this post was submitted on 26 Jun 2023
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Am I the Asshole?

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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/rumsforr91 on 2023-06-26 06:14:06+00:00.


My boyfriend and I (both in our 30s) have been together for almost 2 years, each make decent money (he makes almost twice my income), and plan to marry and have kids in a year.

Less than a year into dating I agreed to move into his house which he owned for several years at that point. Before officially moving in, all he requested of me was to pay 40% of the monthly mortgage and utilities payment and to take turns buying groceries. I gladly agreed and have consistently done that. I’ve also been paying for everyday necessities such as toilet paper, soap, papers towels, etc and we use my car 95% of the time because he’s pointed out that my car is more gas efficient (I always pay for gas too). I estimate these extra monthly costs to be around $400-500 and never complain.

Since the beginning of our relationship, he’s shared his home renovation plans starting with the bathrooms which he estimates to cost at least $10k. I like the idea because the improvements would be nice to have (floor-to-ceiling marble, glass shower doors, new windows to add natural night). There are currently no issues with the bathrooms but he insists we should get it done before we have kids and would like me to contribute.

I’ve always been upfront about my hesitation to contribute large amounts to a home I don’t own because we aren’t married yet and I’m not on the deed. I also don’t want to be like his ex who contributed to similar expenses and obviously that didn’t work out. I told him it would give me comfort in knowing I contribute large amounts to something I also own and also shared my insecurity about ending up like his ex which he thinks is ridiculous because nothings guaranteed anyway (we could marry and divorce).

He recently had other improvements made to the house which cost over $10k. I didn’t help pay or request these things but I have made previous comments about how these upgrades would be nice to have eventually.

Lately it seems my boyfriend has been building resentment towards me for not contributing more because he’s made comments that my monthly mortgage contribution doesn’t help a lot and that he feels like “he will always be alone in this”. I’ve told him I have no issues with contributing more once I’m on the deed.

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