depression_now!

Is this just me?

After my last break up I can't seem to get out from this depression relapse..

I reduced media use drastically, like almost to zero, I am swimming 3-4 times a week, doing yoga 1-2 times a week, going to work every morning with my bike, doing only cold showers, being in the sun, being in nature, playing my guitar, being around people as much as I can, being around my little dog and my cats, eating super super healthy, not doing any drug, not drinking, not smoking, reading self help books..

I'm doing everything, everything that can possibly be done without meds probably, but my mind feels so down and so "lazy", last night I was sleeping on the ground because I had scabies and got cured, I had my bed changed and didn't want to sleep in my bed without having a shower first, but it felt too hard to have a shower..

I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 weeks because it feels so hard to change myself and to wash them.

Even tho I'm really putting effort into all this stuff, I feel like I have zero energy and my mood is like 90% of the times terrible, and 8% of the times acceptable and 2% kinda OK(?)

I'm used to most of the stuff I said in the beginning, it's just what I do in my life is most of the time, except I would increase media consumption from times to times. How the hell can I be depressed?

I feel like this time I'm doing everything right, and in fact at least I don't feel like I want to kill myself all the time like it happened in the past.. But you know, it feels like great effort isn't really paying back..

I feel like I'm pushing and pushing and pushing but I don't get anything back, if I miss the pool one time, it's just a mood drop..

I feel super weak, I also have some bad "blood sugar drops", or at least that's what my family says, and I'm also considering I might be having some deficiency or nutrition related issue at this point.

My therapist is insisting like a lot to put me on antidepressants, but they made me feel terrible in the past. Microdosing is the only thing that worked decently but I got tinnitus from it (which now is gone), but my therapist doesn't even want to consider it, and I felt actually good last summer and at the beginning of my relationship without any drug at all, which made me think I finally won, but I didn't.

No substance come without a price to pay and I don't want to feel so bad again with antidepressants.

What to do?

Recently started seeing a medication provider who's been treating me for what she believes to be bipolar type 2, so I've had the help of medication. But, damn. I've missed a week of work over the past three, I've lapsed on alcohol like 5 or 6 days, last month, and I've just been feeling hopeless. I don't want to lose my job, but actually getting to work has been laborious. I just want Winter over, already. It hasn't been a month, and I'm exhausted. /rant

I'm young enough to be on my parents' health insurance plan, they have enough funding to pay for copays/deductibles (it's not really a money issue, is what I'm trying to say). But my parents (especially my mother), opposes medication and tells me I need to "Just Go Outside".

So, I wonder how long before I kms...

🙃

I (F20) have depression and undiagnosed adhd (adult adhd doesn’t exist in my country). I believe my depression was caused by the lack of treatment and educational accommodations for my adhd. So I’ve been on 20mg Escitalopram (Lexapro) for about a year, ever since I almost kms, then I switched to some other SSRI for about a week but immediately got bad side effects and my psychiatrist decided to let me quit SSRIs altogether, but keep some other “mood stabilizing pills” (perphenazine, valporate).

It’s been more than a month since then and my mood has been way better than before, my IBS went away and I stopped being super sleepy and became more productive.

What the hell is happening? Aren’t pills supposed to make you feel better?

(Tho they definitely saved me in the beginning. If you are considering going on medication I say go for it.)

Here is a cat for any kind stranger who decides to answer to my questions:

Context: I've been writing these this month, mostly on bad days, and mostly keeping them to myself. I found this community via the perchance AI T2I generators (which have been a source of joy). Hope this is the right place to post this.

day tracker 11-25-24

depression 10/10 today. i felt good after stopping the drugs last week. but the albatri still hang around my neck. and I've come back to earth, to reality, to depression. can't call the lawyer. can't do anything.

new theory to be disproven soon: i go on a drug, feel good for a week, then back to the depression. i go off a drug, feel good for a week, then back to the depression. TMS, ECT, or that fancy new shit, electrodes in the brain. I need my electronics re-wired. At least give me a shot with EMDR! Please, I need to do something. Just bumbling along every 2 weeks, might as well not even leave the house. And then it's "do we need to be worried" which is code for the sanitarium. Just the deepest loneliness.

You know, I felt pretty good yesterday. I launched a blog. Posted a few things. Only those who love me will read it. Whatever. I'll never be popular, just the way it is. It was obvious after losing that election for College [redacted] [literally an example of experience matters [redacted]]. So it goes. Some people can convince others and some can't. I didn't get programmed with the winning code.

But I felt good yesterday, and terrible today. I think I'm depressed cowering in front of the albatross.

I was going to say "I have this fatal flaw" and then I thought of two more. Stop thinking, I'll only come up with more.

I was prepared for a lot of challenges. But not someone destroying me from the inside. An abuse victim is the best practitioner. [redacted]. What a team.

I called some mental health places looking for group therapy. But I don't even want the mental health system, I just want a support group. I guess they don't exist for me. Called the [redacted] County Mental Health resources number, they just gave me 3 places to call because their thing is limited to medicaid. [That's a good example of how fucked our healthcare system is, I think I'm going to stop voting].

I called the 3 places. One didn't have group therapy. I left a voicemail for another, probably won't hear back. Tried to call a third. Never connected. Then I cried. Then I looked up support groups but on Psychology Today, thinking now that's probably the wrong place for a group not led by a mental health professional. But I called some doctor who leads a group. Probably won't call me back either. Just found the local MHA affiliate and left a voicemail. Maybe they'll call back.

Crying. I feel best when I'm crying.

tl;dr long rant, I don't care if anybody reads it, I just want to get it out because I've been depressed and suicidal for months now (not so much suicidal now, I'm not in any need of immediate help, but it's scary how my brain was working through the logistics of getting it done).

42 M, I've been through breakups in the past, I've been through plenty of failed relationships for a variety of reasons, but I'm coming out of a ~10 year relationship now with somebody whom I have a kid with and we've been partners through alot of shit together, but I think I'm just done now and it's tearing me up inside.

It started a few months ago, she was finishing up nursing school, which I had been supporting her for the past year through it financially (paying her rent) and helping her with most of her classes. It was supposed to be a big achievement, but the week before her final exam, she told me she it was over, that she'd been seeing somebody else for a few months and that she didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. I was devastated, but stayed around like a pathetic dog because we have a kid together and her being successful would help everyone out in raising him. Even though I had just had my heart broken, I helped out with some post-graduation things, thinking maybe it was just a temporary thing, maybe things would turn around once the stress of graduation and her nursing board exam passed, but nothing really changed, I just got more and more pathetic and suicidal.

Her behavior though after graduation started becoming problematic though, she hadn't passed the state certification exam (the requirement to actually becoming an RN), but she'd basically just checked out at that point. She was more stressed about planning for her graduation party than she was for studying for the exam. She failed the exam and essentially has 45 more days until she can take the exam, but still she doesn't seem to care that much about studying for it. Things apparently broke off with whoever the other person was that she was seeing, or so she said, and then started talking about traveling across the country to Seattle to work some nursing jobs out there, as if she was basically just tossing 2 years' worth of schooling down the drain.

Things briefly rekindled for us the past two weeks and things seemed happy again, though in my mind I suspected I was just being used again, but I was tired of being depressed. She wanted it to be an open relationship though, no strings attached, and I stupidly agreed, just telling her that I didn't want to know anything about anyone. else. On Wednesday, she wanted me to watch our son while she said she was going out to study with a girl-friend from school. Thought nothing of it and was glad she was applying herself. The next morning, I stopped by her place to pick up something for our son before he went to school, she wasn't there, bed was empty (she normally sleeps in). When I called to ask where she had been at, there was no response, just dodging the question, it was obvious she'd gone out with somebody else and stayed the night with them, and she hung up on me.

I know I had opened myself up to it by agreeing to a NSA relationship in the first place, and I thought maybe I could distance myself emotionally from it, but I couldn't do it, I felt betrayed, after all we had been through and all I had done to help her over the course of our relationship, I just couldn't go through with it, I can't willingly go along with that with somebody I care so deeply about (even if it's not reciprocated).

In a way, I was glad it happened, because it gave me the anger I needed to break things off between us for good I think, but I'm so pathetically lonely and touch/attention-starved that I don't know that I'd be able to keep myself from falling back into the relationship if she tried to start things up again. One of the big complicating factors is that we have a kid together that we co-parent and we're constantly picking him up back and forth between us, so it's not like I can completely cut myself off, but it's painful to think about her moving on with somebody else, I don't know how co-parenting couples get past things like that.

And so everything just feels pointless to me now. Life feels empty. All my future plans had revolved around our relationship and plans together, it all just hinged on her getting through nursing school and then we were going to start building a life together, and now it feels like I have nothing to look forwards to. Obviously I have a son I love very much, but I just feel a big emptiness inside that I can't get past. The events of the past week with the election have further compounded things, but I'm at the point where I just don't care about that even. I don't care if the world burns.

Everything I do seems to be complete useless, stupid and just agonizingly boring. I usually really like my work. Learning Programming languages, solving Problems, and enjoying the small rush when something finally works like you intended. But now? Everything sucks. I know that it's just a down-phase, but this does not help me at all. And I fucking hate myself so much that I can't just be like "Yeah it's a bad day, but I still manage to get my shit done." Why can't I be "normal"?

I'm always the one trying to put stuff together and nothing ever ends up happening. It's clear I matter a lot less to everyone than they matter to me and that hurts. I really really wish that giving up on having people in my life would stop me from craving social interaction.

Mentioned feeling suicidal to the wrong friend and he freaked out and gave me the classically unhelpful/actively harmful pep talk and advice without ever trying to fucking understand and it makes me feel so fucking invisible. Like, people only care about me when I impact them by upsetting them at the thought of me harming myself. They don't actually care, they just want to make themselves feel better, so I get the "be better, I don't want to hear about you being suicidal anymore" talk so they can put my mental illness in the "done" pile and go back to not thinking about me. I do have a couple friends who will actually listen and empathize and understand, but there's only so much you can lay on someone before it drives them away.

I'm going to delete or abandon this account soon. Trying to be social on Lemmy kind of is worse than having no social interaction at all, the internet in general but more specifically this corner of it is just filled with arguments and negativity and I end up dreading seeing inbox notifications. So, if I stop posting, I'm probably still around, not that anyone's checking

Honestly I could wal. Djdbsk. Znz zkksn d kcjwnksndjd xnxijsksnd c j😨🥵🥺👊band x xks xm x xkxnd d. Djdjf

It's not feeling worth anything constantly trying to stay away from my thoughts while feeling so sad depressed I want to say all these things to someone and hope someone will care but my sadness is all mine to carry I know it I know feeling better is temporary it'll fade off the moment I remember who I am I don't want any expectations neither from myself nor from anything or anyone why isn't the insect digging tiniest holes in the ground feeling bad about itself why is it just moving around without suffering this kind of meaninglessness why am I feeling it so bad but I still chose to stay alive I know killing myself is never a choice just cause I feel this isn't good enough to give it all up I hope someday I just become like that insect unworried just waking up getting lost in some task until it's time to fall asleep with no miseries and die sometime uncertain.

we have created a signal support group to connect a supportive network of people struggling with cptsd, neurodivergence, bpd and other forms of trauma. please feel free to vent, trauma dump and be together during tough times 🩷

https://signal.group/#CjQKIDyYlgFaxeDUSqLmJBwWiVzGgbtBC0exF3kew0J4A-3LEhA9q2epnMPa-nL_gmAqa2Xo

i hope that in the next life I am not like this. I just wish I could go back and redo everything without being severely mentally ill. I spend every day in the dark lamenting and wishing I could just go back in time. I think about ending it so often. I just want a chance to redo and be normal so badly. the craziest part is that physically, everything in my life is fine. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. but my brain just focuses on the negatives so much. it makes me feel even worse, I just wish so bad I could redo my life without feeling like this.