DrCatface

thanks, it didn't. 3.5hrs sleep im so fucking tired, but probably because starting dose they're going to talk to my psyche to see if they can up it.

evening friends, rehabs going well made lots of friends. about to crack day 6, the booze withdrawals are gone thank crikey but insomnia is still in full swing I've had about 15 hours sleep in the last week, been drinking shitloads of coffee cause I get sleep anxiety cause I know im going to get the nightmare. trying a new medication called zopiclone which is supposed to knock me tf out but nothing yet. and another new antidepressant I can't remember the name of. got a number to enquire about a prescription for thc oil for the nightmares so I can finally stop spending fortunes on weed which I planned to quit anyway

it's clear benzos don't work anymore, so I can't safely detox anymore. it's crystal clear I can never drink again.

im going full send into AA, the current chair stepped down after interrupting someone's share and ruined the meeting and her interest in ever going to meetings again, he apologized to everyone including the sharer who was so embarrassed she stormed out crying but she didn't accept his apology SO I've been studying the guide and preamble and am ready to have a crack at working on my public speaking and social skills. very excited. 3 days til the next meeting, wee bit nervy! I've only been to like 20 meetings but ive got a fair idea of what to do.

ive had the big book sitting on my mantelpiece for 6+ years and I always thought yeah I'll crack it open one of these days, well I haven't been able to put it down. some stuffs dated and disagreeable but y'know, 1939. anyway I just started writing down bits that really resonated with me but eventually I just started copying it on paper word for word to make it really stick. about 20 pages in. very cathartic to just write and concentrate.

only had like 6 cigarettes today down from my usual 30, it's just too far to walk I cbf hahaha.

my parents are coming up this wknd with my german shepard Maia and everyones so hyped to meet her

hope you all have/had a lovely day and I wanna share this quote that made me burst into tears

HOW DARK IT IS BEFORE THE DAWN!

oh of course yeah there's all kinds of classes about like emotion regulation, sleep hygiene, distress tolerance all that good shit

thanks very much, worst parts over. yeah but it's run by patients, staff don't get involved. im learning the preamble and thinking of hosting but I feel resentment towards steve which is a huge part of AA so im going to forgive him after he apologizes to everyone but theres going to need to be some changes. recovery is basically fucking difficult and im a firm believer in letting people share what they want cause recovery takes all shapes and sizes. fuck the pen, share about your day mood loved ones whatever, its just good to get stuff off your chest. there was a serious power imbalance, he was thinking of himself as the boss when he's supposed to be a humble servant of the people and there's going to be some changes.

courage to change the things I can.

cheers I really look forward to meetings but none til friday.

hello all happy monday, almost day 5. rollercoaster of a day. put in an official complaint about the nurse who doesn't like addicts, survivors, she's going to get cooked next shift, learned a ton about myself and my emotions in class then I saw my xbox buddy who I've only met 4 times in 15 years (I got so bent at his 21st he hasn't drank since) and dropped off supplies and chatted for a couple hours which was really uplifting, THEN

AA/NA meeting, stassies first meeting and she shared a lovely passage from a meditation book and talked about her best mate who's still in addiction. usually the host holds up a pen if a bit goes on too long but he interrupted her saying she needs to talk about her own recovery, stassie snapped and ran out of the meeting cause she was so embarrassed and she said I'm never going to another meeting again. so I wrote a letter to the host saying he broke the interruption rule and should have held up the pen, he ruined the meeting and needs to apologize to all 5 of us especially stassie and that im thinking of casting a vote for a new host cause I feel that was completely unacceptable. it's a support group ffs.

fk the pen, fk the subject matter there was 5 of us in the group and we have all the time in the world.

decrepit old bastard saw me later in the hallway and apologized profusely and if the group agrees he'll step down as host. I just said good and went to bed and wrote this.

been a wild ride gang, cant wait to see what drama happens tomorrow. 2 and a bit weeks to go.

courage to change the things I can.

it's been the most difficult detox, they're so stingy with the benzos and j didn't sleep for the first 3 days, had an altercation with a nurse who did my obs, asking me how distressed I am after the nightmare and I said 10, maximum. she said no you're about a 4 I've seen people at 10 and you're not it, I was like BITCH YOUVE NEVER SEEN ME. asked her name and told her she's not fit to push a broom and go rot in a nursing home and to never talk to me again, way more happened but I'm so distressed I won't go into it. so frustrating not being listened to and I'm putting in a complaint when the nurse manager gets here in 20mins. looking forward to the rehab side. sorry for being vulgar feel free to delete this

morning all. day 4, nightmares are starting to kick in, very unpleasant. had a great AA meeting last night, had a good sook got lots of hugs and support, realised what step 12 means and went straight to call my sponsor to thank him for saving my life. another meeting tonight looking forward to it

I changed the date to when I blew zeros on the breatho so I'm halfway thru day 3! starting to feel like the worst is over

im here for it, full commit it's very clear I can't drink again cause my body is used to benzos now, extremely diminishing returns. 1.5hrs til day 3!

met a bloke on 900mg of seroquel i was like bro how are you alive

tysm finally 8 hours and all it took was a sign on the door basically telling them to fk off lmao

thankyou !!! I feel amazing, finally got a solid 8hrs

2 days wow today was bad. the docs thought I was lying about the absurd amount I was drinking so they dropped my dose way too early. haven't slept more than 2hrs for 3 nights in a row cause they kept waking me up to check my blood presh which has always been high but once my eyes open, they don't close again. so basically 3 all nighters in a row compared to last detox where I slept for 3 days in a row. dont detox at st john of god richmond if u can avoid it but they do good trauma work.

best of luck everyone, not drinking with you today. it's so good to be back I missed u guys