just might be a reason they won't work the same as they have for someone else.
Take care of you! Here's hoping for an uptick in The Good Days soon!
Aaaand he cancelled. ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ As I said, everyone I know is going through some shit. I'm a bit disappointed but not mad. Or even surprised.
Some people are just in it for the money. Just like in the "real" world, if you don't fit inside the box, they don't care. You're not worth the effort. Some do it because they care. Which is good... to a point. Caring will drain someone, listening to people who are in pain all day, every day.
Some people are in it to learn, and to share that knowledge. These are the ones most likely to take what you say at face value... and then dig to get to the root of it. I'm lucky to have found one of these people as my therapist, and doubly lucky that he's part of the hiring process at the facility. He wants the culture to reflect his values. I just wish I could have found this support system sooner.
Oh wow you struck gold with that therapist! We need WAY more of him, but you're right it's draining work. Like just hanging out with a good friend will wipe me out, but digging deep into the root of someone's pain, over and over, every day...ooof.
I'm sorry your friend cancelled. Hopefully he gets over this bump and you can reschedule.