this post was submitted on 23 Jul 2024
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depression_now!

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A sad place for sad people to be sad.

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This community is for people with depression. Memes and general discussion about depression are encouraged and welcome.

Bi-polar people are also allowed to post here but only sometimes.(joke)

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Therapy is not for everyone, check out peer counseling instead: https://www.americanmentalwellness.org/intervention/peer-support/

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I have struggled with depression and anxiety all of my life. I've had the feeling that things were going to end with crushing dissapoinment and tears. I have been able to get past that and stumble through life because there has always been some goal to reach toward. Finishing high school, college, moving out of parents, finding a significant other, getting a good job, etc.

There was always an underlying assumption that once x happens my real life will begin, and I will rise above my hang-ups. If I'm being honest that has been true sometimes, but in many important ways it hasn't happened. I am still full of anxiety, self-doubt, self-loathing, laziness, immaturity, shyness, an inability to focus or pay attention to details, and more. I can't keep up, time moves too fast.

I've made it far enough in life that I do have an ok job but with every year it becomes clear that I am not respected and my work and opinions are not valued. I have a partner who in many ways improved my life. But after 5 years I think she is holding me back as a person. She is an alcoholic and has many problems of her own. I spend more time worrying about her and making sure she doesn't get upset than I do focusing on improving myself.

Now I'm about to turn 40 and the realization that this is it is speeding at me like a train. This really is who I am. I'm probably never going to be able to change. I really am not a particularly good person, in every possible way. I am a dissapoinment and failure to myself and everyone who knows me more than a few minutes.

I'm not suicidal but I think about it every day. What will probably happen is the strain will get so bad that I'll either have a stroke or snap and leave my job and partner and become homeless or something. I can barely face my family and friends because I am so ashamed. I just don't know what will prevent some inevitable terrible end for me. Every day I struggle to complete tasks and interact with others under the crushing knowledge that I am a failure and a fuck up.

Anyways. Back to work.

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[–] Atrichum 2 points 5 months ago

Thank you for replying.

I agree with what you said about life being a learning experience we don't master. My choice of wording was poor, because I never thought that my problems would magically go away after achieving x. More like, I expected to have overcome or learned to deal with my hang-ups by the time I got to x. I'm a grown ass man with the dysfunctional mind of a 13 year old.

I downloaded a copy of that book you recommend. I'll give it a read.