Jokes

"What would you like?" says the bartender.

The seal replies, "anything but Canadian Club".

No perches necessary.

I stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

The Laminator.

Unfortunately the company folded.

Does that mean there is one person who enjoys it?

It's true, check your dictionary.

I reckon I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.

That's just shellfish.

It was so good, even the neighbours had a cigarette!

An investment banker is looking to hire a new secretary, and has narrowed down his options to three women. While most people in his position would want her to sit and look pretty, he wanted someone dependable. He wanted someone who could offer him good advice when he needed it, and might even reach a position like him in the future.

To this end, he offered each woman a test. He gave each one £10,000 and told them to invest it. After a month, they would return the money to him, and this would serve as an interview.

The first woman invested in hot new stocks, hoping one of them would pay off. Sadly, it proved to be too much of a risk. By the end of the month, she was only able to pay him back £2,000, having lost £8,000.

The second woman invested in stable businesses with gradual growth, getting a steady return per day. By the end of the month, she gave the banker £1000 more than she had been given to begin with.

The third woman invested and pulled her money like a machine, shorting companies and spreading rumours to boost her profits. While she had in excess of £17,000 by the end of the month, she only returned £10,000 to the banker, arguing that everything else was not part of the deal.

Once the test concluded, the banker instantly made up his mind, and hired the woman with the biggest chest.

During winter war soviet general hears someone shouting from wood - "One finnish soldier is better than ten soviet". Angry general sends ten man to deal with annoying Fin. After short period of shots and dying soviets screams, comes another shout - "One finnish soldier is better than hundred soviet". General sends hundred soldier and again none of them comes back. Then general hears third shout - "One finnish soldier is better than thousand soviets". Furious general sends thousand man to deal with him. This time one of his soldiers manage to survive and reports to general - "Sir, please don't send more of our troops, it's a trap, there are two of them!".

The manager asked "Do you mind waiting for a bit?" "Not at all" I replied.

"Good, can you please take these drinks to table 3"

A receding hare line.

He will be bailed out later.

I have loads of back issues.

Chicken sees a salad.

I said yes, “Homers fat, Marge has blue hair, Maggie is the brains and Barts a nightmare”

He was a little hoarse.

The coroner's report said he needed a second coat.

I’m not sure what to make of it.

I think it’s holding me back.

A can’t opener.

He was a danger to himself and udders.