Poetry

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A community to celebrate published and OC works of poetry.

Welcome to !poetry

Guidelines & Community Rules

In addition to the general rules of lemmy.world:

Published Poetry

1a: Poetry posts should include the title and the author, when the author is known.

O.C. Poetry

2a: Sharing original poetry is encouraged, but it must be preceded by the tag "[OC]."

2b: If an [OC] post is requesting feedback, it should also follow with the "[FB]" tag. It would look like the following example:
[OC] [FB] Nothing Gold Can Stay

Feedback

All feedback should be given in good faith.

3a: All [FB] requests should be met with comments constructive in nature. It is okay to dislike parts of a poem, but make sure to explain why you feel that way.

3b: Feedback does not need to be extraordinary in nature. Simply expressing how a work makes you feel is often enough.

3c: Use the honor system. When you receive good feedback, return it in kind to another author. Everyone appreciates knowing their work is being read and appreciated.

As this community develops, these guidelines may be adjusted.

Formatting Help
Work in progress

To create a line break, use two spaces at the end of a line.

To create empty space, type  . Use four of these at the beginning of a line to create a standard indent.

UPDATE:
Some methods of access do not format markdown correctly. I am currently testing various apps and web interfaces to see what does and does not retain formatting.

In the interim, it is encouraged to post text poetry as you normally would, but to include a link at the beginning or end of the post with access to a website or image that retains the formatting as intended.

Other Poetry Communities
Poetry lovers unite! In the style of the fediverse, multiple poetry communities have arisen, and will continue to rise. I will try to keep a list here of communities across instances that are worth checking out!

founded 1 year ago

MODERATORS

Scaldart

[OC][FB] Death's Game (self.poetry)

submitted 1 year ago by Imotali to c/poetry

1 comments fedilink hide all child comments

I am the weaver of souls, the master of fate
The doorman standing at Hell's awful gate
The visitor that comes when you are in a state
Of pestilential, existential, infinite distrait

But never fear for I am fair
A player bound by wretched rules
The game I play, I say, you can too if you dare
But if you lose, within here you will stay

So I'll arrange the board, don't be bored
For you're soon to meet your end
Cause in my game your ending's all but penned
So sit down and listen to my awful keening chord

You well did try to win this game
But I'm a practiced, well, old fool
None have beat me, you still tried all the same
So this fleece you may not have the precious golden wool

For I am the weaver of souls, the master of fate
The doorman standing at Hell's awful gate
The visitor that comes when you are in a state
To reap your soul and leave the rest in infinite distrait

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[–] Scaldart 2 points 1 year ago

There's definitely something to this! It almost reads like a bit of a nursery rhyme, and I find that incredibly endearing and fun. I do think it could benefit from a few tweaks, though.

None of the content itself feels off; it's just some of the syntax choices, in my opinion. The first stanza is really solid, which sets the stage for each following one. The first hiccup I find is line 7 (The game I play, I say, you can too if you dare), where I think it's just a bit too wordy. You jump from quick 8-syllable lines to a massive 12-syllable line that doesn't say as much as I'd expect from a change like that.

Following that, I like the internal rhyme of board and bored, but I'm not a fan of the comma there. I think switching to an em dash would have a better effect: "So I'll arrange the board — don't be bored — "

Lastly, I like the end stanza returning to the first and the change-up in the poem's last line, but something about it just doesn't work for me. I tried reading it aloud and something just feels off. I'm afraid I don't have any productive suggestions about it, but it could potentially use a bit of retooling.

I think you made good use of a varied rhyme scheme here, too. That is always pleasant to the ear.