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omfg

Sorry for the short reply, I think what you're pointing out is very well described but I'm not equipped to deal with it

I hate the painter with a passion. He was incredibly dumb and even he knew it. And it's not just "memory", it was precious youth time that is lost. I'll never be a highschooler again. I'm angry. I'd be happier if my past didn't exist

I was going to study abroad or settle somewhere else sooner or later, I just don't see anything relevant to this country anymore. I don't really feel attached to anywhere to be honest: family, friends, country, anything that comes to mind. And I love travel, and I feel sick when I stay in some place for too long. Studying abroad is the best option for me.

I'm just too late, and despite my tremendous effort (including but not limited to completely messing up my sleep schedule for work) since last year, I see people are much better in their position because they just started things earlier. Did the right things. Had a network of people that guided them well. And as I'm typing this here perhaps someone else started something I'd love to do.

I'll take your advice though, thanks for suggestions

One thing that helps is trying to avoid that kind of information, whenever possible. The less you know about something that bothers you, the less it ends up bothering you

I feel like I won't be able to improve unless I see people better than me

Also many with a similar or worse background than me though

I do the reverse. If there was something else I could do that day, it's lost. And goddamn so often I do mistakes and feel bad about it.

I'm not fully versed on the life of these people but as far as I know Tesla had financial difficulties through out and Turing got targeted by anti-sodomy laws at the time (not related to his achievements). I definitely envy almost all parts of their lives, I'm not sure why you'd say that.
Musk straight out got deranged these days and is definitely an exception when you consider all the wealthy people. Zuck, Bezos etc. all quiet people in general.
I think I much appreciate success and accomplishing stuff than comfort, like I'd sacrifice my lifestyle if that meant I can do stuff

I casually asked someone from a selective high school what their best students look like

Got my third diagnosis 😭
Ok comparison is bad but what in this thread even makes you think I might be depressed? I'm just harsh with my past and I believe I'm rightful to do so, and overwhelmed a bit about my life overall. Like, I'm still high-functioning, I'm motivated enough to carry out challenging stuff daily
I used to be depressed though, on a "high" level. I think I got over it by now

Hmm... Your ancestors probably didn't have access to dank memes though. But I get what you mean

I don't know. Maybe the adults around me are lazy but literally all can't move out of comfort zone, start something new.
Since you mentioned, yes I'm trying to study abroad (and it seems very likely). And I should be, because it has been my dream since 14 or something. But I only started preparing last year. Why? I just didn't know I could study abroad. How could you be so blind that you can't study abroad is a valid question that I can't answer. I was misguided by all adults around me - just claimed it's not possible until masters unless you get into a few super-selective high schools. But I could probably just open internet and ask the same question instead of taking the words of people that can't even speak English. And I got confidence loss over not getting into these super-selective high schools (and not being able to study abroad), this effect combined with an unfortunate personal event got me into serious mental problems for around two years. This really wasn't "I didn't achieve good stuff because I partied too much" case, I didn't enjoy my time doing unproductive stuff.
I was lucky enough I realized this is not the case later on by some means.
Looking at the opportunities of those students studying at international high schools in my country (which I was able to attend, but didn't because I was not aware of the whole study abroad thing) who started this process 3 years ago and not 1 year, I'd probably get into Harvard or something of that sort - if I had these opportunities (which I could definitely have).
I just really feel far away from my true potential. I have huge regrets in non-academic areas of my life as well. I just didn't make the best decisions for myself.

And I'm scared of getting older because I see adults around me at 30s or 40s don't move an inch from their comfort zone. "I want to do x" "This would be nice" but there are no steps towards whatever they're thinking of. They just seem stuck. I'm not sure getting married or having kids is what actually causes this effect though.
It seems so real I'll study in the country I want to settle in, because I might think "nah I can't spend more effort moving somewhere else, I don't need more trouble"