Hello, this is my first post on this account, I doubt anybody will even see this but I guess I'll get right into it.
It all starts back in my junior year of high school, I remember I got a new lamp for my bedroom and it looked a lot like the one my grandmother had when I was younger. I was so in love with this feeling, that I now know is called nostalgia, that every weekend I would use the lamp instead of my main bedroom light to make it feel more like I was back at her house on the weekends. (I do it to this day)
For a while I started doing small things like this in addition to just the lamp, such as using old websites for the aesthetic or getting super into nostalgic music again. It's funny looking back now and realising it ramped up as my depression worsened, but I digress. After I graduated school, to keep things short, my life was just hell. A big mess, started community college but dropped out, couldn't get a job, ended up being kicked out by my dad over this and was homeless for a bit. This made my senior year of high school like a cutoff point for that nostalgia thing. I wanted for the longest time to either just die or go back in time. Eventually though, I managed to climb out of homelessness but not without ending up thousands of miles away with no friends or family nearby me. It's been years since then, but I can't help but think back and realise that ever since that day years ago where I finally made it back to a normal life, I've only made 2 new core memories really. One was going to a new state to see a dying family member after years to say my goodbyes, the other was going to the big city I had always dreamed of seeing in person when I was in high school since I actually live nearby now (alone, and ended up being disappointed with San Francisco in person).
Other than those 2 things, my life seems to just be a looping cycle of wishing I was back in those junior and senior year days. I don't own a car because I feel like it's the last "old-world" freedom I have left from those days so to speak. Avoiding the final step of growing up I guess. I have an attachment to the same anime characters who were essentially my only friends back then for a long time (I still spend a lot of time alone in my room too because I struggle to make friends). I still fight the urge to sleep so I can pull all nighters just to stay up to see the sunrise while gaming and feel something (I have a monster in the fridge to do it tonight). I take lots of time off of work this time of year just to feel like I have a summer vacation back. I still eat a diet of mostly instant noodles and other cheap shit because my grandmother was poor growing up and that's mostly what we had for snacks, it brings me comfort.
maybe this is kinda pathetic to say but I just feel like at my current age I am lightyears behind people mentally. I don't even feel like I'm an adult to be honest. I just want to keep barely working and playing games and staying up late forever, while at the same time wanting to go back in time and re-do the past to not end up this way ironically enough. I miss what old friends I did have terribly as well. I just long for the days where I was clueless about how the world works and was busy listening to Tyler the creator's new album while walking to school.
I doubt anyone can relate, but on the off chance anyone else is impaired by nostalgia or stuck in the past, I salute you. it sucks
I very much understand this feeling. There's plenty of things I do for the same safety of nostalgia reason. It's not altogether a bad coping mechanism, but like every coping mechanism, it has its limits, and you have found them.
I do have some good news for you though:
This may not be true at all. People have trouble recalling memories of feeling differently to however they're currently feeling, especially with depression. Good memories are still being created and are in there though, you just can't access them in long storage right now. Another person in the thread said therapy and the right medication, and that is how I've largely managed to get depression mostly under control. When I'm doing well, the good memories are much easier to relive. Memory is complicated like that.
I recommend starting here though. Even if it's just adding in a daily multivitamin at first instead of really being healthy and eating right. The cheap nostalgic food is not something you need to completely give up, but it needs to be a treat instead of your staple. Nutrition has a huge impact on depression, like, an annoying amount of impact. If you can get some better nutrition in you, and a little real sunlight, and even just a short walk, your body is much more likely to generate and circulate the good feeling hormones. It's hard at first, but it does get easier.
You've been through a lot. There's nothing pathetic about how you feel or your life. There is no such thing as "behind". New friends are everywhere, and many have been through similar hard times and depression. But it does sound a lot like you would benefit from a little more balance with the things you already know are good for you.
Good luck. The past is comfortable, but there are new things out there that will bring you comfort too, and they're worth looking for.
This was so comforting to read. I will walk to the shop today and get some vitamins to start off with. It was also a very cute analogy with the inaccessible storage of the new good memories. I really loved reading this, it brightened my mood so much, thank you :))
I'm so glad to hear that, I'm happy that I might have helped even just a little bit. You've got this. And even if it's not today, or it takes more than a few tries, you've still got this.
I hope you rediscover a whole bunch of wonderful memories along the way. If a lamp can bring you so much comfort, I'm sure there are many other things you'll find on your journey that will help resurface other happy memories too.