Hi. I'm new here. I am a workaholic. When I started to notice my mental decline I was working in very important role at one of the largest companies in the world. All I could see was the end prize, financial freedom. A few years in I knew I was going through health issues because sleeping was rough, I always felt on edge. All I wanted to do was make sure my wife would be set up if I died.
One day I could not take it anymore. I went to a different company. Took less than a week and I had the big one. A complete breakdown. I didn't know what it was until a friend told me it may be panic attacks.
I got let go in about a year. I've been bouncing around jobs since. I get back up, I apply myself, I'm determined; or more like super productive due to stress.
Then I heard about a friend's spouse who died of cancer. They were younger than myself. It just breaks me with a lot of what-if questions. If this happened to me, I didn't enjoy life. I just worked. I got little progress to show for it except money in what feels like a doomed economy. I worked to make sure my wife can live an enjoyable life when I am gone. I don't have a clue how to have fun.
I am now stuck with a lot of what-if questions that don't have answers. I start my new job in about a week. It's a good company, pays well, allegedly they care a lot about their employees. I just wish life would slow down enough to process things; deal with the anxiety issues. Now that I can breathe a bit again and about to regain my footing I feel more stressed.
Tl;dr I don't know how not to have my life revolve around work.
Edit: feel free to offer advice. I'm kind of just in my own anxiety right now.
You definitely have to live some of your life for yourself, not just your wife or her future well-being.
I'm genuinely not sure how to do that. I'm not a very exciting and fun person. I enjoy things like watching the rain and gardening. I'm thinking of going out and getting a computer for gaming.
Just watch the rain. That's perfectly fine and valid, if it makes you happy. Gardening is great too. PC gaming is also fun but it might turn into an obsession. Better take it easy. Exercise is also very important. Cycling really helps me with my mental health. Really helps to collect your thoughts and just calm down. Just give it a try or find whatever else works for you.
I can't ride a bike, but I do enjoy hiking. The idle thoughts get to be a bit much when I'm going through the stressful times.
Strenuous exercise also releases happy brain hormones. (you just have to get through the "exercising" part) 😆
Can't ride as in physically unable it just never learned to do it? In the latter case, I'd give it a try.
Never learned, ca you self teach it?
Sure. Better to have someone to help to stay upright at first, though.
Living life for yourself isn't about living it in ways defined by others, it's about living it in a way where you can love yourself. You are who you are and that's okay. If you really wish to expand consider first what you can do during activities you already love and fill in gaps later. Wisdom says it's a poor idea to hastily chase half considered thoughts, so take your time.
You are allowed to like who you are and what you do, despite that little voice in your head and the prickly feeling that follows you around. :)
That was incredibly kind. I don't even know where to start with this stuff.
I'm not a therapist, but that sounds like it should be your biggest priority. Maybe it would help to realize your wife probably isn't going to be happier if you're dead - you can take care of yourself for her as a start. But you're as deserving of love and happiness as anyone, and you should probably figure out how to give yourself permission to watch the rain (or whatever).