trans

Gosh, it took a while.

When I was a teen I basically only had girl friends and mostly just thought of myself as a feminine guy. Sure I had long hair and wore cute clothes and tried makeup, but that was just for fun!

I kept that up for a decade, made a few trans friends, and realized my gender identity was kinda weird? I didn't think I was trans, though, because I didn't really experience dysphoria in a way other girls had explained it to me. I thought I felt fine?

And then I got hit by a car on my bike. I almost died! And then the pandemic started! So I'm thinking about what would happen if I died and it occurred to me I'd be buried as a man - that really bothered me on a fundamental level. I think that was the first time I understood the dysphoria I had always felt.

I was still confused, though.

So, it's 2020 and I kept getting ma'amed when I wore a facemask and really liked it. Holy shit I liked it so much. I would get all smiley and any day it happened was guaranteed to be a good one. I started doing my hair more and wearing more makeup and training my voice and then- oh.

I started hormones that fall at 29

I never strongly identified with being a boy and in middle school people started coming out as trans so I realized that was a thing. I grew out my hair and nails but didn’t think I was trans. I eventually adopted a they pronoun and started worrying about becoming a masculine adult. I realized I like shorter shorts and conceptualized myself in a more fem way. I bought some makeup but I forget to wear it. At some point I started to think of my self primarily as trans-fem, but eventually realized I didn’t want to be a trans woman. Luckily my official label is still non-binary and I reminded myself that gender is a stupid social concept and there’s no reason to have to buy into a specific category for whatever reason. So, yeah I’m generally trans feminine non-binary and I don’t need to use a million hyper specific labels I found on Reddit.

Only a few months ago did I realize I was a cis man, I am 24. I have thought I was a trans woman or nonbinary for 13 years.

I realize now that I only felt that way because my bipolar disorder along with traumas that occured down the way were shackling me from achieving true self-actualization and I was searching to forge my own identity from the ground up rather than synthesizing my pre-existing, vestigial self with the person I know I am, the person I want to be.

I realized I was uncomfortable with manhood because men have hurt me really badly. Internalizing the "all men" narrative also kept me from identifying with the label, I wanted to rise above manhood, and thusly become worthy of women's and nonbinary people's attention.

I am a fringe case. There were other, more personal psychosexual forces lending my thoughts towards womanhood. I'd never want my experience to indicate at the dangers of transition or whatever. I am simply more aware of who I am now.

I am still devoted to being a good man, but it's a much different battle, one I've been pushing off for far too long.

id just generally been depressed most of my teens, eventually I had a breakdown when I was 18 and ordered hrt online like a few weeks after i was like 'ok yeah I'm trans' shit was stressful

im very glad I spent way too much time on 4chan growing up otherwise i would've waited years to get on hrt. e.g. r/transgenderuk was run by cis people at the time and actively hate mongered against diy hrt, a lot of the people on reddit were all like 'TRUST YOUR DOCTOR'. mind you this was all like 5 or 6 years ago

I was raised to be a "man" but I never really saw myself or anything I did to be particularly masculine nor feminine. I wasn't even aware that there were other options and thought I was genderfluid until I discovered the term non-binary and it made perfect sense to me.

I've never experienced any body dysphoria or anything like that, I've always been comfortable in my own skin but there was always a missing piece.

So for a story I think it really depends on how deep you're planning on delving into these characters personalities.

If they're side characters you can just do a surface read of trans culture to add flavor to their description, but you don't want to overfocus on it (if you're new to lgbt stuff I would suggest not making a side-character's queerness overly plot-relevant. It comes off as tacky and as cheap pinkwashed inclusivity).

For example: Erin sits next to Emily and goes to remove her bag. Somehow the conspicuously pink blue and white strap manages to catch her hair for no discernable reason. Emily rolls her eyes and starts to unravel the knots and tangles. The annoyed furrow in her brow deeply contrasts with the doting gentleness in her practiced hand movements.

It's a bit silly and rough, but above we establish that Erin and Emily have been in a relationship for a long time. References to their queerness are kept to a minimum and are just woven in to how they interact with eachother (the important part). And the facts we can glean from this can be used to provide context for how the rest of the scene will go, why the two of them react to things a certain way, and what decisions they might make. And we can do that without needing to make overt references to their queer status any more than we already have.

Now if you're trying to do queer main characters, I'd suggest being in the community for a while. There's no advice or story I can give you that will fully encapulate who we are or how we're to be portrayed because every context is different. The same depiction can be pandering or cruel or exceptionally clever depending on the subtle things you can glean just by being around us and internalizing the experience. You can make the world's best attack helicopter joke, better than anything the chuds could do if you can understand and empathize with us innately (I wouldn't recommend it, but there's a transwoman out there who's done it). Like, if you only glean details from second-hand stories, it will be obvious, because there likely won't be any subtlety, even if you're trying really hard.

A good queer MC needs to have their identity planned out from the beginning, it needs to shape how they perceive characters, situations, their own place in the world, and even facial expressions or small little happenstance details others might not notice. It will affect what they obsess over, how they focus, where they direct their energy, what they value. But you have to be able to say these things without being like "his transness transed his worldview" or "xe just couldn't see [thing] the same way after becoming nonbinary." Like, this is one of those situations where you actually have to follow the 'show, don't tell' rule very closely.

I never did. I feel like i cant decide if im a boy or a girl or a boy who just wants to wear lipstick. Im definatley comfortable with my body, but when it comes to social roles i hate anything about myself that is masculine. I kind of just wish i could be a girl but without boobs.

I just reinforce my shell with another layer everytime it starts to crack. When I die and they autopsy me, I'll look like a tree I'm sure.

My partner caught me. She was cool with it, which cracked the door open a bit. It still took a few years after that, but I got more comfortable being femme around her (still cis though).

Eventually it got to the point that I decided that I didn't care if I was trans or not. I wanted the meds. I made the call, and I've been on them for years now, and legally changed my name. Absolutely no regrets. Still not really sure if I'm trans, but god is life so much better without dysphoria.

edit: My point is that I didn't come to terms with it. Getting the meds was just a massive leap of faith. I cannot properly describe the level of fear and excitement that comes with taking your first dose. As someone who was approaching 40, I never dreamt that I would have gotten results as good as I have. I just wanted a few more curves and some boobs of my own. But I got a whole lot more than that.

I have always identified as the gender I was assigned at birth. In other words: I’m cisgender

It was a difficult process with a lot of unnecessary suffering. I will come back here in a week to tell some more of my tale.