I recently had the mind-boggling idea to reach out to The One That Got Away. It had been over a decade since our last interaction, which was fraught with unconcluded sexual tension and awkwardness. We used to be fast friends during Uni, there was an undeniable connection between us, but I was too busy learning lessons about toxic relationships and had been wrecked by my first, a 6-year relationship which ended with being dumped via text. Whatever, water under the bridge now, but that last time we spoke I was barely a month out of the aforementioned shitshow and acting upon said sexual tension felt too close to cheating for my comfort.
Anyway, TOTGA - let's call her Liz for simplicity's sake, moved abroad shortly after our last interaction and I didn't show up to her moving away get-together as I felt things were still too awkward and confusing on my end. And that was that, followed by 12 years of zero contact and What Ifs.
Now I'm back in town, so to speak - moved back to the city in which I attended Uni alongside Liz and everything started boiling up to the surface again. After several months of sitting with it, I decided to go against my better judgement and ignore the only rational conclusion, namely that anything and everything that was or could have been had ended about a lifetime ago and I should leave things as they are. Found her on LinkedIn, started writing up a letter-cum-exposition dump, but she added and messaged me before I could even paste the draft. She gave me her number, we switched to a chat app, then proceeded to spend four and a half hours in a video call, in the middle of the night.
She acted as though not a second went by since that last interaction. She was as ebullient and unfiltered as ever, and demonstrated immense comfort in spending time with me (she wore a t-shirt and undies and was in no way bothered by having her entire crotch on display...) It truly felt as though I'd left her place 'yesterday.' We chatted about our past and present lives, I was as in love with her now as I've been 12 years ago, with the addition that this time I actually understood what was going on inside, then we ended the call with promises of reciprocal visits and TTYLs.
I was buzzing. Woke up the next morning eager to check that the call actually happened and dropped her a giddy text when reality was confirmed. She reciprocated briefly, then silence. Been 24 hours now. And it just hit me that I may have grossly misinterpreted things and that I'm a fucking moron. She's always been ebullient and unfiltered with everyone she considered a friend, the only actual way I could tell she wanted something more was that you suddenly had her hand down your pants. She's always been forward and direct, unafraid of speaking and/or acting her mind (part of why I keep falling for her), so it started becoming obvious that the initial conclusion had, indeed, been the correct one and I'd fucked things up for myself yet again! Go, me...
So now I'm back at Depression Management 101 as I can feel another episode rearing its ugly head, laying in this misery ditch I have dug for myself by being shit at understanding people, and she'll now constantly be there to remind me of it.
I mean, you could always just communicate your feelings? It's not illegal to be attracted to your friends, my wife and I were friends for around ten years before we started dating.
It's a bit different when you're young and inexperienced. There's always a perceived gap in experience between young romantic partners. Usually with one person thinking they know what they want and what they are doing, and the other just happy to be there and hoping for the best.
In my experience once you're in your thirties life kinda teaches you that there are no adults, no one knows what they're doing, and it's all up to you to make the life you want happen.
A man can only cross a river once, and it's been 12 years. You are not the same person you were in college, and neither is she. More than likely she is in the same position as you, pondering on the past and potential future.
Shoot your shot. If it doesn't work out, no big deal, you're in the same boat you started out on. The worst case scenario here is not expressing your feelings, and then regretting it for another decade.
This was my instinct from the very beginning, to just lay everything out on the table, but I have a knot in my gut telling me that if - holy, saintly IF she still has a door through which I may one day find my way into her heart again, maybe telling her outright after 12 years of not knowing anything about one another will creep her out and wreck everything. This is precisely why I haven't mentioned a thing about this aspect, just (immensely) enjoyed her company in the moment.
Thing is, we've both had... tumultuous paths through life (thanks, childhood trauma) and I can tell she's at least as wary as I am - she made a lot of progress with herself in this time, and being in that same situation where my Geiger counter's constantly screening for radiation in the back of my mind, I really don't want to make something honest look like love bombing, y'know?
I think you may be building this whole scenario up in your head a bit. Remember, 12 years is a long time and it can be hard to not look at people and times in our past with rose colored glasses. She could very well be a very different person than she used too, and you may have never known her as well as you think you did. It's an easy assumption to make when you are young, dumb, and thinking with hormones.
I'm not telling you to confess your undying love or anything, that's not exactly first date material. In fact, I would avoid that particular subject unless they bring it up, or until you know that it's requited.
Just tell them that you really enjoyed your talk, and was wondering if they'd like to grab drinks or dinner sometime. It's that simple, everything else going on in your head is just your anxiety boiling up reasons to preserve the status quo.
Just don't get it in your head that this person owes you anything, or hold them to any set expectations. The past is behind you both, the future is what you make of it.
Oh, I am a notorious inner confabulator, yes! Known quantity, believe me. I am keeping a tight eye on that particular aspect, really don't want its repercussions again... That is exactly what snapped me back to reality with this bundle of joy in my lap, because, and I am not exaggerating an iota of this, she behaved EXACTLY as she used to back in the day. It was so comfortable and familiar, that it triggered my alarms, made me question my observations, and refocused me toward what is empirically observable - nothing.
Got my hopes up before ever interacting, they were met, to my eternal surprise, and now I'm reeling from "too good to be true" re-entry.
I do see a lot of value in your advice of taking it slow, I had no intention whatsoever of even bringing up the subject of my affection *at that level, at worst it would've been a hint that maybe that connection we used to have isn't dead on my end - I've set my limit at "I've missed you something fierce," which I genuinely did even from the friendship aspect, and that's that. I was thinking of taking her up on her offer of my crashing at hers for a few days and playing the tourist in her current country. If nothing else, I'll get a solid vacation out of it, and, at worst, a nice time with an old friend.
It'll still hurt like shit if it turns out I was right and there really is nothing more there, because, if she still is as I remember her, then she's, like... outta this world, not even kidding...
Edit with *, corrected for clarity.
I highly doubt this is true..... You both are approaching your thirties, or in your thirties. The likelihood that you both behaved exactly the way you used to is slim to none. For one, our memories are not exact narrations of our past. Secondly, you are obviously in a state of emotional excitability, and so you yourself are not a reliable narrator.
If you both acted "exactly" how you used too, it's not really a good thing. It means you've both not progressed emotionally in the last decade.
Only because it may pop the bubble of illusion you've built up in your head. In reality if there is nothing, then nothing has changed except your ability to participate in a well worn self deception, and shedding your own idealistized version of the past is healthy anyways.
She is not "outta this world", she is just a normal human being. Thinking that she is some goddess put on a pedestal is not only demeaning to her self determination, but it hints at your own inadequacies with self esteem.
I swear on my mother's grave! I know it's hard to believe, can hardly believe it myself right this instant, but we even had the same types of jokes, we teased and prodded eachother in the exact same ways, we had the same rhythms, the same frequencies, it truly was as though nothing had changed. Don't get me wrong, I have no illusion that she is the same exact person she was back then, as neither am I. Hell, I can feel exactly how tired and weary I've become over the years and how that naiveté vanished a good bit of time ago, I imagine it's at least this for her based on what she shared. But it was as though we both got jolted back to where we left off. Again, I am a stranger on the internet, but I swear it's exactly as I'm telling it.
I agree with you that I am emotionally excitable, could even call me compromised, but my rationalisation mechanisms kicked in before I made the post and those disable any input my emotions may have other than retreating to not be a stressor for anyone else while I'm like this. Sorry, long side note, but I felt the need to clarify this.
I can understand why you'd think we've not progressed, but you're also neglecting the possibility that a person may, indeed, have their values and outlook, thus their general behaviour, essentially unchanged, even though they've grown as people. Can tell you my issues were not related to who I am, rather to what I've let others do to me.
It'll hurt exactly because whatever this is between us, after 12 years of living plenty, still feels as good as it used to. And, yes, it hurts because romantic love is selfish by its inherent nature, otherwise it'd be nothing but platonic. And I can tell you, what I'm feeling for her is anything but platonic. There's a deep sense of non-romantic love there, too, because I really would rather know she's well above all, regardless of what she'd need for that to happen, which is why I'm going through this turmoil in the first place - trying to juggle not hurting myself and not hurting her at the same time. It really isn't easy. And it's made all the harder by the first repetition, so far I have seen every single one of her aspects with which I fell in love back then made manifest for four and a half hours on my phone.
And, as for your last point, yes! I agree! She, as the thoroughly, sometimes annoyingly imperfect human being I've come to know throughout this life, is anything but a goddess. But she's still outta this world.