this post was submitted on 03 Sep 2023
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My gf (f23) found an old video of me (m22) with an ex and wont talk to me now. (lemmy.dbzer0.com)
submitted 1 year ago by [email protected] to c/relationship_advice
105 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

I am my gfs first partner, she is my second. The girl I dated prior (for 6 months) was a vlogger and for like 3 months made a lotta relationship and prank videos wth me which I was fine with at the time. Now my current gf is my first ever real crush and Ive been into her for a decade.

So my gf stalked my ex somehow, idk how consodering Im not on social media myself (this account is the literal exception). She then asked a LOT of questions about my ex, I dodged just about every question. After that she just pulled away and was distant and would barely talk to me or meet up. She finally told me she found my ex's yt channel and watched every single thing on there.

Now I think Ive been VERY understanding and comforting to her, reassuring her literally every day since, being very loving and romantic to the point of cringing myself out. But she never really got over what she saw, idk if she rewatched that stuff or not but it was def smth thats always been in the back of her mind. She also knows that I broke up with my ex since I was moving countries and not bc the relationship was bad.

Now for the terrible part, smth i truly did not remember was that me and my ex had made a more personal video which was still saved somewhere on my laptop. I absolutely did not know of this and if I did I woulda gotten rid of it. Now my gf has access to my laptop (with my approval ofc) and she somehow stumbled upon it, I caught her curled up in my bed absolutely bawling her eyes out with the video playing on my desk. I have never felt this disgusting.

This is the first time my gf has denied my hug for comfort or just been so repulsed by me, she wont touch me while i explained everything, I deleted said video infront of her and begged her for a week. First she told me she needed to think things over but knowing her she wanted me chasing and I did just that, second week Ive given her space and theres been no change. We have had 2 dry 5 min convos in the last week.

How do I fix this or make it upto her???

Tl;dr: Gf found an old personal video involving an ex and wont talk to me anymore.

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[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

My dude, you fucked up any trust you could have built with her when you "dodged just about every question" she asked about your ex.

If I asked about an ex and my boyfriend was dodgy about answering, and then I found a sex tape of them on his laptop, i wouldn't trust you either.

You can talk all you want, but if your actions don't match your words, that talk is useless. It means nothing.

From the way you speak about this, I get the feeling you kind if enjoy the drama. It's good you deleted the video, but if this girl decides to stay with you, I'd make damn sure my actions matched up to my words.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago (3 children)

I dodged the questions before she had seen the yt videos, after that I was much more open woth information. I also no longer live in the country where my ex is, I moved back home. And I dont enjoy this drama, all it does is make me stressed throughout the day.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Why are you dodging questions at all? Like I see you answering that question elsewhere that it's not culturally done with you to talk about exs.... But that kind of a BS excuse. No one anywhere enjoys talking about past partners. Everywhere it's normal for people not to talk about relationships You should've put on your big boy pants and told her straight up whatever was on her mind.

Relationships take trust and if you are being evasive when she is looking for info that's a hell of a red flag to her. End of the day, it just sounds like you got something to hide. Perhaps then she would believe an honest mistake finding a more intimate video.

Although, frankly, the fact that you kept it all post break up is kinda gross. When a relationship ends, EVERYONE needs to delete EVERY adult piece of media they have. The fact that you didn't do this post break up is kinda gross and a red flag all by itself.

Friend, you planted a lot of landmines for your self. It's not a huge suprise they are blowing up.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

I know, that's the problem. You sent up red flags by dodging questions about you ex in the first place. It makes everything after that way more sus than it should have been.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

The answer is to explain all of this to her openly and honestly. If you do that and she truly can't accept the fact that you had an ex-girlfriend, that's a very different issue. Don't fall for the guilt and jealousy bullshit if that's what this is, at heart. Don't be evasive about it, but also don't let her weaponize your past as if you were wrong to have it.

[–] gibmiser 2 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

You won't like this but you need to tell her you understand she is hurting and why, but that you are concerned that it seems like she isn't improving. Tell her you want to break up so that she can get better. This is unhealthy for both of you. Tell her you are open to starting the relationship again when she is able to talk through it all with you. Offer to help her find a counselor or therapist if she is open to the idea.

Dont say all that to her. Write it all down in your words on paper or email. Give it to her but tell her you will be waiting in the next room while she reads it.

Her reaction will dictate the course. If she decides suddenly she wants to talk about everything then be careful. If she clams up or reacts in a hostile way, break off the conversation and follow through with the break up.

She needs to address her feelings. A little bit of sulking is ok, but Sulking for two weeks is not. It's great that you have been so accommodating of her emotional needs, but after so long now you are enabling it to continue by not reacting.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

But I really dont wanna break up and I dont wanna risk her saying ok lets break up. I just wanna fix this and I have told her that I understand how she feels and that I would be the same.

[–] gibmiser 2 points 1 year ago

Then you are also in need of some self reflection. A few days of your partner neglecting you because of their emotional needs is understandable. Two weeks is really pushing it.

Do you care about her? Do you Carre about yourself? It's time for some tough love. Tough love isn't tough because it's mean, it's tough because it is hard for you and the person you love. The longer this goes on the stronger this fear of other girls stealing her boyfriend or her fears of inadequacy will become. Even if she suddenly decides she is being silly and just forces herself out of the funk, it will just return next time you are around an attractive girl.

She needs to figure these emotions out and deal with them properly. You can't let your fear of losing her forever stop you from helping her get help. Also this is your second relationship, you need to make sure your self worth is not tied to being in a relationship with this girl. Do the right thing, address the issue head on.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

Tell her you feel like a jerk, you can only imagine how this whole thing has affected her emotionally, and that you think it would be a terrible way to walk away from an otherwise great relationship. Tell her whatever she decides, you'll let her lead the way, and mean it, because if she doesn't return your messages, or says no, they both mean "goodbye".

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Shes hurt, and for the moment she just needs a little time to sort things out.

Give her some space for a few days.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Its been 2 weeks of very little contact and I'm a bit worried that she isnt even ready to talk yet.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Thats a little long. I don't know you, her, or your relationship, but I would try talking to her. Try to figure out where to go, because it sounds like the relationship is damaged, but can still be repaired.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

Thanks, It's felt a bit hopeless the last couple of days. I'd do whatever it takes to fix this.

[–] wokehobbit 0 points 1 year ago (4 children)

I'm sorry dude, but you're lying about knowing that video is there. I was pretty naughty before my wife and as soon as we got together I scrubbed everything that would be remotely inappropriate in a relationship. Most would do the same. So, I can't help but think you're lying and kept it for your secret spank bank. Which is gross.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago
  1. I have no reason to lie here where i'm anonymous.
  2. My laptop is shite and I barely use it so it's not like it comes up.
  3. I always hated that video anyways. Terribly shot.
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