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Read the whole strip at: https://thetortoisewebcomic.net/comics/40
[Image description: Two-Dimensional Ball-Eater is standing on top of a larger-than-themself pile of clementines. They say to astonished-looking Spock "Look, my love, I got a bunch of clementines. They are ball-shaped. Me eat balls. Ergo, me eat all these clementines!" ]
Read the whole strip here: https://thetortoisewebcomic.net/comics/39
[Image description: Text box: "The Chamber of Tortoise Politicians, Hell:"
Agent 1028 is leading a group consisting of Catopus and Tortoise Newstortoise, and says "So, this is where all our politicians come after they die." Catopus says "My favorite bar is nearby. They serve the most authentic cocktail of boiling blood and piss" to which Newstortoise comments "Freak". ]
Read the whole strip at: https://thetortoisewebcomic.net/comics/38
[Image description: Blasphemous B. Bible is carrying a bottled soul on their horns and says to the zombie of Captain Yrjö-Koskinen "I bring gifts from Hell! The soul and the sewer demon you asked for. I left the demon outside as he smells like sewer". The zombie answers "Hurgl...", translated as "Diabolism may be the highest stage of capitalism, but our diabolism is different!" ]
I had a quite Star Trekky dream last night. In it, I wanted to give a signed print of The Tortoise Webcomic strip #1 to the actor Ethan Peck. He then recognized the comic as something I had been sending to him for review. He hesitated to comment, unsure how to say what he thought. When I asked him to put it like Spock would, he said "Scientifically speaking, this is the bullshittiest bullshit I have ever seen". I bursted out laughing, and explained that it is really funny that he hasn't seen any worse bullshit than my comic, and that it is funny to get such feedback from a celebrity. He was then hurrying to leave, but to be sure I could tell the story right, I asked him for his name (even though I did remember it, which is weird, because awake I wouldn't have), which made him be even angrier while he left. Then I went to tell the story to several TNG actors/characters. I was distracted by attacking klingons, whom I sedated with a vulcan neck pinch. However, the last one of them had too tall shoulders so I couldn't do it to him. Then I woke up.
Read the whole strip at: https://thetortoisewebcomic.net/comics/37
[Image description: Spock arrives to find professor Altort Einstoise flipped upside down. Spock asks "Professor, are you okay?" The professors says "I was moist with my own mustard..." Spock corrects them: "You mean 'hoist with my own petard'". "Is that how it goes?", the professors asks. ]
Read the whole strip at: https://thetortoisewebcomic.net/comics/36
[Image description: Text box: "The Tortoise President holds tightly onto the control over the nation. Or do they?"
Tortoise President is lying upside down behind a box labveled "Control over the nation", wearing an upside down hat for upside down situations. On the other side of the box, Blasphemous B. Bible arrives, saying "Tortoise President, I bring the greetings of Hell... What the hell has happened here?" The president answers "I was taking an official nap and then woke up like this. Please help!" ]
Read the whole strip here: https://thetortoisewebcomic.net/comics/35
[Image description: Catopus is talking with an angel; a pile of eyes with six wings and a halo. The angel says "Do not be afraid!" as a greeting, as it is the only thing it can say in Tortuguese. Catopus says (in cyrillic script with multiocular O's) "Hello! We would like to acquire one of your hairs". The angel answers, in similar manner, "You buy three barrels of snake oil, you also get one hair".]
Read the whole strip at: https://thetortoisewebcomic.net/comics/34
[Image description: A whole-panel text box: "As you know, the vast majority of tortoises is non-Christian. However, due to the long history of cultural imperialism, many of them still celebrate Christmas or some related tradition. Here's what some members of the TSS Anthropic Principle polycule have to say about the topic." ]
Read the whole strip at: https://thetortoisewebcomic.net/comics/33
[Image description: Spock is lying upside down. Captain Yrjö-Koskinen is floating in the air next to them. Spock says "Help me Captain, I am Spock. Err, I mean stuck!" The Captain says "I can't, I have no physical body." To this, Spock says "Use the force!" The Captain says "Nah, can't be bothered. I'll tell A Horse to help you."
Text box: "Of course, Spock could use their malleable limbs to help themself. However, that would be cheating." ]
Read the whole strip here: https://thetortoisewebcomic.net/comics/32
[Image description: Music: Ta-da-da-da-daa - The Tortoise News!
Tortoise Newstortoise is interviewing the Tortoise President and says "Good evening from the Tortoise News. The Tortoise President has reappeared, and agreed to an exclusive one-question interview. So, Mx. President, where were you?"
The President answers "I was... umm... on a very secret and urgent diplomatic mission to... ummm... Juan. Yes. But do not worry, citizens, the horse is still on the balcony. Also, now that I am back, I will put an end to all this revolutionary nonsense!", to which Newstortoise says "Thank you, Prez." ]
Read the whole strip at: https://thetortoisewebcomic.net/comics/31
[Image description: Comically cheerful music Dr. V. Eternal Veterinarian for angels and feline cephalopods Rectal examinations 40% off! ]
Read the whole strip at: https://thetortoisewebcomic.net/comics/30
[Image description:
The zombie of Captain Yrjö-Koskinen stands on top of The people's box (not to be touched by the people). In front of them, looking at them, stands Generic Zombie Tortoise, a green X-eyed tortoise with "Generic Zombie Tortoise" written on their shell. The zombie Captain says "Gurgh...", which is translated as "The building of state capit- err, socialism requires fresh braaaaaiiins. Go and recruit, Generic Zombie Tortoise!" Generic Zombie Tortoise answers "Grrrh gluhr hurgl ghurgl lruh ulrh guhlr ghlurl grrrlllh hurgggglh grrrruhl lurgh ugh gurglh grululu huh guh ruh luh glhur ghrl ghh...", translated as "Yes."
]
Read the whole strip at: https://thetortoisewebcomic.net/comics/29
[Image description: Catopus is pointing a pistol at a tied-up banana, who looks displeased. Behind Catopus, Agent 1028 says "Tell it to answer our questions or it will know what a banana split is!" Catopus says, in Sbananish, endonymously esbanañol, "Responde nuestras preguntas o vas a saber que es un banana split." ]
Read the whole strip at: https://thetortoisewebcomic.net/comics/28
[Image descrption: Text box: "In a secret meeting, ambassador Blasphemous B. Bible makes a proposal:"
Blasphemous B. Bible says to the Noodles "Before, you spied the tortoises for Hell. Would you like to get back to the job, and not just moodle, Noodles? Will you again be my poodles, Noodles?". Noodles answer "Last tiem we gots inprisomed by the govermnemt." ]
Read the whole strip at: https://thetortoisewebcomic.net/comics/27
[Image description: Captain Yrjö-Koskinen is floating in the air and pointing forwards, and says "Behold, professor! There's my zombie!" Below them, professor Altort Einstoise holds a zombie gurgle translator thingamajig, a device with many small buttons and a wiggly funnel-shaped receiver. They say "I'll translate its gurglings with my zombie gurgle translator thingamajig!" ]
Read the whole strip at: https://thetortoisewebcomic.net/comics/26
[Image description: Text box: "In the past (somewhere between the strips 4 and 6 but definitely not during strip 5) Tortoise President is inspecting their hat collection:"
Tortoise President, a tortoise with a tophat on their head and word "PREZ" written on their shell, is looking a three hats identical to the one on their head and smiling. The hat on their head is normal hat for normal situations. The three other hats shown are, from top to bottom, abnormal hat for abnormal situations, fancy hat for fancy situations, and hard hat for hard situations.
Text box: "(The hats are identical, but it's the thought that matters)" ]
Read the whole strip at: https://thetortoisewebcomic.net/comics/25
[Image description: Text box: "A familiar bar in Hell:"
King Satan the Lightbringer and Catopus are standing on the opposite sides of a table. On the table there are two glasses of orange liquid. King Satan is grabbing one of them. He says, in blackletter, "I do enjoy my daily kibbles, but sometimes my servants bring me tuna, and that is just the best!" Catopus answers "I also prefer sea meat over kibbles." ]
