this post was submitted on 05 Aug 2024
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I understand you’re coming from a good place and I appreciate that but it seems I might’ve given the wrong impression, so let me clarify as a wrap up to this thread.
I am employed full time, making decent amount of money as far as the average pay in the country is concerned. Work conditions are decent.
I do have a place to rent but it goes up in price every year with no justifications and no work being done to correct or address a lot of the issues it exhibits, including but not limited to the ever growing heat problem (much hotter indoors), electrical issues, bathroom mold and deteriorating cracks in the walls/stairs to name a few. Fighting this is futile or lengthy and costly, something my wallet and my mental state cannot afford. The alternative is either let it be or move to a different place, similar circumstances or slightly improved, but with a much higher cost associated.
I also exercise every other day and while it definitely has its merits, it’s also rough to convince myself to do it every time. I think I missed a total of 4 days of exercise so far this year. Discipline wise, I feel that’s alright.
I agree that the shrink is not a one-doc-fits-all and it’s important to find the one that resonates with you, I also feel bouncing off ideas from people outside of your comfort zone is important as it provides a wider perspective on things which you may not have considered otherwise.
While he did not do much, he did confirm the diagnosis of a severe depression and has helped enough for me to conclude that I’m not insane, and similar to millions of others, just a victim of circumstances and consequences of social and economic policies that push this burning bus downhill ever faster.
Most of the items I experience are not a matter of perspective, it’s a matter of fact, global warming, unaffordability of housing, stagnant wages, anti consumer practices just to name a few
Ultimately, my point is that I don’t want to mitigate the pain, I want to not have to deal with it in the first place.
Just because I can keep fighting and reassemble the pieces again and again, doesn’t mean I want to. Repairing the cracks doesn’t make you stronger no matter what people say, the glue only helps so much and there is always a toll paid when reassembling broken stuff. I understand when people want to compare it to the Japanese art of repairing stuff with gold but it’s never that nice, you don’t come out stronger in the end, you come out assembled in whatever configuration allows you to survive and with less energy for the next run, but with more disdain for having to do it again.
And again.
And again after that.
To summarize: I’m just tired.
I figured you were probably employed, just living in a space of paycheck to paycheck and feeling exhausted from drowning in a system that takes so much and never seems to give you what you need to ride the wave instead of fighting it. Rent is a brutal tunt, and it showed me how many people in positions of power are secretly conservative scum. Because people kept warning "Biden" that if he does x -> rents were going to soar. And rents have jumped up at an insane rate. Forcing a lot of people who were otherwise living independantly to move back in with their folks. But what happens when you don't have that kind of safety net?
And yeah, I once talked about how rentals are a crapshoot because your land appreciates regardless. So you don't do a damn thing to fix it. And most people who are renting can't do a thing about it. Even with organizations formed to assist them. I also think all new housing has become an amorphous blob of greige. Where they justify the rent by the "luxury" facelift they did on a crumbling mold-infested apartment. It's a frustrating state. But I really don't know what I can do about it, other than hold an opinion that it's bunk af.
I only said working out, because it helps with depression. But if you're hitting it, you're hitting it. I just was pulling stuff out of the aether because I know it's stuff that has helped me. If it helps you at all - I just grabbed a bunch of resources and drew up a handful of workouts I can follow. So that I can do what I want to do. Idk if it's the right thing, but it gets me to do them. So eh, it's alright with me =)
I mean, I am a big talker and a big lover of people. And I agree with you. I stated here somewhere that I actually do have my own issues with people who would be considered "snowflakes" or "sjws" because some of them are just as angry and one-sided as the opposite side of the coin. And in general, while I can't say I hate extremist (because I am one, as in - I am a very extreme person as a whole) I do hate people who seem either a) 2D or b) unwilling to communicate with others. But in a healing sense, I have spent my entire life being "the other," "different," and "weird" and it's very nice to be able to communicate with someone who listens to the brain-soup I've got going on up there and commincates with me on what I've got to say while being very objective. Because it helps me see things in a different way and lets' me smooth out some of the wrinkles. The reason why I love my therapist so much is because she knows how to communicate what I need to hear, while not making me feel awful for how I am feeling or what I've said. And I think that really helps when you're speaking from a super vulnerable space. But maybe it's not for everyone? It works for me. And to be honest, it's why I suggested it for you. Because I have known a couple of people who have gone to therapist - get the "answer" they wanted to hear and then disappear. But I think it's more of a contignous thing personally. Especially when you're as hurt as you seem to be.
Also, if you keep going to shrinks you might be able to get on disability if you need it. Because I read depression is the main reason why people are on it. And it sounds like it's something you keep coming back to. I mean, I'm not a doctor or anything. I just wanted to say you could validly, if you needed to, make steps towards leaving the rat race. But also there are like...other gigs you could consider. You might need a career change? I'm not saying go back to school, but maybe work for a cause that you believe in. These jobs are harder to find, but they are out there.
I hear you on repairing the cracks. I once talked about how a guy I heard on Rumblestrip Vermont described a broken heart as something that keeps getting smashed up until all you've got is fine powder. In general, it sounds like you had certain expectations from life and they didn't line-up. Cause I found in my life, the biggest disappointments come from misaligned expectations vs reality. But yet again, I'm just talking from my end. And that ultimately it could be very different for you.
Kintsugi =)! Hahaha! I only smile because I am part-Japanese and I grew up looking at one of those vases during my childhood. I hear what you're saying. My health took a huge spiral (I've actually got a doc appointment I've gotta leave for in 20) and it fucked me up. I was a really industrious person, and everything slowed to a trickle. And in that trickle, there was only pain. I really felt cheated, and angry. And hopless. I was so fucking mad, I was too young. That's how I saw it. Too young to be hurting like this. But now I'm working together with my medical team, and the loving support of the people in my life and I am optimistic about things. But I don't think I will ever go back to who I was. And that's a falsehood, I don't think it's solid thinking in general. And I was feeding myself that and making myself sick with this pain that if I couldn't go back to the way things were - why fight at all? And I totally have childhood trauma that has fucked certain ways that I get to experience/interact with the world. And I don't think anything really will go through and fix that. And I think a part of accepting that helps me just be...me. And yeah, restarting takes a lot of energy and it sucks every time you've gotta muster it especially as you get older.
BUT! I still think that the whole it's worth the venture. And I didn't always think this way, but that's yet again why I was talking about shrinks. Because I think finding the right shrink helps unravel all the rest. Because she got me to move forward in a way that I was unwilling to at the time because I couldn't see outside of what I was feeling immediately. And it was exhaustion and pain.
If you wanna keep talking though, I am here. And I hope you find what you need ultimately to feel better. Even if it's just a bunch of menial things.