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If I don't care what pronouns are used, can I still be an ally? (self.nostupidquestions)

submitted 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) by notanaltaccount to c/[email protected]

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Trigger warning: this could be upsetting

Shortly after graduating school, I hung out with someone I met once before and was raped and have some trauma in my background. It was aquaintance rape I guess? I barely knew him. There's other bad stuff that's happened that's also horrifying, some of it worse than that.

I am biologically male and effeminate, but don't want to have a female body. I don't really feel like anything and sort of don't care what people call me. I am slightly asexual just from trauma and don't really feel like I exist in a way. It wouldn't surprise me if I'm not around in another decade.

I support trans people, but feel like putting he/him next to my name sort of implies a more clear identity than I have or implies I care about how people label me. I don't. I sort of barely exist and don't like to imply otherwise. People can call me anything, I don't care. I don't see myself as female or a they or it. I don't see myself as anything.

I almost want to go like (he/him/*) but I am afraid this would be disrespectful.

I truthfully would like to be (he/him/🫥/💀) which would obviously be seen as demeaning. I feel like anything other than normal parantheticals opens the door to a distracting conversation that I don't want professionally and often don't want personally. And I feel like nothing after my name is dog-whistle for trans-people-are-invalid.

(I don't care about pronouns but support trans people) also seems disrespectful and sort of like "i want attention" and I really don't.

I wish I could support trans people without having to label myself or my body or even bring up these topics. Is there a way to do that? There probably isn't.

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[–] [email protected] 7 points 5 months ago (1 children)

You can be a trans ally regardless of how you identify gender-wise or how you feel about sharing your preferred pronouns to others.

There's more than one way to be trans. But the mainstream centres a certain trans experience/narrative above all others that includes the gender binary and presuming everyone has enough privilege, safety, and support that they can broadcast their pronouns widely without risk of discrimination, job loss, etc. A lot of trans people do not enjoy that level of freedom of expression - temporarily while in transition or migrating to safer place, or permanently. It's not uncommon to meet trans people who are critical of 'pronoun culture', which can refer to institutions doing the bare minimum to present a picture of inclusivity while failing to acknowledge current barriers.

I identify differently in different contexts, because disclosing my preferred pronouns is my right and I'm not going to do it to the detriment of my safety. Other people and institutions have to earn that trust first. So I generally don't broadcast pronouns, and they aren't that important to me. But when I see other people using them, I appreciate the roadmap for how they'd like me to interact with them.

I get a bit of a sense you might not yet have found an identity that really resonates with you. For me, feeling disconnected from my core sense of gender and feeling dissatisfied with life are highly associated.

[–] notanaltaccount 2 points 5 months ago

When you mention identity, I don't feel gender fluid. I am just very gay and disconnected from everything and I feel like defining my pronouns may imply a level of caring about labels that doesn't represent my general indifference.