depression_now!

I (F20) have depression and undiagnosed adhd (adult adhd doesn’t exist in my country). I believe my depression was caused by the lack of treatment and educational accommodations for my adhd. So I’ve been on 20mg Escitalopram (Lexapro) for about a year, ever since I almost kms, then I switched to some other SSRI for about a week but immediately got bad side effects and my psychiatrist decided to let me quit SSRIs altogether, but keep some other “mood stabilizing pills” (perphenazine, valporate).

It’s been more than a month since then and my mood has been way better than before, my IBS went away and I stopped being super sleepy and became more productive.

What the hell is happening? Aren’t pills supposed to make you feel better?

(Tho they definitely saved me in the beginning. If you are considering going on medication I say go for it.)

Here is a cat for any kind stranger who decides to answer to my questions:

Context: I've been writing these this month, mostly on bad days, and mostly keeping them to myself. I found this community via the perchance AI T2I generators (which have been a source of joy). Hope this is the right place to post this.

day tracker 11-25-24

depression 10/10 today. i felt good after stopping the drugs last week. but the albatri still hang around my neck. and I've come back to earth, to reality, to depression. can't call the lawyer. can't do anything.

new theory to be disproven soon: i go on a drug, feel good for a week, then back to the depression. i go off a drug, feel good for a week, then back to the depression. TMS, ECT, or that fancy new shit, electrodes in the brain. I need my electronics re-wired. At least give me a shot with EMDR! Please, I need to do something. Just bumbling along every 2 weeks, might as well not even leave the house. And then it's "do we need to be worried" which is code for the sanitarium. Just the deepest loneliness.

You know, I felt pretty good yesterday. I launched a blog. Posted a few things. Only those who love me will read it. Whatever. I'll never be popular, just the way it is. It was obvious after losing that election for College [redacted] [literally an example of experience matters [redacted]]. So it goes. Some people can convince others and some can't. I didn't get programmed with the winning code.

But I felt good yesterday, and terrible today. I think I'm depressed cowering in front of the albatross.

I was going to say "I have this fatal flaw" and then I thought of two more. Stop thinking, I'll only come up with more.

I was prepared for a lot of challenges. But not someone destroying me from the inside. An abuse victim is the best practitioner. [redacted]. What a team.

I called some mental health places looking for group therapy. But I don't even want the mental health system, I just want a support group. I guess they don't exist for me. Called the [redacted] County Mental Health resources number, they just gave me 3 places to call because their thing is limited to medicaid. [That's a good example of how fucked our healthcare system is, I think I'm going to stop voting].

I called the 3 places. One didn't have group therapy. I left a voicemail for another, probably won't hear back. Tried to call a third. Never connected. Then I cried. Then I looked up support groups but on Psychology Today, thinking now that's probably the wrong place for a group not led by a mental health professional. But I called some doctor who leads a group. Probably won't call me back either. Just found the local MHA affiliate and left a voicemail. Maybe they'll call back.

Crying. I feel best when I'm crying.

tl;dr long rant, I don't care if anybody reads it, I just want to get it out because I've been depressed and suicidal for months now (not so much suicidal now, I'm not in any need of immediate help, but it's scary how my brain was working through the logistics of getting it done).

42 M, I've been through breakups in the past, I've been through plenty of failed relationships for a variety of reasons, but I'm coming out of a ~10 year relationship now with somebody whom I have a kid with and we've been partners through alot of shit together, but I think I'm just done now and it's tearing me up inside.

It started a few months ago, she was finishing up nursing school, which I had been supporting her for the past year through it financially (paying her rent) and helping her with most of her classes. It was supposed to be a big achievement, but the week before her final exam, she told me she it was over, that she'd been seeing somebody else for a few months and that she didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. I was devastated, but stayed around like a pathetic dog because we have a kid together and her being successful would help everyone out in raising him. Even though I had just had my heart broken, I helped out with some post-graduation things, thinking maybe it was just a temporary thing, maybe things would turn around once the stress of graduation and her nursing board exam passed, but nothing really changed, I just got more and more pathetic and suicidal.

Her behavior though after graduation started becoming problematic though, she hadn't passed the state certification exam (the requirement to actually becoming an RN), but she'd basically just checked out at that point. She was more stressed about planning for her graduation party than she was for studying for the exam. She failed the exam and essentially has 45 more days until she can take the exam, but still she doesn't seem to care that much about studying for it. Things apparently broke off with whoever the other person was that she was seeing, or so she said, and then started talking about traveling across the country to Seattle to work some nursing jobs out there, as if she was basically just tossing 2 years' worth of schooling down the drain.

Things briefly rekindled for us the past two weeks and things seemed happy again, though in my mind I suspected I was just being used again, but I was tired of being depressed. She wanted it to be an open relationship though, no strings attached, and I stupidly agreed, just telling her that I didn't want to know anything about anyone. else. On Wednesday, she wanted me to watch our son while she said she was going out to study with a girl-friend from school. Thought nothing of it and was glad she was applying herself. The next morning, I stopped by her place to pick up something for our son before he went to school, she wasn't there, bed was empty (she normally sleeps in). When I called to ask where she had been at, there was no response, just dodging the question, it was obvious she'd gone out with somebody else and stayed the night with them, and she hung up on me.

I know I had opened myself up to it by agreeing to a NSA relationship in the first place, and I thought maybe I could distance myself emotionally from it, but I couldn't do it, I felt betrayed, after all we had been through and all I had done to help her over the course of our relationship, I just couldn't go through with it, I can't willingly go along with that with somebody I care so deeply about (even if it's not reciprocated).

In a way, I was glad it happened, because it gave me the anger I needed to break things off between us for good I think, but I'm so pathetically lonely and touch/attention-starved that I don't know that I'd be able to keep myself from falling back into the relationship if she tried to start things up again. One of the big complicating factors is that we have a kid together that we co-parent and we're constantly picking him up back and forth between us, so it's not like I can completely cut myself off, but it's painful to think about her moving on with somebody else, I don't know how co-parenting couples get past things like that.

And so everything just feels pointless to me now. Life feels empty. All my future plans had revolved around our relationship and plans together, it all just hinged on her getting through nursing school and then we were going to start building a life together, and now it feels like I have nothing to look forwards to. Obviously I have a son I love very much, but I just feel a big emptiness inside that I can't get past. The events of the past week with the election have further compounded things, but I'm at the point where I just don't care about that even. I don't care if the world burns.

Everything I do seems to be complete useless, stupid and just agonizingly boring. I usually really like my work. Learning Programming languages, solving Problems, and enjoying the small rush when something finally works like you intended. But now? Everything sucks. I know that it's just a down-phase, but this does not help me at all. And I fucking hate myself so much that I can't just be like "Yeah it's a bad day, but I still manage to get my shit done." Why can't I be "normal"?

I'm always the one trying to put stuff together and nothing ever ends up happening. It's clear I matter a lot less to everyone than they matter to me and that hurts. I really really wish that giving up on having people in my life would stop me from craving social interaction.

Mentioned feeling suicidal to the wrong friend and he freaked out and gave me the classically unhelpful/actively harmful pep talk and advice without ever trying to fucking understand and it makes me feel so fucking invisible. Like, people only care about me when I impact them by upsetting them at the thought of me harming myself. They don't actually care, they just want to make themselves feel better, so I get the "be better, I don't want to hear about you being suicidal anymore" talk so they can put my mental illness in the "done" pile and go back to not thinking about me. I do have a couple friends who will actually listen and empathize and understand, but there's only so much you can lay on someone before it drives them away.

I'm going to delete or abandon this account soon. Trying to be social on Lemmy kind of is worse than having no social interaction at all, the internet in general but more specifically this corner of it is just filled with arguments and negativity and I end up dreading seeing inbox notifications. So, if I stop posting, I'm probably still around, not that anyone's checking

Honestly I could wal. Djdbsk. Znz zkksn d kcjwnksndjd xnxijsksnd c j😨🥵🥺👊band x xks xm x xkxnd d. Djdjf

It's not feeling worth anything constantly trying to stay away from my thoughts while feeling so sad depressed I want to say all these things to someone and hope someone will care but my sadness is all mine to carry I know it I know feeling better is temporary it'll fade off the moment I remember who I am I don't want any expectations neither from myself nor from anything or anyone why isn't the insect digging tiniest holes in the ground feeling bad about itself why is it just moving around without suffering this kind of meaninglessness why am I feeling it so bad but I still chose to stay alive I know killing myself is never a choice just cause I feel this isn't good enough to give it all up I hope someday I just become like that insect unworried just waking up getting lost in some task until it's time to fall asleep with no miseries and die sometime uncertain.

we have created a signal support group to connect a supportive network of people struggling with cptsd, neurodivergence, bpd and other forms of trauma. please feel free to vent, trauma dump and be together during tough times 🩷

https://signal.group/#CjQKIDyYlgFaxeDUSqLmJBwWiVzGgbtBC0exF3kew0J4A-3LEhA9q2epnMPa-nL_gmAqa2Xo

i hope that in the next life I am not like this. I just wish I could go back and redo everything without being severely mentally ill. I spend every day in the dark lamenting and wishing I could just go back in time. I think about ending it so often. I just want a chance to redo and be normal so badly. the craziest part is that physically, everything in my life is fine. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. but my brain just focuses on the negatives so much. it makes me feel even worse, I just wish so bad I could redo my life without feeling like this.

The reduced amount of sun is probably not helping.

I'm so tired. Why bother struggling to find insurance that lets me continue with my therapist. Why bother finding insurance at all. Why bother look for a job. Why put so much effort into a life I'm so tired of living? I know things won't improve. That they can't improve, really. Sometimes it might feel like things are better, but circumstances haven't changed, it's just the drugs making it not feel like it matters. I've given up on all these things that other people take for granted, and yet it still hurts to think about how I'll never get there. I'm so tired of it, and I don't see any way it ever changes. I just don't want to continue on. Why do people have to care about me? If they didn't, then I could just leave and not hurt them. Why isn't acceptable for me to just say "actually, nah, life isn't for me, see you never" and fucking die?

I'm pretty sure suicide's inevitable. At some point, I'm just not going to care enough about the guilt and go through with it, it's more just a matter of when that'll be. Makes me sad my online friends won't know for sure, but they'll probably guess after a few weeks of being offline. At least I don't have to worry about leaving work on short notice.

Removed, I'm sorry

Change up your routine. Find new hobbies. Meet new people. Learn new things. 2-6 weeks later, I feel once again that this is a complete waste of energy. Nothing I've ever done in my life has ever amounted to anything. I always return to this point. Just one more cycle, right? Just one more, haha? Just keep trying, right? This is all totally going to get better, right?

I see how that question might sound funny, but googleing, trying to find out what i feel i found this exert about a broken spirit:

"To "break someone's spirit" is to destroy their self-esteem, to take away their joy in life, their belief and joy in who they are"

And this got me thinking, because i dont belive i have such a thing. not meaning to sound edgy i am generally curious what your experiences are. I started depression quite early in life, and just thought thats normal life untill many years later (my parents dont belive in mental health. i am almost 30 now btw). i wonder if i might have missed some personal development. Normally i struggle enough to only life day by day. if i plan, i never plan further ahead than a week. and i never cared to define myself as a person. i would struggle to write a short description about me, that isnt just a listing of facts like, where i live, what i do, ect.

I also am suffering unde extreme anxieties, and belive to have some trauma thats not yet processed, if thats important to my experience here.

How do you experience self? is that a concept that can give you like joy and faith?

ive been through a lot in life, but by most metrics ive made it out and have a relatively good life. but for some reason, its like this cloud always seems to follow me... and now it really feels like its engulfing me. i feel like im becoming so detached from reality. my friends don't care enough / dont wan't to listen when i need someone to talk to (and i can hardly blame them, who would want to hear the ramblings of some depressed person). i just feel so horrible all the time, thinking about how meaningless this existence can be, feeling like i shouldn't even bother going on, and i hate these thoughts so much. sorry for how unstructured this is or how unorganised my thoughts are, i just can't bear to hold it in any longer, i feel like im going to snap if i keep bottling it up.

I don't

We all have those moments where we think back on something we did and cringe at it. Over the past year though I've begun to do it almost every waking moment.

I began to say to myself in my head "fuuuuuck fuck fuck fuck" and "I want to die" and eventually I started to mutter it under my breath. Now I'm starting to just blurt it out without thinking at inappropriate moments. It's probably only a matter of time before that gets me in trouble. I know my wife has heard me before and now she doesn't ask what's wrong, she just looks at me.

It's gotten to the point too where it doesn't start with the memory of an action but while I'm still performing the action or in a conversation.

I don't really want to die, probably. But this shit is weird. Am I going crazy? I'm worried that soon I will be paralyzed and unable to act or interact at all. Maybe I'm already there, who knows.

When I can't find another and run out of savings in a few months, that's when Ill kill myself.

Honestly did a bit of a trial run last night, fastened a bag over my head and snuggled my stuffed animals on the couch to see what it would be like. It's definitely something I can go through with if/when it comes to it. Taking other steps to make life less unbearable first, hence the title. I don't really see my life ending any other way though tbh, just more of a question of when. If I'm lucky, it'll be when the climate change induced famine prices me out of being able to eat and I chose not to starve. Anyways, sorry for making you read this. Fuck.

Thoughts?

I've been looking for a job now for over a year and I just wish someone could honestly look me in the face and just tell me "No, I'd rather see you die".

I've filled out well over 2000 job applications now. I'm overqualified for anything immediate but never considered for anything in my field (SQA). This is the third career of mine thats been totally out sourced and I'm just so fucking tired of it all.

Finally had a promising lead but it was just another 0 feedback interview to tally up their interviewed candidates to make the minimum "effort" to shoe in someones friend. Nobody even read my resume and the interview was 10 minutes long. I hate that I know all of these tactics at this point and I especially hate being a pawn in that game.

I wish someone would honestly and truthfully just tell me they would rather see me die than help me find the means to support myself. Every "well keep you on file" is a goodbye.

I'm so fucking tired. Every opinion and suggestion is such bullshit: "do something else" without ever defining what else means, "work on your resume" while looking at your 28th revision, "Something will come" which never happens, or my favorite one "why don't you work on getting your degree or certification [with your non existent money]?"

Nobody I've worked with and none of my friends have referred me anywhere in this year+, just strangers on LinkedIn with kind ears ultimately bound to the same systems that want me to die.

The only thing keeping me here is cooking for my family and being there for my wife but when everyone goes to school and work I truly understand why Garfield hates Mondays.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety all of my life. I've had the feeling that things were going to end with crushing dissapoinment and tears. I have been able to get past that and stumble through life because there has always been some goal to reach toward. Finishing high school, college, moving out of parents, finding a significant other, getting a good job, etc.

There was always an underlying assumption that once x happens my real life will begin, and I will rise above my hang-ups. If I'm being honest that has been true sometimes, but in many important ways it hasn't happened. I am still full of anxiety, self-doubt, self-loathing, laziness, immaturity, shyness, an inability to focus or pay attention to details, and more. I can't keep up, time moves too fast.

I've made it far enough in life that I do have an ok job but with every year it becomes clear that I am not respected and my work and opinions are not valued. I have a partner who in many ways improved my life. But after 5 years I think she is holding me back as a person. She is an alcoholic and has many problems of her own. I spend more time worrying about her and making sure she doesn't get upset than I do focusing on improving myself.

Now I'm about to turn 40 and the realization that this is it is speeding at me like a train. This really is who I am. I'm probably never going to be able to change. I really am not a particularly good person, in every possible way. I am a dissapoinment and failure to myself and everyone who knows me more than a few minutes.

I'm not suicidal but I think about it every day. What will probably happen is the strain will get so bad that I'll either have a stroke or snap and leave my job and partner and become homeless or something. I can barely face my family and friends because I am so ashamed. I just don't know what will prevent some inevitable terrible end for me. Every day I struggle to complete tasks and interact with others under the crushing knowledge that I am a failure and a fuck up.

Anyways. Back to work.