In the last year I have discovered that my childhood memories are pretty lacking, like I don't remember major life events and even whole periods of time.
The more I thought about it, the scarier it got. The feeling of having zero recollection of things that people around me remember, is really scary.
I have some psychological issues that I never really understood the root of but after this, and reading about child abuse and specifically child sexual abuse victims and the symptoms that might develop later in life. I have this feeling that maybe something happened to me, and I even have a "suspect" who is not part of my life anymore but was when I was a child.
I suspect that my mother might know something but this is too scary to ask about, and honestly, too scary to investigate because what if it's true?
Did anyone experience something like this? How did you handle it? Am I just scared because I'm missing memories and want to find a reason for my psychological issues?
Writing this down was scary, up until now this was only between me and my brain.
First off--good work writing this down and sharing it. It's terrifying to dive into this stuff, but the fact that you shared it here means you're probably ready to start figuring it out.
I had something similar--only vague impressions of things from before age 9 or so. I worked with a therapist and eventually had some repressed memories surface. Overall, it was a difficult journey, but absolutely worth it. There are a lot of things that I had assumed were just "wrong with me." After understanding my history, I've been able to start recovering from these things and I've become a lot better at loving myself.
For what it's worth, our brains are wired to protect us, and that continues. I never recalled the entirety of what happened to me, only as much as I needed to recover. You may find there's nothing, or you might uncover a lot--either way, your brain is still working to keep you safe.
If you have the means, get with a good therapist who can help you through this. Otherwise if there's someone close who you can trust, you could ask them. If you don't have any of that, feel free to DM me--probably not as helpful as someone you know, but better than going it alone.
Firstly thank you, I wasn't sure if anyone would see this and your comment was very kind.
Can I ask if you did something special with the therapist or just regular therapy? I did read online on therapy methods that aim specifically to uncover repressed memories, but a part of me is scared that my brain will placebo a memory because I already have this suspicion in my head.
Which is why I might be avoiding therapy (I know ๐ )
That's a fair concern. I didn't do anything particularly geared toward uncovering suppressed memories, it just sort of happened along the way.
In my case, I was working on reconciling my emotions with the rest of me (which I had largely suppressed and cut off, leading to years of depression). So recovering those memories was part of that journey--I couldn't reconcile the emotions until I could understand why there was so much fear and pain.
I was also concerned at first about the validity of my recovered memories. Even now, I can't say with 100% certainty that they are accurate, but it's enough for me to heal from whatever the exact trauma was. The thing to remember is this: regardless of the events that took place, your emotions are very real, and it's worth exploring for that reason alone.
And a therapist will know how to lead you through it--you're likely not the first for them, and there's probably nothing you can tell an experienced therapist that will shock them. A good therapist won't push you beyond what you can handle--they're sort of like a coach or personal trainer, helping you reach your (mental health) goals.
Thank you, it really helps to hear that.
I think you are right, I need to start this process with a therapist.
Maybe not right now, just this post was a bit much, but i think this is the next step, once im ready.
Thank you for your advice and for sharing.